Ask A Dude: Does He Have to Know I’ve Never Been Kissed?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (like, ‘can I date my ex’s BFF?’) over to The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Hey Dude,
I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend or had a first kiss. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I know I’m not unattractive, I’ve had lots of “things”, flirted a fair amount, and I know the whole texting/facebook/hanging out deal, but for some reason, I’ve never been able to seal the deal.

I’ve been hanging out with lots of guys as of late and I’m pretty sure that a few are interested in being more than friends. I’m excited, but this whole inexperience thing also makes me self concious.

What I want to know is, is it weird to let these guys know I’ve never had a boyfriend? I mean I know that they’re going to find out eventually, but when is a good time to mention this? The same goes for the whole never been kissed thing- should I mention these things before/after/or at all? I don’t want to freak anyone by telling them they were my “first kiss”- should I even mention it?

-Kiss and Tell

Dear Kiss and Tell,

You’re not alone. The inexperienced are everywhere. A lot of people don’t lose their virginities until their early 20’s and many people enter into college without ever having had a significant relationship. Unfortunately, the inexperienced have been assigned a certain stigma that I’m going to attempt to help you overcome.

Society has tried to engrain in our brains that being sexually inexperienced must mean that there’s something wrong with you. The sexually inexperienced are cast in pop culture as weirdos, freaks, geeks, or butt-ugly. This, in one man’s opinion, contributes to the idea that you have to get rid of your firsts as fast as possible (see American Pie for an example of how the virgin has been ostracized from a “happy, normal life”). That’s not exactly a positive message and certainly devalues any emotional intimacy and the savoring of those firsts we all experience. No, they might not change your lives (some might) and I’m not advocating celibacy before marriage – I am preaching to get rid of the shame that’s been heaved upon you for not getting a BJ by the time you’re 14.

Kiss and Tell, I don’t want you to be ashamed of the lack of notches on your belt. In terms of dealing with my gender on this one, some guys are turned off or believe being a first puts on a ton of emotional responsibility that they can’t handle. Others don’t care one way or the other. Then there are those rarer types that like a less weathered woman that they can help explore their sexuality and emotional depths with.  What matters is how comfortable you feel about it and how comfortable you feel with the guy.

What do you want from these men? Do you just want a hook-up or something more serious? The discretion is yours. If you just want a fun time then don’t feel the need to tell them anything about your personal history. If you want something more, then reveal it when you feel comfortable enough to. It’s truly your call. Just try not to lie about it. When you lie about your past then that denotes you’re ashamed of it. On the other hand, don’t feel like you need to justify anything with your past either because that might also be a sign of shame. At the end of the day, up until a certain point of emotional investment in a guy, it’s none of his business anyway.

If a guy wants nothing to do with you because of your resume then you want nothing to do with him. On the other hand, if your resume is the biggest attraction to a guy, you don’t anything to do with him either. Your past shouldn’t be a make-it or break-it point. Although if you’d contracted any kind of STI’s or STD’s that’s something you’d HAVE to reveal when wanting to perform the horizontal mambo.

The past doesn’t dictate your present decision. What happened, happened. What’s happening is still malleable. Your past is only going to be a problem if you treat it like one. Don’t worry about never having kissed a guy before, just focus on whether or not you want to kiss the guy NOW.

Come what may,
The Dude



    1. Beth says:

      Kiss and Tell-don't worry, same boat. 20 years old, never had a boyfriend (or really, anything close) or a kiss. And, like you, I'm reasonably attractive, dress pretty well, etc. I know there's nothing really wrong with me (although I have to remind myself of that sometimes-haha) but it just hasn't happened for me yet.

      Just wanted to let you there's actually quite a few of us out there (I know several amazing people our age in the same boat) and wanted to thank Dude for the good answer:)

    2. Jill says:

      You're not alone and it always makes me feel a little better when I read these to know that I'm not alone either. I'm 21, never been in any sort of relationship and never been kissed. I am a self proclaimed geek, but I dress well and look average. I hate when people try to launch this expectation on us that we're supposed to have been with a guy by this age, but come on! Age of feminine independence! And yes it does get depressing sometimes, but I just remind myself that I'd rather be with one really awesome guy in the future than have a couple of jerks and foolish regrets in my past. Hope it all works out and here's to the future!:)

    3. Name (required says:

      story of my life. glad im not the only one!! How do you guys cope with all this when almost every of your friends are coupled and youre still the eternal single one?? Its so annoying AND dissapointing…i mean i dont look ugly, im average looking ,im nice, funny and smart. how come i havent find someone already? Not that im desperate, just askin loll I heard that if we actually stop looking, thats when your prince charming is coming …

    4. sarah says:

      I am in the same boat too, I have been kissed but it happen two months ago and that is it, we made out and that was it. and I don’t want to sound full of myself but I think I am pretty and overall a sweet person.
      I always wish I had a relationship, but guess what, when it finally does come for us, we will be STRONG and have something to offer in the relationship.
      A friend always tells me ‘just wait, it will come out of the blue’ it sounds like something like that is happening to you, so best of luck!

    5. Silvia says:

      Hey girls! I am 19, and it´s the same story, I was just reading the last comment, and yes, everyone says once you stop looking, you will find it. But I guess sometimes it's a little difficult to stop looking when you are in this situation, because you want to admit it or not you are waiting for it, not necessaraly because you need it, but because you believe it should have already happened!

    6. MayMDbe says:

      Dude – great answer.

      I am in same boat and to be 21 next month.

      its awful to be the only one that is "unpaired" and I sometimes feel like it will never happen, but I hope it will. And when it does it will be the right time.

    7. Starr says:

      Thank you sooooo much for publishing this. I'm in the same boat. Will be 22 in a few months & have never been kissed, never been on a date, never had a boyfriend. I know I'm not ugly and am a nice person. My question is: how do you address Birthdays? I mean every year that I get older & haven't had a first kiss the more of a loser I feel like.

    8. Sarah K says:

      Really great answer Dude.:)

      I'm with all of you on this one. EXACT same situation. I had my first kiss six months ago and i turned 20 the other day. the kiss was a bit of a drunken moment and nothing has happened since then. i disclosed to a younger friend (she's 18), that i only really go to know recently, that i had never had a boyfriend of any sort and she was shocked. she couldn't believe that "a nice, bubbly person" like me had never had boys falling at my feet.

      i admit im a pretty quiet person and never had a good experience in school, college has brought me out of my shell someway but i feel ive a long way to go.

      my auntie recently told me that you never know who or what is around the corner and if im honest im holding on pretty tightly to that littel piece of optimism.

    9. Alison says:

      I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend. I have hardly had any "things" really. I'm not a virgin because I lost it on a one night stand and all of my sexual encounters thus far, not that there have been many have been one night stands. I really don't even enjoy hooking up with random guys. Every single time I have a one night stand, it's been because I feel the pressure to be experienced. Sometimes the guy will try to call me afterward but after I hook up, I want nothing to do with him.

      Nevertheless, I am sexually inexperienced because I only had sex once and I have no idea what I'm doing. For the most part, I just wanted to lose my title as a "virgin" without having to lie about it. I don't necessarily regret it, but I will admit that my reason for losing my virginity was because I didn't want the title anymore. Out of all my friends, I was the only virgin and I got made fun of. I never even told the guy I was a virgin because I thought it was irrelevant.

    10. Beth says:

      One more thing-I LOVE that us single and inexperienced girls are getting some representation on this site-seeing as how we never get any representation anywhere. This article and the comments really have made me feel better about myself and my lack of experience:)

    11. […] – Our resident dude explained why your sexual history is no one’s business but your own. […]

    12. XY says:

      This whole article and the comments are just totally :3

      guy here, and i've been told i'm good-looking or hot, and that i'm funny and all that, but i wasn't much of a looker in high school

      now i'm turnin 21 in a month and i've never even been so far as to kiss a girl, but i dont feel much one way or the other about this…probably cause i'm not into random encounters (like i bet a lot inexperienced people are) sine there's lotsa pressure and stuff

      If you're feelin bad about not having even kissed someone or had a boyfriend, don't put so much importance into being in a relationship. Once you don't feel the need to be with someone, everything's cool.

    13. anonymous says:

      I had my first real kiss last year when I was 20 and you have nothing to be nervous about. I was really nervous at first but then I just went for it and it came totally naturally. Since then, I’ve kissed A LOT! You don’t have to tell the guy anything because he will never tell. I’ve kissed bad kissers and good kissers—if it doesn’t go well it can be THEIR fault and not yours! So don’t worry and have fun!

    14. Hannah says:

      Don't worry kiddo, you are definitely not alone. I am 19 and only recently have I gotten my first boyfriend who is now my first everything.

      I actually spilled the beans to him the first time we were making out(which was also my first real kiss) because of the ambiguity of whether or not it was just a hook up. I ended up saying "Hey…I've never done this kinda thing, so I just want to take it slow." When he asked what I had meant, and I clarified even kissing, he just smiled and nodded.

      It comes pretty naturally, and really unless you lick him like a dog, or bite off his lip you'll be fine. And unless they're an extra jerk, they won't be weirded out or say something negative. If anything, they might be indignantly mad that no guy saw how pretty you were before hand.

    15. AGirlCanDream... says:

      okay, confession time I suppose. So, I will be 24 next year, and am still a virgin. I recieved my first kiss in adulthood at 20 and another one at 21, but I wasn't in to either of the guys, so they went for it and were soarely disappointed. Otehrwise, the first time I actually kissed someone back was at 22, and I wasn't enamored with him or anything, but it was for me b/c it was on my terms. I suppose what am trying to say is, that at our age, though I am really getting up there, we tend to be so consumed by these things when there is so much more to life. So my advice is while you're waiting, just enjoy life and concentrate on making yourself a well rounded person. And that way when you take the dive, either into losing virginity or a simple kiss, it's on your terms, and you are comfortable with yourself and your body in everyway. I suppose, the longer you wait, and we all wait for different reasons, the more discreet you become, the better you are able to choose. Personally I would love to meet that person who actually means something to me, and who I mean something to as well to take those first. And "the Guy" is right, why all the stigma just b/c one is super picky. And trust me, I've had ample opportunity, and am highly attractive, but I just want to be sure. Since I've waited all this time, what's waiting just a bit more, to establish something firm, and meaningful and possibly something that will continue to blossom down the road. So feel no pressure, and wait just a little while and learn to love on your own terms, so you're always comfortable you know…

    16. AGirlCanDream... says:

      correction, line 4: it was good for me, b/c it was on my terms,lol…:)

    17. […] Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Does have have to know I've never been kissed?) over to The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any […]

    18. Ollie says:

      I'm 18 and I'm in the same boat. Never dated, never been kissed. But I have hugged a guy. And like y'all, I'm normal too. A dork, but I dress normal and I'm not a monster. lol!I've always felt weird about it, and my "friend" makes fun of me dearly about it. Her answer to everything is "you need to get laid". I'm ready to kiss, but I'm still no way ready for the full monty! lol I'll have that kiss one day. Thanks for the answer dude! I'm glad I found this article and these comments. It was kinda bumming me out lately, but I feel loads better now.:)

    19. Katie says:

      I'm just like Ollie but a year older. I met a few guys in college, but we never really hit it off. I'm also very shy and quiet so I don't really get noticed. There was one guy that I felt I could talk to really easily and he was super nice and paid attention to me, but he also had a girlfriend and so nothing happened between us. I's pretty dorky too, but I'm really trying to change. I'm just glad to know there are other people out there like me.

    20. Naema says:

      I think we should make our own club, like a facebook page loll

    21. rach says:

      hey everyone! SAME HERE. I am 17 and

      going into college…in 9 DAYS!!!!!!!!!(turning 18 later in the fall)

      So excited, but yes, i also have never had a first kiss,date,boyfriend,dance,hookup, ANYTHING. I try to not let it bother me but I am deeply nervous. I'm going into college-something i have been waiting for, forever. I hated high school, the whole social life killed me. I believe i am good looking, maybe not as attractive as other girls my age, but I sincerely believe i am a good hearted person with a great personality. I know thats usually not the first thing guys look for, and over the next 9 days, I want to improve my look. I'm not necessarily doing it for the boys, but 80% for me. I know a guy a year above me already going to my school from summer camp, but I'm nervous about if my "first" of the things i listed would happen in freshman year. I want to be ready, and i have been close before, but I'm scared for when it does happen. I know nothing will happen unless i don't let it, but I'm a leader and if i try and make the first move, i'm nervous if the boy gets turned off and doesn't like me the same way back. I'm just nervous and scared, but excited at the same time. I hope something does happen, and mutual. SO GLAD i am not the only one in the boat. It'll happen to all of us!

      We are all in the same boat, and there are plenty of fishes for us all to catch!:)

    22. laurie says:

      Im so glad i read this, it definetely made me feel better. Im 19 yrs old and im exactly in the same boat. never been kissed, dated or anything. I have finished my first year of college. I met some guys but really didnt get to talk as much as i would have liked.

    23. lissylove says:

      good to know that im not alone. i just had my first kiss a few months ago but it was with some random guy. I still havent gone out on a date but I know it will happen one day. when i was in high school all the guys that liked me just wanted me to come over there house which I never did. Good luck to everyone and im sure we will all get our "first" whatevers when the time is right

    24. Jackie says:

      I'm so happy I found this article. It's the same for me, I'm 19 never been kissed had a boyfriend or even on a date and yeah i'm a virgin too. I know that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm reasonably attractive and have had plenty of opportunities but it wasnt right. So it'll happen when it happens yeah? Good luck guys and have fun doing your first when you do them. I am so glad to know that there are more of us out there

    25. Mel says:

      I had my first kiss soon before turning 19. My boyfriend knew about this (we became firends before dating, so it sort of came up and I told him), and he said he didn't believe me at first. Later on he told me he was glad he was my first everything because he wouldn't have liked it for me to have my first kiss with some moron that didn't care about me.

      On a side note, I'm not ugly, fat or dumb or any other stereotypical turn-off. I just wanted to have my first kiss with someone I actually liked, not with some idiot at a disco, like most of my friends did.


    26. R says:

      I just have to thank all of you for this and articles like this. I'm turning 20 in November but other wise in the same category. Although i dont personally know any of you, just reading that I'm not alone helps me feel less "loser like" and not so alone.

    27. Jessica Abler says:

      Yes, 23 and in the same spot (just a lot older than most of you. haha). I hate that I feel ashamed about never having been kissed. Now thinking about what will be my first terrifies me because I'm afraid I'll be horrible and the guy will be like, "WHAT are you doing?". It would be amazing if he didn't notice.:) Don't worry, I'm not losing sleep over this but when I think about it, I get concerned. But yes, thanks to everyone for making me realize I'm really not the only one!

    28. Tash says:

      I was 19 when i got my first kiss (which turned into: aka first makeout sesh lol), and I spilled the beans to my guy only cause he said,"Wow, you're a really good kisser.", which led me to say,"Umm…can I be honest with you? This is actually my first time." He said that he was really surprised cause it didn't seem like it, which definitely boosted my ego hehe😛

    29. NIKKI says:

      Hmmm wel wer do i start! Okay im absolutly blown away by dis! I thort i was da only one. Im soon 20 like your’ll never been kissed, never had a boyfriend. Ive neva been to a club and my college is next to one. What really frustrates me is when guys ask me out over mxit! I wont date a guy over mxit. I actually want a real relationship. Im willing to wait for my JACK DAWSON! lol. Sum guys think that just because im a nurse im supposed to be drop dead gorgous im not im pretty average. Anyway i can relate to everyone of the ads! Just want to say thanks n to dude u rock man!

    30. jubilee says:

      I think everyone who has never been kissed should just all get together and we can just all kiss each other and it won’t be awkward cause none of us will know what to do(:

    31. TATTIANNA says:


    32. So-Confused says:

      Okay so here goes my story. I'm still 18 soon to be 19 and I just recently began dating. I really like this guy and I know he likes me, so on our second date I decided to verbalize my feelings in a subtle way and the feelings seemed mutual. after having hung out that night, he walked me to the car, and as my friends sat in the car I gave him a hug and went for the door. He tried to kiss me and I was just completely caught off guard and he ended up kissing me on the cheek. I thought it was sweet but apparently he felt like he'd embarrassed himself as he expressed through a text later that night. I replied with a fairly long mssg and mentioned he'd be my first and I didnt really want it to happen that way in front of an audience lol. I haven't received a txt back and its been two days. I'm not sure if I should contact him. All my friends are saying not to but I don't feel like what I said is the reason he's not responding, then again I might be in denial. I dont want to seem clingy but at the same time, I'd like an actual response. He said he appreciated open honesty but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have rushed into telling him. I just hope its all miscommunication, but seriously what should I do?

    33. Svet says:

      I had my first kiss when I was about 15 with my bf at the time. After him I had another boyfriend for a short amount of time when I was about 16. Now Im 20 and I havent kissed anyone since then! I feel a lot of pressure in college to "hook-up" with guys and get drunk and dance with guys at parties, but the thing is, thats just not me! I want to be in a real relationship with someone genuine. My point is, our society makes it very difficult for our generation to feel comfortable with our sexuality. I cant tell you how many strange looks and "dont worry"'s I get when I tell people I havent been with anyone in four years. Sometimes my friends pitty me and try to "help" me because they cant understand how I can be happy this way. But to tell you the truth, I dont see it as a big deal at all. Theres nothing wrong with us. I wish more people would not feel as pressured by peers to partake in sexual activities just in order to fit in. When the time is right you will find someone who absolutely loves you for who you are and wont care about your late-blooming. I actually find it much more respectful and mature of us, it shows a certain strength:) Good luck to everyone an thanks for the support.

      1. Teenage Spinster says:

        Thankyou so much for this, I am nineteen and have never had my first kiss, or even dated seriously, and society puts SO much pressure on young people now a days, making sex seem like nbd but I have always thought it was. It's very reasuring to see other people feel the same way I do, I won't be in such a rush to get rid of my v-card. Thanks!

    34. Toff says:

      My Aunt Robin was only a month older than I was. Although we were kinda like sisters, we were resiad very differently. Her parents were much older and stricter than mine, and they lived way out in the country. I grew up in a college town. She grew up in a tiny town.So when I went up for her 14th birthday party, I expected her usually sweet country church friends and homemade cake, maybe a game of sorts, a fun time but nothing spectacular. I was there early, and was pleasantly surprised when the guests began to show up. Boys! Gran-Gran let her invite Boys (flutter flutter!) I was the kid they didn’t know. I could hear them thinking, wondering who this girl was. Suddenly I was not the wallflower of Oak Grove but the stranger in a country town. I kinda felt like a star!It was dark in the spare room where the party was. Robin’s cousin-by marriage tried to sit on the lava lamp and it broke. Music, laughter….. and Scott. Oh, Scott. He looked exactly like cupid. The shiniest curliest blonde locks and bluest blue eyes anybody ever had. And he was interested in me! We talked, laughed, walked, and then found ourselves sitting together on the bean bag chair. Is he…going to…yes! To describe it literally would be a disservice to the kiss. I felt like a baby blue cloud was lifting us up and spinning us around all by ourselves… floating, spinning, whirling… I don’t think I came back down for a week!

    35. Sarah says:

      Love love love this. I've recently turned 20 and I think I am finally going to get my first kiss tomorrow… but its never bothered me that I havent had it. I think since Ive always had good people in my life who constantly reminded me how beautiful and wonderful I am, Ive never been ashamed. Anytime I disclose it to anyone its always funny. I get the "WHAT THE HELL HOW DID YOU GO THIS LONG YOU ARE TOO PRETTY NOT TO HAVE KISSED ANYONE", the people who get really weirded out, the people who immediately ask me how religious I am, people who act like I'm Jesus reborn…. But its just about you feeling comfortable in your skin. For me its always been about principle… I just wanted to wait for someone that I really wanted to kiss. People have tried to kiss me but since I didnt feel it, i didnt do it. I finally like someone enough to take that plunge and he has no idea I havent kissed anyone so hope it goes well :)) People ask me how I feel about it and I say I have absolutely no opinion. Its just a fact about me… I have blonde hair, Im 20 years old, and Ive never been kissed. I always say "its not a good or bad thing, its just a thing! and someday it will change!" FEEL BEAUTIFUL no matter what your situation is and dont be ashamed of your sexuality no matter what side of the spectrum you are on.

      1. Ann Onymous says:

        Sarah, I feel like we're twin sisters separated at birth!!! I too am 20, and will hopefully get this first kiss tomorrow… I have to say that eventhough I've never been ashamed or anything by my lack of experience, I DID get a bit nervous lately (that's how I ended up on this article ^^) because this time I really like the guy and hope it's going to be fine… But then again I know I should not stress about it and just live the moment : what's supposed to happen will happen! I hope it went well for you, I'm just meeting you there on the "love yourself" message and don't be ashamed to be who you are!!! We're great girls, just picking up who we really want to kiss:) (sorry for my bad english, if I have made any mistkaes, !'m actually french !)

    36. danielle says:

      I am 19 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. I had a chance to have my first kiss but I backed out because I didn’t feel any spark between us. Although I kissed him on his cheek (which doesn’t count) and he kissed me on my neck :$ I was nervous lol.

      I’ve never been the type of girl to be out there and talk to boys because of rejection in the past😦 but I enjoy trying to meet new people and that.

      I am still a virgin and I don’t mind but I know exactly how it feels, you feel as if your the only one who’s never had a boyfriend and that your ashamed of even telling people. I know it hurts me when I think about it because I don’t really know any guys to actually be close to being in a relationship. I cry sometimes but then I reassure myself that what’s meant to be will be and that everything happens for a reason. But our time will come:)

    37. girl says:

      I'm so grateful for this posting!

      Heres the deal: Never had a boyfriend or much of anything.I'm 18, going on 19 in a few months & got my 1st kiss a few months back. It wasnt anything special but just a game of dare & i ended up kissing & making out with my guy friend a few times. i'm not gorgeous but i've been told that i'm pretty, alot. The thing is that i ws hooked on this guy friend for most of high school. It was on & off for years! & by on, i dont mean like kissing or even dates! But i always hoped it would happen. We "talked" for a bit but ended it shortly. The thng is that he didnt want to be with me because i was inexperienced. i have never felt more self-concious or low n my life. Girls, never ever ever let a guy make you feel that way over being inexperienced! Believe me, they are not worth it, & like some of the girls that have written on here, we will find a true gy who isnt bothered by it!

    38. B says:

      Ok here goes….im 25 an still a virgin! I feel disgusting and like a loser sometimes! Most of my friends r married/engaged now. I have kissed guys, first time was when i was about 10 & i had my first kinda bf!! The rest were all drunken kisses, so sometimes didn’t even know the guys name. I nearly had sex once, but 1: my friend was in bed in the same room & 2: i chickened out, i told the guy the truth! By then it was all too late & i just got out of there! Ha ha! I kinda like this lad, a friend of a friend, don’t if he likes me though. I am not always looking out for a guy & i know i’ll find someone someday! Hope its soon though! I do have a guy friend thats 23 thats also a virgin so this makes it a little easier sometimes. Bx

    39. Amy says:

      This really helped me out. I'm 19 and I have never been kissed or had a boyfriend. Recently I had been talking to this guy and it seemed like he really liked me but then I told him and he totally friendzoned me, told me he was scared of getting hurt and what not. He eventually stopped talking to me all together. Then I found out he got a girlfriend right afterwards. I'm extremely shy but this has never bothered me until now. I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me, but after reading this and knowing that I am not alone. I feel much better.
      Thanks Dudes!

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