Maxim Says The Darndest Things: July Edition

You can imagine why I had to hide this cover from my dad...

If I were to understand what guys need advice on via Maxim magazine, there would be three things; grilling, telling jokes, and this month, ‘what to do if you’re approached by a hot woman or a bear.”  Golf-clap to you Maxim – job well done.

By Brittany

I purchased my monthly edition of the saucy mag this month and was bombarded by articles about steaks and coal-fire grills. And all of the men out there listening? When approached by a bear, offer it food. But when approached by a woman? Offering it food ain’t such a good idea.

While reading it inside of a Glamour magazine to block the Maxim cover from my father, I came upon many other intriguing articles. One in particular went on a hateful rant about ‘Why Summer Sucks.’ I couldn’t believe someone could possibly be shunning summertime. Needless to say, I was intrigued and read on.  The number one summer complaint? Scantily clad females. Why? Because “they never talk to you and you have to stare at their minimum clothed bodies anyway.”  Does this man realize he is complaining about partially nude woman that never complain/whine/talk?!  That’s news to me, bud.

Other articles featured were ‘How to Cook in a Bachelor Pad Fridge,’ and ‘Oregon Trail 2.0′ (a Maxim atlas full of places to conduct the gnarliest of gnarly road trips).  One article even gave men advice about how to have a proper summer fling.  The article was pretty right on, not that summer flings are rocket science. Maxim was having a modest trip so far – I was even debating letting this mag sit on my family coffee table after its use.

And then a lovely little article birthed itself from the Maxim pages.  That’s right, we were lucky enough to be given an article titled, ‘The Maxim Porn Dictionary.’  This article defined many pornarific items anyone should be scared to admit they utilize. Beyond defining ‘pedal pumping,’ this article had a lot more to offer.  Like how to navigate and use the terms. This is going to be good weird.

Maxim Says: Pony Play: Involves wearing vinyl horse costumes, hooves, bit bridles, harnesses, and saddles, and playing “horsey” while riding your partner around.
Brittany Says: I maybe did this when I was twelve, but sexual intentions were not evident.

Maxim Says: Furry: ‘Furries’ get sexually aroused by wearing animal costumes; they romp with their critter-suited pals at “confurences” and sometimes do the dirty in their fuzzy get-ups.
Brittany Says: I’m never going to look my high school mascot in the eye mesh screen again.

Maxim Says: Tree: Bizarre subset of arborphilia, a sexual attraction to the sexy stumps, thick trunks, seductive bark openings, and beckoning branches of our arboreal buddies.
Brittany Says: When it comes to artistic expression, I can understand that trees are a sacred art form to capture the natural curves of their branches…movement in their leaves…but for actual sexual jive down south? Say it ain’t so.

Maxim Says: Food: The presentation of high-calorie foods as a substitute for sex.
Brittany Says: Can I partially agree with this one? I mean, if I’m hungry and there is a fine spread of delicious grub in front of me. . .no. Food is not substitute for sex. The cucumbers and mayonnaise stay on the sandwich. Bottom line.

Maxim Says: Furniture: ‘Furnies’ get off on stacking furniture in compromising positions and taking pictures of their handiwork.
Brittany Says: This puts Housewives of New Jersey into a sane and innocent place. And after all of those years wondering about the family you nanny, now you know what’s going on if you find a stack of Pottery Barn magazines placed on top of the toilet.