Single. And In a Relationship

June 11, 2010     Posted in Relationships, Sex

OK, so clearly it’s impossible to be both single and in a relationship (unless you’re Tiger Woods or Jesse James, I guess…), but it’s true. And it’s the best and longest relationship I’ve ever had in my life.


By Noa

Two years ago, the night before I was to head back to school after a long summer at home, I hooked up with a boy. I had met him through a few of my home friends and after a few too many shots, we ended up at his place. We had a great time. Yes, I probably should have felt a little shady about sleeping with a random on the first night, but I felt safe and comfortable. We had mutual friends, he was a good guy and, well, he was sexy.

The next morning I drove back to my parents’ house, explained to them that I didn’t come home the night before because I didn’t want to drive after I had some drinks (they commended me), then headed back to school. I figured I’d never see or hear from the kid again and that was fine by me.

But that’s not how it turned out. Since that fateful night back in 2008, we’ve spent many a night together. Whenever I’m back in town to see the family, we’ll meet up. And whenever he comes to visit his friends at my school (or uses that as an excuse to see me), he spends a night at my place. We have fun when we’re together (and really awesome cuddle sessions – he’s a great big spoon) and then we go our separate ways and do our own thing.

There are no expectations. No guilt trips. No games. It’s the most honest and straightforward relationship I’ve ever been in, including my last boyfriend who I dated for over a year. We both know what we want and need, and we’re open about it. And since our lives are so separate (we live in different places, we only have 2 mutual friends), it works perfectly. Unlike a Friends With Benefits situation where the two people have a history and whose lives are intertwined, we are merely two people who enjoy one another’s company and there is no potential for a messy ending.

I know there are many of you out there who are reading this right now and turning up your noses at the screen. You’ll call me a slut, you’ll tell me that you could never understand how anyone could sleep with someone they were not dating, etc. And until I met this boy, I would have totally agreed with you. Before him, I had only slept with 2 people, both of which were my boyfriends. But honestly, for the first time in my life, I feel totally in control of my situation and totally comfortable. I feel sexy and empowered and free. And best of all, I know exactly where I stand. I’m not sitting around waiting for him to call or wondering what he’s doing. I don’t make plans around him or let him affect my mood.

I just live my life and he fits in where he fits in. (Hm, probably not the best choice of words there….)

It may not work for some, but it’s working for me. I’ve got the best of both worlds and I’ve never been happier.

27 Comments on "Single. And In a Relationship"

  1. B says:
    Fri, 11th Jun 201011:24 am 

    I totally had someone like that, and it was probably the best situation ever.

  2. Syi says:
    Fri, 11th Jun 20104:59 pm 

    I agree with you….sometimes things are better on your terms. I'm definatly not judging you…have fun and be safe. At least it sounds like feelings aren't really involved so no one seems to get hurt..

    Just food for thought

  3. thehatingexpert says:
    Sat, 12th Jun 201010:36 pm 

    http://thehatingexpert.wordpress.com/2010/05/12/t…

  4. AmyKate says:
    Sun, 13th Jun 20107:24 am 

    Too bad you don't have more self-respect, that guy is using you because he knows he can get sex whenever he wants.

  5. eesha says:
    Sun, 13th Jun 20107:52 am 

    @AmyKate. I'd disagree because it's just as easy for Noa to say that she could be using him too for the same reason. Fact is, she's not his booty call and that's what you're describing by saying she has no self-respect and that he's using her to get sex whenever he wants. In her case, it's a mutual thing–they both know where they stand with each other and have probably been open about what they want with each other too. And that's not using each other the way you say.

  6. Jennifer says:
    Sun, 13th Jun 20106:43 pm 

    Ugh, this is exactly what I needed in school this year, not the shitty fwb situation I got myself into nearly ruining an actual friendship in the process and making myself an emotional wreck for quite a while

  7. Johnnie says:
    Mon, 14th Jun 20107:23 am 

    Summary of article: I got Hoes in different area codes.

  8. Jax says:
    Mon, 14th Jun 20108:55 am 

    more power to you, but i don't think i could do this myself. i'm sure sooner or later someone will want more.

  9. bri says:
    Mon, 14th Jun 20107:04 pm 

    rofl @ johnnie

  10. Tricia says:
    Tue, 15th Jun 20109:19 am 

    As long as your being safe, that is what is important.

  11. cait says:
    Tue, 15th Jun 20104:02 pm 

    I'm glad you're happy. I am in the same situation with a boy I hooked up with 2 years ago. I seriously never imagined I would see him again after our first hookup but we did. Over time, we became really good friends and truly enjoyed each others company even when we're not hooking up. I've never been happier being in a relationship (if you consider this one). I think if we weren't 3000 miles apart, this could have been a real relationship. and no. i don't think they're "using" each other, not if they both understand what's involved. There's no deception here, everything is out in the open. She's probably in a better AND happier relationship than your average girl in a relationship. All the power to you.

  12. katie says:
    Tue, 15th Jun 20105:17 pm 

    I don't understand how this is not friends with benefits?

  13. Val says:
    Tue, 15th Jun 20108:16 pm 

    I honestly think this relationship you've formed is somewhat healthy. The way you've explained it in simple terms I'd say you are experiencing a mutual relationship that has brought you to gain control of yourself on an intimate level ,it is with someone else who understands what terms you both are agreed upon. I, personally am very sacred with my body and have never experienced anything freely with a stranger such as a one night stand. Though I have shared a similiar relationship that you now have. It continued for 4 years and I learned much of myself as an individual with that one person I allowed myself to become comfortable with. As long as your safe and continue to be in control of what your terms consist of. Experience the needs to find yourself by going outside of the usual comfort zone…how else are you ever going to grow and learn as person if you choose otherwise. I'd say have fun but remember to be safe and take care of yourself by all means of all aspects, Good luck to you.

  14. Cheat Confeesion says:
    Thu, 17th Jun 20106:37 am 

    "No strings attached" relationships are definitely a lot of fun. It lets you get close (but not too close) to somebody and explore your sexuality. Everybody needs to experience this. It really helps when it comes to finding out what you like as well as taking care of those urges that you have when you are young. One problem is that once in a while somebody might develop feelings that more likely than not the other person doesn't have…This is a great blog post that talks about exactly that. .http://cheatconfession.com/blog/2010/06/when-nsa-goes-mia/

    These kinds of relationships can definitely be a double edged sword though

  15. krystle says:
    Sat, 19th Jun 20109:38 am 

    power to you..i guess if that's what you want.

    but remember.. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

  16. mtler says:
    Sun, 20th Jun 201012:22 pm 

    i dont see how this is different than a no strings attached relationship. Ive had one with an older woman, was great fun and usually once a week after work she would come to my appartment for a few hours or the night, if i was busy i was busy and if she was busy she was busy no problem at all. I stopped though when i got into a relationship. I didnt understand if you were having relationships with other guys while u were screwing this guy, if you were then youre a deceitful whore, enough said.

  17. Vivian says:
    Mon, 21st Jun 20107:16 pm 

    Krystle- I think the point is that she's not trying to sell the cow.

  18. aish says:
    Wed, 7th Jul 201010:28 pm 

    i really need that right now

    im horny bt i dnt want a serious relationship

  19. Erica - Kent State U says:
    Thu, 8th Jul 201012:53 pm 

    In response to some other comments: I think this is very different from a friends with benefits situation. Like Vivian said…she's NOT trying to "sell the cow" or get anything else from this guy. She was never expecting it from the beginning and still doesn't expect it (or necessarily even want it) now. It seems like the two know this–& because they don't live in the same area, are able to make it work.

    Just like having a friend you don't have sex with…is having someone you have sex with that you don't really consider a friend. Whatever works!

  20. Cara says:
    Sat, 17th Jul 201010:13 am 

    There is always a potential for messy endings. Don't kid yourself.

  21. Jenny P. says:
    Sun, 18th Jul 201012:45 am 

    OMG You're so lucky! I wish so badly that I could find a guy like that. I'm a 25yo girl and I have physical needs. But I don't have the time and don't want the hassle of a relationship.

  22. Jenny P. says:
    Sun, 18th Jul 201012:52 am 

    Also I wanted to reply to Cara's warning that it could end badly: How if they are just casual friends who don't even live in the same town and don't have a long history of friendship??? This sounds like the ideal non-relationship to me. She just has to be sure to practice safe sex with him since she doesn't know if he's also with other women. And she should also be sure to be safe if she ever sleeps with another man that's not him. LUCKY GIRL FOR FINDING SUCH A CONVENIENT AND SATISFYING SITUATION!

  23. sarah says:
    Sun, 18th Jul 20108:58 am 

    Good for you, girl! LOL @ AmyKate trying to tell you that you have no self respect. Sex goes both ways, honey. What is this, 1850? She is a consenting adult having sex with yet another consenting adult. No respect lost, imo. Girls really need to stop calling other girls sluts because they get laid. It's fun, YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.

  24. Jen says:
    Mon, 19th Jul 20108:43 am 

    I have the same thing! me and this guy I have been with for the past years are really awesome friends and care about one another and we are more than fuck buddies we are together but not because during summer and winter break im in florida and he is in brooklyn and when we are at school we are about an hr apart we try and see each other once a week and talk to one another each week and there are no one in our lives as a relationship but we do sometimes hook up with other people one drunk college night. and we do see each other as long term but just dont know where it is because of the distance its hard. I say if its working for you the way it is for me keep going at and have funn! :D and to all the haters you just wish you could have an amazing guy who gives you the space!!!

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