Seventeen Says the Darndest Things: June/July Edition

This cover is going to give me a seizure.

I love reading magazines year-round, but nothing really says “summer” like laying out in the sun with a margarita and the newest issue of a teen mag. So when I opened up the newest issue of Seventeen, I knew I was in for a treat. Unfortunately, the Seventeen staff underestimated my need for juicy preteen advice and combined their June and July issues into one, but suffice it to say that this issue still contains a few gems only Seventeen would run in its pages.

By Norah

In “Beauty Road Trip,” they broke make-up trends down to a science. Who knew that Minnesota girls like bright nail polish, while girls in Virginia stick to lavender? I highly doubt that beauty trends are really that regionalized–just because Lindsey from Tennessee wears body mist doesn’t mean that most Tennessee girls do. Or that I’m out of place for sporting some outside of Tennessee. Strange, strange story, Seventeen.

Your June/July issue also includes a special “Hot Guy Mag” featuring brooding photos of our favorite male celebs with pseudo-revealing Q&A interviews. Take notes, ladies: Justin Bieber doesn’t want to get married right now, my lover Mark Salling wants you to take him fishing, and Liam Hemsworth is obsessed with Best Buy.

But as usual, Seventeen‘s best advice was in their Love Life section in a story called “Sneaky Ways to Tell You’re About to Get Dumped.” First of all, let me point out that none of the signs they mentioned required any sneakiness at all. Maybe I’m jaded, but it seems to me that if your guy is ignoring you, he’s probably not interested anymore. But on to their advice…AKA “signs your bf’s bored with you.”

Seventeen Says: He’s less into one-on-one time. At first, your guy couldn’t wait to get you alone at parties or to make out after a date. But a guy who wants to split might feel guilty about hooking up, because he knows it means more to you than it does to him.
Norah Says: Your guy doesn’t want to make out with you anymore? Um, pretty safe to say his attention’s drifted elsewhere. I fear for a generation of teens who can’t figure that one out on their own.

Seventeen Says: He drags his feet. If a guy isn’t excited about making plans for the future, it could be because he’s not sure he wants one.
Norah Says: Wow, harsh, Seventeen. Way to rub salt in that wound. But the hours I’ve spent watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager marathons this past week have reminded me that, yes, high school girls are effing nuts when it comes to planning too far ahead, so if he’s dragging his feet about things like MARRIAGE, you’re the problem, chica.

Seventeen Says: He doesn’t have time to talk. When you were his top priority, he wanted to hear about every detail of your day. Now he’s focused on other stuff — so he might glance at your text but not respond until a few hours later. Or when you call him when he’s out with the guys, he just lets it go to voice mail. He might not even realize he’s doing it–his priorities have just shifted.
Norah Says: Your guy’s deliberately ignoring your calls, yet you’re unsure how he feels? Kellianne, 21, from Philadelphia (aren’t you a little old to be writing in to Seventeen, Kellianne?) knows where it’s at — dump the a**hole yourself. The average Seventeen reader may be holding onto her man for dear life, but as a super-sexy College Candy reader, you’re much too good for that. Just sayin’.