The Bachelorette: Rated R’s Got a Secret

"Everything I tell you is a big, fat lie."

I’m going to resist titling this week’s Bachelorette report “Why I Should Be Selected as the Next Bachelorette” and not proceed into all the reasons why this season is kind of lackluster and how I would really do a better job.  Trust me, it would be a riveting read (much like the season I have planned for myself), but I’ll spare you just this once.

By Alexandra Gehringer

This week’s episode found Justin aka “Rated R” trampling through the hotel bushes with his gimpy leg as he ran away from cameras and Ali’s hysterics.  He hobbled to his ultimate exit from the show (can I get an “amen”?) after she called him out on having not one, but two girlfriends back home. (Thank God a former Bachelor contestant who no one remembers happens to live there, or Ali may never have found out!) As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, ABC aired Justin’s voicemails to home and even included subtitles so everyone could understand his garbled pleas for affection from Jessica, the other woman.  Hadn’t Rated R learned anything from Tiger Woods?  Cell phones are a player’s worst enemy, bro.  If I were Ali, I would have removed that boot and used it to break his other leg. And then swing it at his perfectly manicured face just for good measure.

But that’s nothing compared to what Kasey’s going to do to him when he gets off that last minute flight he booked to Toronto after last night’s episode aired. Watch your back, Rated D(ouche bag).

Meanwhile, the remaining dudes packed their bags and headed to Istanbul, Turkey.  On a side note, I don’t know why Ali is selecting such random places to visit…was the classic Paris, London, Rome trifecta not good enough?  Maybe the City of Lights would have helped to light a fire under these people’s butts…or in their loins.  Regardless, Istanbul held sexy (not really) bathhouse massages, olive oil wrestling, and shiesty carpet salesmen.  How…romantic?

Let me say, officially, right now that if Ali does not wind up with any of these guys, I won’t be even slightly surprised.  So frequently they all talk about feeling this elusive connection and experiencing so-called sparks.  I don’t buy it.  As a viewer, pretty much every date has looked forced and uncomfortable.  Especially those group dates. Reall, what kind of date involves wrestling? None of them even spoke to Ali; how did that further her relationship with anyone but big ol’ Craig R. (who usually only uses his words to fight…get it?!!?!).

And Ali, girl, you’ve got to stop it with that dead girl stare you put on when someone’s talking to you.  It’s creepy and everyone knows you’re zoning out, formulating a plan to get rid of Vienna and win Jake back.

But back to the show:

The episode came to an abrupt halt when Ali forwent the cocktail party that typically precedes a rose ceremony. (SCANDALOUS!) She claimed she had already made up her mind, and in a huge duh! moment, sent Craig R. packing. I don’t know if it was a lack of a “romantic connection,” the way he looked in those wrestling pants, or the fact that he got really, overly excited by fireworks (what, they don’t have those in Philly?) but Ali just didn’t want him coming to Lisbon.

The award for best quote of the night goes to Kirk, who so eloquently questioned his group date in saying, “they want me to wrestle four guys oiled up in black leather pants with their game faces on?”  It was a bonus that his pronunciation of “game” sounded more like “gay” and that just made the sentiment so much more colorful.  Honorable mention goes to Frank, who lied through his teeth stating, “It’s fun to watch Ali shop…I could do that all day long.”  Nice try, buddy.  Only Chris Harrison is smooth enough to pass off that big of a fib as fact.

Next week the show takes a hiatus for the holiday weekend and is replaced by an interview with Jake and Vienna.  They’ll address the split, which we all saw coming, and separate fact from tabloid fiction.  Will you be tuning in while you nurse a hangover from the 4th of July? You know I will. Nothing says “America” quite like a reality TV show couple discussing their pre-marital divorce.

Share your comments on everything Ali, Jake, and Vienna below.  It’s all a hot mess, but someone’s got to talk about it.