Ask a Dude: He Dumped Me…and Won’t Stop Texting

July 21, 2010 4:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  The Dude g+ page


By The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Why can't we be friends?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend broke up with me recently. He gave me legitimate reasons and used the “we’re not working, but I don’t want to lose you completely” line, which I’ve received too many times before. But this time, this ex is actually going through with trying to be friends. We broke up on Saturday and saw each other one last time on Sunday when he helped me move my stuff into a storage unit. The strange part comes about 5 minutes after we said goodbye on Sunday. He texted me right after he drove off and continued texting me well into the night on Sunday, and he texted me every day since, multiple times a day. If I don’t text him back, he’ll text me a couple of hours later and we’ll talk for a few more hours.

My question is: Why did he break up with me to just turn around and try to be friends 5 minutes later? My friends think that he’s not done with our relationship and the that 8 hours of distance we’ve had to deal with this summer was too hard for him to manage, and that he’ll try to pick things back up when I get back to school in the fall. I’ve just never experienced a break-up that didn’t end bitterly and that involved a boy that still contacted me on a regular basis. I don’t know what to do. Help!

Sincerely,
As Confused As Ever

Dear As Confused As Ever,

There are so many ways to break up with someone: Post It pummeling (aka the Burger blurb), the e-mail eradicator, over coffee (which you must then offer to buy!), or the good old fashioned  talk. The question arises, what’s the best way to tell someone that it’s no longer working for you? “It’s not me, it’s you,” “I’m going through a time of transition,” “I’m complicated and knowing my history, we’ll last longer as friends,” “I want to preserve what we have as friends,” “This says you can’t come within 500 feet of me,” “Didn’t you get my message?” and the one I think is probably the wisest, “I need some space.”

Space after a break up is necessary. Now what’s screwy and unfair with your situation is that he isn’t giving you any. Being the breaking upper (albeit this is a small generalization), you tend to have more time to prepare for the break up. You’ve thought about it, you’ve been trying to mentally and emotionally prepare for the reality that the bond you have with that person is about to change (or end). The breaker upper knows what they need and it’s only responsible to give the other person the time to process. It’s bullsh*t of him to not give you the same courtesy of adjusting to this new reality.

The bitter break up is not inevitable or mandatory. There are some more civil endings to relationships. However, an immediate friendship within 24 hours is likely torture for one party and a crutch for the other. You’re being tortured because he’s using you as a crutch.

Tell him to give you your space. A friendship is possible once enough time and change has occurred. If you rush right into being best friends afterward, all signs point to leftover sexual and romantic inclinations being present. The blurrier the lines are after a break up, the likelier you’re heading to a head-on collision. You have to establish new boundaries with each other and stick to them or else a fight where you chew each other out is inevitable. Tell him this: if he really wants to be friends, you both need to find out who you are apart from each other. Whether or not he thinks he needs time apart isn’t the issue; you have to do what you need to do for you. You’re not subject to what he wants – be assertive and tell him what you need. You can be friends, but when both of you are ready.

Heartbreaking, dream making, love taking

The Dude

19 Comments on "Ask a Dude: He Dumped Me…and Won’t Stop Texting"

  1. M says:
    Wed, 21st Jul 20106:23 pm 

    AMEN. I had an ex who didnt get the picture only he didn't text he called….constantly. Yes, I said I wanted to be friends but I figured that wouldn't even begin to start til 9 or 10 months later…when I would be back in the area for grad school. Not well I'm in town for the weekend 3 months later and you spot me in the bar and proceed to follow me around like a lost lil puppy for the entire evening. Yeah kinda had to put him in place, in public. I felt bad but I needed my space to be me.

  2. claire mill says:
    Fri, 6th Aug 20106:29 am 

    i have recently broken up with my boyfriend as he is always telling me he is confused and its not fair on me and that i should find a nice guy that will treat me right.. i kept asking him if he was seeing another girl and he swore to me he wasnt and everytime i try to move on he texts me at least once everyday and its so hard for me to foget about him.. and i dont want to forget about him either. when i ask him why he does it he says its because he cares about me and now my head is confused, as hes telling me to move on but how can i when he does this.. please help and tell me if i should break it even though its not what i want.

  3. Annie says:
    Mon, 9th Aug 20102:47 pm 

    What's up with everyone? HE broke up with you! Don't answer ANY of his texts or phone calls! If he said it's wasn't working for him, then he'll miss you before you'll miss him. And you can SHOW him better than you can tell him. You should have never answered ANY of his texts. Don't let him keep his foot in your door. You can't close the door.

  4. Annika says:
    Tue, 24th Aug 20104:33 pm 

    Annie-You couldn't be more correct. I have an ex that broke up with me, wanted to remain friends after the breakup and I find out a week later that he's seeing a new girl…but the looser continues to call and text every three to five days. It's been about two months now. He has publicly displayed that he's in a relationship on facebook and posted pics of his new girl. I REFUSE to acknowlege him. I will not respond! It's always the best approach, silence speaks more than words. Now I sit back and laugh thinking to myself what a real tool he is to continue to try and contact me after two months of getting no call or text back. I mean who does that?! hahaha LOOSERS!!!!

  5. korea says:
    Mon, 27th Sep 20102:39 am 

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  6. Kirsty says:
    Tue, 30th Nov 20105:30 pm 

    ARGH! I am going through EXACTLY the same thing! Been seeing a guy, broke up cos he can't commit and love me like I need him to, but he KEEPS CONTACTING ME! He even moved to Japan but he STILL CONTACTS ME every day, sometimes for hours, sometimes several times a day, despite the time difference! I spoke to him, asked him not to contact me, but he contacted me THE NEXT DAY saying @'Hey sorry i know you dont want me to contact you but i was just wondering blah blah blah. So i spoke to him again today and suggested we speak to each other less if I'm not his girlfriend, he agreed and made it clear he doesn't want a long distance relationship, but he says i know where he is if i want to chat – What is his problem?!?! In the meantime i am constantly clinging on to some hope that he is still into me and can't live without me but he just can't admit it, but in reality he is just being possessive and doesn't want me to move on until he is ready for that to happen, or he finds someone else. SO HARSH!

  7. iNeedHelp :c says:
    Sun, 16th Oct 201112:47 pm 

    This made me feel so much better knowing i'm not the only one with this problem! So after 2 months of basically dating with this guy and being together all the time. He realizes why he wasn't able to ask me to be his girlfriend, he "isn't ready for a relationship" "too much going on in his life". Like seriously dude? And like he texts me 3 times after everything that day. And he keeps texting me everyday. Saying he "still cares about me a lot and wont bare to lose me" I don't know what i should do.. I want to keep talking to him but its only hurting me.

  8. Erin says:
    Thu, 22nd Dec 20114:48 am 

    I can seriously relate to all of you! He dumped me after three years. We parted ways and ended on bad terms. But see, the thing is, is he’s the one who dumped me, yet he texts me like once a month or so saying weird stuff. Sometimes I think he’s being sarcastic and a jerk with the crap texts he sends. We have been broken up for almost a year and after all the drama even after the breakup, I am completely over him, and he says he is over me but I think that’s a load of bullshit because why would he tell me I need to move on and then still text me? Like wtf! I’m guilty of trying to get him back in the beginning of the breakup, but after awhile I stopped caring about him altogether. His texts consist of asking me for sexy pictures so he can “whack off” because dirty magazines just aren’t cutting it anymore. I think its because I sent him a sexy picture by accident. I meant to send it to someone else, I swear, it was a total accident. I was so embarrassed and said I was sorry and I didn’t mean to send that to him. He of course did not believe me. So after that happened, he acts like”oh I know she wants me back” and like I said, texts like once a month saying dumb stuff. I never reply to his texts, but I sure would like to so I can rip him to shreds. Lol. He became an alcoholic after the breakup so I guess that could be a possibility as to why he’s acting this way. He seriously thinks I want him back and thinks I can’t make it on my own. Newsflash buddy, I’ve been “making it on my own” since you left and I’m doing damn good!! Is he jealous? Is he trying to get a rise out of me? Is he still in love with me but won’t admit it? I’m tired of his games so I’m going to continue to follow the no contact rule and see where it goes from there. My advice to other people, DO NOT RESPOND TO TEXTS OR CALLS! That sort of drama sucks. Just try to ignore your ex. Maybe egg his car windshield? Haha, jk. Pop his tires perhaps? Lol again, I’m kidding.

  9. Very Sad says:
    Sat, 11th Feb 20125:28 pm 

    My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. Gave a a good excuse, I understood and said ok. He wanted to remain friends but I told him that was to hard for me. I wished him the best and we hung up. It's been a month and I have been very sad. Then he texted me to say "hello" and he had been thinking about me. I read these other posts and know that I should not respond and I won't. I just don't get why they do that. It's mean.

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  11. Catherine says:
    Thu, 17th May 20125:03 am 

    I was seeing this guy for a short period, he ended up sleeping with someone else and told me about the day after..said he was very sorry, but this is always how he acts in relarionship..i finished things there and then, but its been two months now he texts every day and sometimes phones.. I know i shouldnt answer but i cant help it, whats he after, nothing else had happenend, why does he continue to text..

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  13. golfergirl says:
    Sun, 14th Oct 20129:16 pm 

    Claire, I am in the VERY same situation.. How did this end for you and did you get back with him>>>

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