Gossip Cheat Sheet: The Paparazzi Are Gonna Be Bored With Lilo Behind Bars…

By Caitlin Corsetti

Wowza! This week has been quite the whirlwind.

Is Lindsay going to jail? Does she think it’s totally unfair and tell everyone via her Twitter ramblings?
Is Mel Gibson even more crazy than we thought?

Yes, yes, and yes! While there aren’t a ton of new developments this week, what’s been developing just keeps getting developier better. Not for the celebs so much – I mean, unless Lindsay is super geeked to wear a jumpsuit for 3 months – but for us because it gives us plenty to talk about/make fun of. Yay?

Why are celebs so stupid?

1. Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days (or more!) in jail, rehab after that, and 1 year of random drug testing! Hooray, it’s about time! Girlfriend needs some MAY-JAH help. LiLo broke down in court, but I think it’s just her acting skills (and you can’t deny she’s a good actress). She thought she was going to get off with a slap on the wrist. Well, that’s what happens when you wear a nice F*** U manicure to court, Ms. Lohan. Get.It.Together. Lindsay has hired a new attorney and is appealing the court’s decision because she doesn’t believe her sentence is fair.

2. Poor Oksana Grigorieva. The L.A. County Sheriff’s Department is now investigating Mel Gibson for domestic violence after a recording has surfaced of Mel telling Oksana that she “f****** deserved it.” No, he wasn’t talking about some sparkly diamond bracelet he got her for being such a lovely woman; he’s, of course, referring to punching her in the face. There have been numerous recordings of Gibson making horrendous racist remarks, and this just makes it worse. We’re on Team Oksana for sure, but I think even the most vile creature on earth (Spencer Pratt?) would side with her.

3. NBA star LeBron James is joining the Miami Heat! Basketball fans sat around for hours last night waiting for the big guy to make his decision. LeBron decided to leave the Cavaliers after a disappointing season, and people have been closely watching him – while teams get on their knees and beg for him – to figure out where he’d go next. He’s joining the Heat along with Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade. They’ll be awfully close to those Kardashians in Miami. I have a feeling Kim will be checking in on Dash a little more often now.

4. Mary J. Blige is going back to school! She got her high school diploma from New York back in the day and now she’ll be attending Howard University, class of 2014. What a great role model! Mary is 39 with a seriously successful music career, yet she’s still going to get her college degree. Props!

5. Soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo is having a baby. From a surrogate. That he paid to keep quiet. What?! OK, totes not sure on this. Cristiano is dating model Irina Shayk who seems to have no problem with the new baby daddy situation. Some reports are suggesting that the baby mama is a woman Cristiano slept with and is paying to stay out of the picture. Some are saying it’s a surrogate. I don’t know what to believe, but congrats?

Less Stupidity

1. Rachel Dratch from SNL is having a baby! Congrats to you, funny lady!

2. Rumors flew this week that Taylor Lautner was joining the cast of X-Men… but he’s not. This makes me sad. Taylor Lautner shirtless is delicious, but Taylor Lautner in one of those rubbery suits with the sculpted abs? Wait, what was I saying?

3. Jennifer Aniston is supposedly dating actor Chris Gartin, who is almost divorced from his wife. Her reps deny it but we’re onto you, Jen! And we’re happy. He seems to be a lot better than some of those other dudes…

4. Rihanna’s tours aren’t selling out, so she’s canceling! She canceled in Atlanta and Denver, and more are likely to follow. Uh oh! I wonder why no one’s buying?

5. He’s not shirtless, but who’s more sexy than Seth Cohen aka Adam Brody?!