The Morning After: (Really) Public Displays of Affection

Intro to Cooking: Blueberry TiramisuIntro to Cooking: Blueberry Tiramisu
Move Over Mom: Living With His ParentsMove Over Mom: Living With His Parents

[Everyone’s got a morning after story (though I can say with absolute certainty that not everyone's includes a private plane and handcuffs) and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]

Last weekend I went to my friend’s birthday at one of those exclusive NYC clubs where you can’t get in if you’re not on a list. My friends and I got decked out for a big night on the town, which meant I put on a really short dress, slipped on my big practically-unwalkable heels, and shaved my legs. At first everything at the club was really fun and really trendy and really vodka-y. I was dancing on the tables and shamelessly hitting on guys. But that’s what happens when you’re drinking for free.

You know what also happens when you’re drinking for free? People lose their inhibitions as well as their dignity. One couple went from grinding on the dancing floor to humping on a booth. And while they were humping another couple edged into our corner and started getting busy. It didn’t take long before both girls were straddling the guys with their dresses pulled up and their underwear pushed down. While I can’t say that I saw actual intercourse (hard to see things when you’re shielding your eyes), I did see fingers going places fingers do not belong when those fingers are in public. One of the tables began shaking so hard that a waiter came over.  However I wrongly assumed that the waiter would stop the couple. Instead he just removed the glasses off the table so that there would be not broken glass when they started going at it on the floor. It’s at this point I started asking myself what was going on and what was I doing there.

And then one girl took a break (most likely to get tested for STDs) and her new lover took this as a chance to pick me up in both of his arms and say excitedly, “your turn.” Suddenly this went to bizarre and funny to Lifetime Movie of the Month. When I made it clear I would not be hooking up with him, he flipped me upside down, which made my dress flip upside down too. Attractive AND classy!

At that point, when I was mooning the entire club and wondering how I ended up in some fetish swingers sexy club, he put me down. I took one look at my friends and we ran out of there. In the cab ride home there were a lot of “what the?” but no actual coherent sentences. It wasn’t until I was back in my apartment, comfortably sitting in sweats, with my chastity belt on and locked that I could actualy talk about what just happened. Needless to say I can check “watching live porn” off my bucket list.

Comments