Sexy Time: Reality Check

Realistic conversations that focus the truth about sex seem to be few and far between. We see crazy sex on TV, read about headboard-ruining sex in books (thanks, Breaking Dawn), and hear our friends share their sometimes-slightly-exaggerated stories. Hell, we even hear the absolute horror stories from guys like Tucker Max. But when do we ever hear what’s actually true? What’s normal, and what’s not?

By Ness

I tried my best to find the truth about sploodge last week and we’ve already covered movie myths about sex, so this week I’m going to take a crack at some general misconceptions about sex. The lies we’re all fed by our friends, by the media, and by our own unrealistic expectations; let’s forget all of that and take a straight-forward look at the not-so-romantic but very realistic parts of sex.

It doesn’t always just come naturally. Sometimes sex is really awkward, as much as we want to believe it’s this natural and organic experience. It can be messy, and tender intimate love-making isn’t always what happens. With contraception, sounds, positions, and a multitude of other things on our minds, sex becomes a little less romantic and a lot more mechanical. While the times will come when it’s like being swept away in a wave of passion, sometimes things don’t happen that easily. Even two people who are madly in love can have sex that doesn’t end the way both partners expect it to. As with anything in life, sex isn’t always going to be perfect – and that’s okay.

Sometimes you just don’t feel like it. If there’s one thing about sex I was lead to believe that I wish I wasn’t, it would be that men are ALWAYS in the mood. That myth leads to guys feeling a lot of pressure and girls feeling a lot of rejection when maybe he’s just too tired to go for the fifth time that day. Sometimes you won’t be able to get in the mood, sometimes he won’t be able to get in the mood, but both of those things are okay (sorry, I know I’m being hetero-normative). We can’t be sex machines all the time; sometimes we just need to sleep.

Sex is a reasonable deal-breaker. It tends to be believed that breaking up with someone because the sex is bad is just an awful thing to do. In reality, if you’re planning on being in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life, it’s a completely rational thing to want that one person you’ll be having sex with forever to be a good match for you – in bed and out. Of course, some problems can be worked through (like technique) but if the basics of sexual compatibility are off – you want it eight times a week and he only wants it twice, his penis is really big and you have a small vagina, you need a certain thing in bed to be happy and that thing is something your partner never be willing to do – no amount of love is going to fix it. Those things will always be a problem, and sometimes it’s better to just nip it in the bud before you’re married with three kids (now can you understand why I say you shouldn’t wait?).

Orgasms don’t always happen, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. Regardless of what we see in movies and porn, it doesn’t always end with a bang… sometimes it just ends. It’s generally believed that 50-75% of women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone, which means it’s not very common for both partners to finish at the same colossal moment every single time. Whether if it’s that you’re just not quite feeling it, it all happened too fast, or he’s already gotten off a couple times that day (by himself, I presume) – sex without orgasms is going to happen. From the male sexperts I listen to frequently, I get the impression that men have a hard time fathoming that sex can be good without the orgasm – but sometimes that’s the case, and sometimes it’s still completely awesome. Be grateful you’re having sex at all, don’t feel guilty, and make the lack of an orgasm up to your partner the next time. Relax, it happens.

Both partners need to learn what works. There’s really only so much raw materials that a person can bring into a relationship – the rest needs to be learned and sorted out over the course of a couples’ sex life. Sex isn’t always going to be awesome the first time with a new partner, but once you get some practice and find your way around each other’s bodies, most people will learn how to make the effort to do what their partner likes best.

Sometimes a roll in the sack will go off without a hitch, and sometimes we won’t be so lucky. What are some of the misconceptions you had about sex before you actually started having it?