[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, ‘can I date my ex’s BFF?’) over to firstname.lastname@example.org. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]
I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a first kiss. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I know I’m not unattractive, I’ve had lots of “things”, flirted a fair amount, and I know the whole texting/facebook/hanging out deal, but for some reason, I’ve never been able to seal the deal.
I’ve been hanging out with lots of guys as of late and I’m pretty sure that a few are interested in being more than friends. I’m excited, but this whole inexperience thing also makes me self concious.
What I want to know is, is it weird to let these guys know I’ve never had a boyfriend? I mean I know that they’re going to find out eventually, but when is a good time to mention this? The same goes for the whole never been kissed thing- should I mention these things before/after/or at all? I don’t want to freak anyone by telling them they were my “first kiss”- should I even mention it?
-Kiss and Tell
Dear Kiss and Tell,
You’re not alone. The inexperienced are everywhere. A lot of people don’t lose their virginities until their early 20’s and many people enter into college without ever having had a significant relationship. Unfortunately, the inexperienced have been assigned a certain stigma that I’m going to attempt to help you overcome.
Society has tried to engrain in our brains that being sexually inexperienced must mean that there’s something wrong with you. The sexually inexperienced are cast in pop culture as weirdos, freaks, geeks, or butt-ugly. This, in one man’s opinion, contributes to the idea that you have to get rid of your firsts as fast as possible (see American Pie for an example of how the virgin has been ostracized from a “happy, normal life”). That’s not exactly a positive message and certainly devalues any emotional intimacy and the savoring of those firsts we all experience. No, they might not change your lives (some might) and I’m not advocating celibacy before marriage – I am preaching to get rid of the shame that’s been heaved upon you for not getting a BJ by the time you’re 14.
Kiss and Tell, I don’t want you to be ashamed of the lack of notches on your belt. In terms of dealing with my gender on this one, some guys are turned off or believe being a first puts on a ton of emotional responsibility that they can’t handle. Others don’t care one way or the other. Then there are those rarer types that like a less weathered woman that they can help explore their sexuality and emotional depths with. What matters is how comfortable you feel about it and how comfortable you feel with the guy.
What do you want from these men? Do you just want a hook-up or something more serious? The discretion is yours. If you just want a fun time then don’t feel the need to tell them anything about your personal history. If you want something more, then reveal it when you feel comfortable enough to. It’s truly your call. Just try not to lie about it. When you lie about your past then that denotes you’re ashamed of it. On the other hand, don’t feel like you need to justify anything with your past either because that might also be a sign of shame. At the end of the day, up until a certain point of emotional investment in a guy, it’s none of his business anyway.
If a guy wants nothing to do with you because of your resume then you want nothing to do with him. On the other hand, if your resume is the biggest attraction to a guy, you don’t anything to do with him either. Your past shouldn’t be a make-it or break-it point. Although if you’d contracted any kind of STI’s or STD’s that’s something you’d HAVE to reveal when wanting to perform the horizontal mambo.
The past doesn’t dictate your present decision. What happened, happened. What’s happening is still malleable. Your past is only going to be a problem if you treat it like one. Don’t worry about never having kissed a guy before, just focus on whether or not you want to kiss the guy NOW.
Come what may,