[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, ladies.]
Something happens from the time when we are kids to adults. We learn that if we want to be successful at a career, buy a house, save for retirement or achieve any major milestone in life we have to work for it. Yet, when I talk to people about finding “the one,” they want it to happen naturally. Organically. They will “know it when they see it.”
I don’t want to burst any bubbles, but no one is entitled to happiness. Nor is anyone entitled to a wonderful relationship. People have to work for it just like their careers or any of the other relationships in our lives like friendships or family. When you feel you are entitled to something you stop working for it and sit around and wait for it to happen for you.
The good news is everyone can have a healthy and balanced relationship; the hard news is that you have to work for it just like other areas of your life. You’ll have to take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and go against your natural human instinct to wait for the movie moment. Want to stack the odds in your favor? Do the homework. Figure out where you are, who is a good match for you and be aware of how you are presenting yourself.
Here are a few other common dating myths you need to consider.
MYTH: Men are intimidated by confident and intelligent women
You are right. Some men are intimidated by confident and intelligent women. They probably are not the right guys for you. That’s ok….we are only looking for one. No one is right for everyone. But what I find is a more common scenario is that when a man meets a confident and independent woman, it may look like she does not have room in her life for him. If she already has everything figured out, where does he fit? No man I know is going to take the time to understand how he can squeeze himself into her schedule and life. I know it is a fine line, but figure out how to be your fantastic confident self and able to express that there is room for a great person.
MYTH: The third-date rule
Dating isn’t about rules or games. It is about smart decisions that protect your body and heart. Jumping into a sex too quickly confuses chemistry with compatibility. Excited about the chemistry, it is easy to miss the red flags that alert you when someone isn’t a good match. All of a sudden you are in a relationship and realize you don’t really even like the person, and at that point it is sticky to get out and feelings get hurt. Here is the one rule to follow: If you don’t feel comfortable talking about if you are dating and are exclusive, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Here is the honest truth. Love is going to happen, when it happens. There is no way to control it or force it. It doesn’t even matter how desperately you want it. What does matter is that you continue to take care of yourself and work on creating your life to be the type of person that you would want to date. So, stop comparing yourself to everyone you know. Yes, you may still be single while all of your friends have significant others. However, they may be envious of you and dream of the days when they were free to experience the world—despite telling you otherwise. So get out there, take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and create your own relationship success story and kick those myths to the curb.
MYTH: Love Conquers all
You know what? I love love. I truly think it’s what makes the world go round. It is why I do what I do. But there is a lot of confusion out there about love and relationships. Our expectations are higher than they have ever been before. When we finally meet someone who we feel chemistry and a connection with we think to ourselves, “Finally!” Then we jump in with excitement.
Even as a dating coach, I do not think that it is my place to judge whether or not love can actually conquer all. What I do know is that too many times we get so excited that we miss the important stuff. The stuff that helps us know whether or not this is a true relationship where love can grow and maybe even conquer. Sometimes, we are not in the right place for a relationship because we haven’t taken care of the crud from our past that is blocking us from tearing down that wall and letting someone in. Other times, we don’t know ourselves well enough to see who would be or wouldn’t be a good match. All of these things create imbalanced relationships that make it hard to find real love and for love to blossom.
I do believe that real love is a strong and powerful emotion and when you have it on your side, it changes your life. But you have to make sure there is also respect, similar core values and communication. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.
Just remember, if you need someone in your corner, that is where the College Candy Dating Makeover comes in.