B says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20104:58 am 

Great article. Agreed to everything except:

"Virginity was maintained until marriage because no one wanted to catch a disease from their future spouse. Which is fair enough, really."

Virginity in general was not maintained until marriage. Many men had sex with multiple partners long before getting married. Women were supposed to maintian virginity until marriage, and the main reason was not fear of disease, but that their future husbands wanted to be sure that any children their wives bore were 100% their children. A father could not marry off a daughter as easily if she was known to have had sex before marriage. Marriage was a contract and a negotiation, and the daughter's "purity" played a huge part. Purity then remained a big deal even as the practice of treating a daughter like a commodity was no longer a part of most societies.

I understand that you were just trying to touch on the fact that in the past virginity until marriage had a point, and it wasn't necessary to go into detail in this article, but diseases were definitely not the main reason why most women stayed virgins.

Johnnie says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20106:59 am 

@B: Thanks for dropping some much needed knowledge on this article. @Ness: You can't just make stuff up in an article. This is the most uninformed thing I have read on this site and that is saying something.

Katie says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20108:03 am 

Yeah okay sex has nothing to do with being completely vulnerable with someone else and showing them you want to be with them. Right. If you find someone to love you it might matter to them that you've had sex with fifty other people. Even if it was protected. B and Johnnie are right on.

J says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20109:16 am 

I was confused about the "historical" part of this article as well. I had always thought, and been told, that the main motivation for women remaining virgins until marriage and then for monogamy within that marriage was for the man to feel secure that any children his wife had were his own progeny.

And I also have no real problem with guys or girls who choose to sleep with a lot of people, as long as they aren't somehow managing to hurt me, but when I learn someone has had a ridiculously high number of partners I do wonder just how high their self esteem may be. I know its not always the case and there are lots of confident people who just enjoy sex but I do feel there is a certain amount of insecurity involved in being ok with a sexual relationship while having no long term emotional investment, and making this type of behavior a habit.

Ness - Sheridan says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 201010:00 am 

@B, thanks for that correction, you're right. I was basing my statement on the epidemic proportions of syphilis back in the day, but I should've mentioned pregnancy as well. My mistake.

As for this being "the most uninformed thing" you've read on College Candy, @Johnnie, seeing as @B's correction was really the only part of this article that wasn't opinion/experience, I don't see how that's possible. But, I'm sorry you feel that way. You don't have to read Sexy Time if you don't want to.

Anna says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 201011:11 am 

I agree that the number doesn't matter, to a point. It's still possible to contract an STD while using protection, so it's important to get tested regularly. If that's the case, than I think that the number isn't a big deal. If you're approaching astronomical, you might want to examine your behavior and intentions, but that's personal.

Leigha says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 201011:41 am 

Except someone with a very low number (say, 0-2) might not really be COMPATIBLE with someone with a higher number (say, over 20). It's not so much the number itself, in my opinion, as the reasoning behind it. If one person has a low number because they think sex should only be with someone you care deeply about, and another has a high number because they think it's just for fun and don't care who it's with (NOT, of course, that it can't ALSO be with someone you care about), that could be an irreconcilable difference.

Not to mention, a person with a low number might be intimidated by the much much greater experience a person with a higher number may have (although, it is possible to have a lower number and have more experience).

E says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 201011:44 am 

I second B. And also, for the following:

"Well, what Christians seem to overlook is that love causes one to lose way more of themselves than sex does. Every time you get your heart broken – every time you give your heart to someone – that person gets part of you, whether sex is involved or not. And yet, the faithful don’t warn against falling in love. It’s not a sin to fall in love, only to have sex."

Actually they do advise against it. It's called "guarding your heart", and was drilled into my head in many a religion class and youth group meeting (which in the end, I also ignored along with the chastity..hehe)

Not the most unbiased article I've ever read, but since I agree with you, it's all good. Just thought I'd point that out though.

Amanda says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 201012:08 pm 

good opinion, but I disagree with all of it.

Danielle says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 201012:25 pm 

I must say I don't agree that it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter to most people because it's none of their business, but it does matter to your partner because it's human nature to care. I don't think it has anything to do with being close-minded. Sometimes it's really difficult to get over the thought of your partner with so many others before you. It also makes you question how much you really mean to them.

Also, I think that having too much casual sex can make you jaded and possibly hurt your ability to feel and enjoy the emotional aspects of sex.

But, one thing I can say is that it's pretty messed up how much more it matters for women than it does for men. I was reading an article somewhere recently that said men rate women as promiscuous after an average of 10 partners, whereas men are only considered promiscuous after 20-30 partners.

I think numbers definitely do matter to an extent, but women's numbers shouldn't matter any more than men's.

S says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20102:10 pm 

What is the number then?

What is the number that you are supposed to stop at? I know this is to be personal but it seems that most people have a limit… so is that 4, 5 maybe 10?

So let’s count… there is the guy that takes your virginity (high school), the next one is in college… then you move to where your job is and you think you meet the guy (you were wrong), you get to have 1 one night stand… then you actually meet prince charming get married have kids… but he dies. So that is 5 and your still in your 20’s… but you said 5… celibacy for the rest of your life? I really don’t think so. You move on.

What about the person that never meets anyone to marry? They are out there… I guess they had better be careful with only 10 at the most before they are slutty. Could you imagin if they live to 100!

We have enough numbers in our lives… birth registration number, Cell number, driver’s license, SIN, your student number and on it goes… till your death is registered.

Really what matters is the fact the person treats you with love and respect before, during and after the relationship. You use condoms till the two of you get tested for STI’s… They don’t think less of you because their number is higher, they did not even know you existed!

Don’t ask about a number it is truly none of your business. I certainly agree with the article…

I guess another question might be how many times do you have sex a week? Is there a limit for that to before you become slutty?

Emily says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20103:12 pm 

I always hate the "magic number" question. Someone always looks like a slut or a prude, there is no middle ground. I may have had more partners then most, but I guarantee most girls my age have had more sex then I have. The number means nothing unless you apply the context to it, I say when someone asks you, tell them its none of their f*ing business cause it isn't.

Whitney says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20106:27 pm 

Okay, first of all. This was a really unresearched and inaccurate article.

First of all, it was very historically inaccurate AND you don't even fully understand or know the Christian argument against premarital sex.

Virginity, historically, was important to establish paternity. Apparently inheritance was kind of a big deal, and men didn't want to pass on their wealth to another man's son. Disease…not so much. (More details, of course, but this is the simplest way to explain it)

Christian point of view is that God created sex as a holy bond between one man and one woman. Your point that Christians argue you "give a piece of yourself away" every time is a really simplistic explanation of what we actually believe. Our views on sex are actually beautiful, and intimate.

Virginity is something that save–so it's special. Sex is something I will share with only my husband. And I don't care who asks me or who judges me for it. (And frankly, waiting until I'm married makes dating SO much easier, because the guys who are only in it to get some stay far away–I don't have to deal with all that extra drama. It's awesome.)

I couldn't care less how many people/times other people have sex. In fact, I don't have to deal with the debate of raising or lowering my "number" because I am proud of the choice I have made.

Why is it so important for people to put down people who *choose* not to do so? It's a choice either way–and I think everyone should respect everyone elses' decisions.

M says:
Thu, 22nd Jul 20107:10 pm 

A "magic number" is a HUGE deal in high school, because it seems to tell a lot about a young man or woman. Ex: still 0 prude/has morals, lower numbers go either way, number in the teens raises eye brows. Since anything can be expected in college, it is like accident forgiveness unless there has been an abortion or a viral STD.

After college people have different lives (good input S and Whitney). Some people find love in wrong people. Some get lucky and find THE ONE. In the end it's the person not the number who matters.

It does not make any difference in a healthy relationship, just the mindset does. If you do not trust your partner due to their statistics, then this may not be the right time in your relationship to have sex.

Jackie says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20102:18 am 

I was compelled to post to say that this article is completely your opinion. That's totally fine and you're wholly entitled to it (as we all are), but don't try to pass it off as fact. Also, your "Christian" perspective is totally skewed, even false. Whitney's explanation is more on target. First of all you're making a huge generalization – not all Christians have the exact same ideas about sex. Second of all, the idea that "every time you have sex with someone, you’re giving a little piece of yourself away" is not based in any sort of Christianity. Also, saying that a religion that has millions, even billions, of adherents around the world doesn't "make sense" and casting the beliefs of said adherents as outdated and close-minded is a little close-minded of you. I think that if the decision to sleep around is fair, so is the decision to NOT sleep around if you feel it's not beneficial to yourself. From personal experience, I've found that unfortunately, sex can be damaging, hurtful and regrettable in some instances.

I think it's wrong to judge a person for their personal choices – everyone has to choose their own path. So I don't think it's fair for you to judge people whose opinions oppose yours. Hopefully you can be open minded enough not to be defensive but to take the comments to heart.

S says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20103:03 am 

Jackie…

Isn't the point of writing an opinion piece taking a side and having an opinion? What kind of an article would it be if Ness said all is good everyone is right? She took a stand, her article and she can make those statements. I don't think she is judging anyone… that is the point. Ness is saying a number should not matter.

R says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20105:35 am 

I disagree on one part – the number of people you've slept with can still hurt a person. Say you bedded 15 or so women before finding "the" girl, who might have had a less…promiscuous…past. I know from experience that it is possible for that one girl to feel like she is just another person you slept with – which hurts. Just something to think about.

Ness - Sheridan says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20108:08 am 

Just to clarify, when I was a Christian I was told exactly what was quoted in the article about losing oneself every time you have sex with someone different. In fact, I even had to watch my youth leader glue pieces of construction paper together and tear them apart to show how little bits of each piece would get stuck on each other. Basically, how we become damaged after having sex. OF COURSE that is not the only reason SOME Christians don't have premarital sex, I am fully aware of what the bible says… but that was my experience and what was said to me. That's why it was in quotes, I didn't "make it up".

M says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 201010:55 am 

You are the most damaged person I know. Reading your articles is like reading about a lost puppy who thinks its a full grown dog. Who we have sex with does not make us who we are, we make ourselves who we are. You seem to pretend like If our lives don't revolve around sex then we are not living. I understand this is a sex column, but you seem so lost and lonely that you make excuses for every man or boy you sleep with and then you write that you are "empowered.

But then again I do not obsess about everyone I've had sex with. That must mean I am confused and immature, so never mind this entry right?

A says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 201011:43 am 

Oh M,

You are such a troll. You shouldn't hate people anonymously on the internet, it is bad for your soul. If you don't like talking about, or reading about sex, then why do you read a sex column? Grow up.

Man, don't you just love constructive criticism?

originalM says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20104:50 pm 

To R.

The right girl does not feel like a notch in a bedpost no matter what the statistics are as long as you already have love, good connection, and trust.

To everyone out there who seems offended either way about this article: it's a personal realization made in one person's life, not the answer to all questions.

Tom says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20105:34 pm 

It matters for women because no one wants to sleep with a loose ass girl with no gag reflex. And since gender equality matters guys need to keep their numbers down to match.

Chad says:
Fri, 23rd Jul 20109:19 pm 

@M

I'm not really sure what point you are trying to prove here, but it seems like you are agreeing with Ness's main point of the article. You re-wrote an exact quote from her article when you said that "who we have sex with does not make us who we are"… And I see no comment that states that she is defending her past relations, or that she is more "empowered" because of them. Really, I think you are a little confused and the only accurate point in your rant is that we should "never mind this entry"

Emily says:
Sat, 24th Jul 20107:32 pm 

I agree with E. It was drilled into my head, along with the other people in my groups at church, that you should always guard your heart. That means that you don't date casually. You only date to find the person that you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. If you are doing that with those intentions with other people who have those intentions (which they should since you're only supposed to date other Christians), then you shouldn't be getting your heart broken over and over.

That being said, I don't necessarily agree with (nor did I abide by) that rule. I just thought it was important to clarify that it is taught to not have premarital sex and to not date until you're looking for "the one."

Hindsight says:
Sat, 24th Jul 201010:22 pm 

This article is completely misleading. I contracted genital herpes after practicing very safe sex. Herpes is spread via skin to skin contact, not via bodily fluid. Although it is most easily spread when a sore is present, it can also be spread when no signs are present. This is known as "Asymptomatic Transmission." Generally available research shows that this is a common form of transmission because many people with the virus do not know that they are infected. Once infected an individual can spread the virus to other places on the body including the eyes. Additionally, a mother with herpes can potentially spread the virus to a a baby via the birth canal/vaginal delivery. All in all it is a tremendously humiliating virus that last a life time. I only wish I knew then what I know now. Very clearly I contracted this disease, while wearing a condom, due to the number of times I potentially exposed myself to it. Period. It's very simple math and I am surprised people are still so naive about Herpes.

Aguy says:
Sun, 25th Jul 20102:52 pm 

There are two reasons why high numbers are good for men and terrible for women:

1. Women don't need to work to get sex. A woman with high numbers has been giving something valuable away instead of working to get it. Women demonstrate depth of character by NOT giving away the goods when it would have been so easy

2. Men calculate a woman's long-term value by the amount of herself she's given away in the past. Many men won't admit this, but they all make these calculations subconsciously. Why pay a high price for something that's been used for free by lots of random nobodies?

Women can cry "double standard!" and make all the "we have birth control now!" arguments they want, but it's a simple fact of life that will never change.

Unless he's desperate, when "Mr. Right" finds out he's being asked to pay retail price for a used up skank, he won't respect you. By then it's too late. No amount of indignation or creative arguments will turn back the clock.

three says:
Sun, 25th Jul 20105:19 pm 

just because you've slept with many and just crawl into any bed with any number of people in it, doesn't mean that you can write a column to gain some sort of forgiveness. and i understand this is a informal coloumn where you can write your realizations and thoughts, but if you want to make it in the industry so bad, stop being so self loathing.

Emmy says:
Mon, 26th Jul 20102:51 pm 

This article seems somewhat uninformed (herpes, crabs, and chlamydia can be transmitted without condoms), from the reason for virginity being important in olden times, to generalizing Christian belief (not a good idea to generalize any religion when said religion has dozens of different sects), and to the poor journalism in itself (ie: "Oh wait, it doesn’t!" and "is that really the type of close-minded person you would want to spend the rest of your life with anyways?"). Condoms and other forms of birth control do not protect 100% against STDs and/or pregnancy. Your article basically said it was invalid to fear such things in our lifetime because of protections (many people here are arguing that this is an opinion piece – fine, but saying STD fears are invalid because there is protection is dangerous). The only absolute protection, sadly, is abstinence. So being interested in someone's 'magic number' could be legitimate for people who want to remain as safe as possible. This is not always closed-mindedness; this is trying to be safe.

I came to this website expecting to read well-written articles by college students (or even graduates) but this reads like a livejournal post made by a 10th grade high school student.

Alicia says:
Mon, 26th Jul 20105:09 pm 

I’ve actually been thinking a lot about this recently, however, I never realized the negative stereotypes against casual dating. Maybe I’m crazy, but at 20, I want to meet men and have fun, but I don’t want “the one” anytime in the next 8 years or so. Too much school to do, world to see and work to enjoy, but men are fun to flirt with and make life interesting. I understand being safe and not sleeping with complete strangers, but sex is fun. My number is still rather low, since I waited to start college before I gave up my virginity, so I can’t relate to the “high” number issue, but I don’t see why you should worry about what anyone else thinks and I have the feeling that if “the one” is that bothered by your sexual history, they probably aren’t “the one” or they’d be more concerned with your current relationship than your past ones.

criolle johnny says:
Tue, 27th Jul 20106:19 am 

There have been quite a few in hospitals, dying miserable deaths, wishing that they had indeed, "had sex with fewer people".

This isn't a question of morality, it's basic survival. Back in the day, "antibiotics fixed anything". Then herpes changed the game, but it was only embarrassing.

Today's STD's are literally killers. Not only are they killers, but you don't realize that you have been killed until you have killed a few others … and THEY have killed a few others.

THOSE . ARE . NOT . JUST . NUMBERS We are talking about real people, dying. Visit a ward sometime. See someone who knows about what matters.

It has precious little to do with religion or morality or unintended pregnancies. It's about the others impacted by your reckless decisions.

Try to be a more responsible journalist.

Jim says:
Tue, 27th Jul 201010:07 am 

Great article. I've always felt that as long as you are single it shouldn't matter to any one what your number is. I can understand that if you are in a relationship and your partner has a higher number than you how you could feel inadequate. As long as you aren't still looking to add to your number while in a relationship than it shouldn't really concern you. We can see in some cases on http://www.cheatconfession.com that people are still looking to grow their numbers even while ina relationship

C says:
Fri, 30th Jul 20102:40 am 

i loved this article! i couldn't agree more. if you're young, single and want to have sex, why not (as long as protection is used!!) regular std tests are extremely important. i hate that men can get away with it and women can't. that's ridiculous. no thank you

A- says:
Sat, 31st Jul 20109:39 pm 

I guarantee that no one has been on his or her deathbed at 90 years old thinking, “Jeeze, I wish I had sex with fewer people.”

I am 19 and wish i had sex with fewer people.

6 months ago i would have full heartedly agreed with this article but i feel like to say sleeping around is just a choice for some with no consequences, your probably not being totally honest with yourself. It took a long time for me to see what i had truly given up to all those guys and its going to take even longer to gain it back.

sex is special and intimate not to be shared with just anyone, save yourselves for the one who matters.

MD says:
Sun, 1st Aug 20102:55 am 

Quality not Quantity. as for the experience thing this works as well. a quality relation is more productive than a wham bam thank you mama. i think the title of this should have been "love VS lust" love may cause us some pain, but these things in life are what make us. if we go through life picking the roses but never smelling them. have we really lived ? what Christ teaches us is that sex out side of love. can screw with your head & make you feel as though your in love when you actually just lust. it's a warning just like everything else in the bible. every one that has fallen in love has felt it's sting, but it's also a tender caress.

love vs lust is something i think man will have issues with till the sun dies. like instinct vs. reason. argument that have strong merits on both sides. but sex activity is def a matter of opinion. if a lover is uncomfortable with someones number it shouldn't be a see ya later situation if both parties can be objectionable adults, things like this are malleable in the presence of love.

Seerak says:
Sun, 1st Aug 20106:37 pm 

A low "magic number" can have absolutely nothing to do with religion… ask any nerd.

My wife had a number well into the double digits, and I actually counted this in her favor… because it meant that I probably didn't have to explain anything, and that she was at least sufficiently at home in her body to be able to enjoy it.

After all, I didn't care how may have been there before me… my focus in on making sure that there won't ever need to be anyone *after* me.

Robin says:
Mon, 2nd Aug 20104:26 am 

Wow folks, today's lack of knowledge is truly frightening! First, the stats on 'protection' are pretty lousy. Even with protection, you still have a high risk of spreading certain common STDs. I have a friend who now has cervical cancer because of an STD that she contracted while correctly using 'protection'. Also, what does 'getting tested regularly' benefit you? If you get tested after sex, a bad test result only confirms that you are already too late! If anything, both you and your partner should get tested BEFORE you have sex. That way you know what you are getting into before its too late. Besides, when someone tests positive, do you honestly believe they are going to give up having sex? No, they will pretend they didn't know, because they still want sex just as much as they did before. That's how people are.

James says:
Tue, 3rd Aug 20101:06 am 

I hate the question myself. I think it is about 15 to 17 women I've been with, but most of them have been brief liaisons. I've only had 2 satisfying r'ships and stil haven't met Miss Right… but the point is that if I were to tell ppl I'd had that many women, say 15, they would think I'm a sleaze or that I think I'm a Casanova. It's not the case; I'm a loser who rides a bicycle and struggles to find work!

Recently I asked a 23yo Zambian girl in online dating how many she'd had. I was insecure, which makes sense! I'm 33 and white. She said 3, but that they were no good. I felt she was lying, but I also felt intrusive.. if she says she's experienced, she's a slut.. if not, she's lying; it's a question you can't win on. You see how she felt she had to say "but they were no good…"

I think if there's a discrepancy between experience, then the one with less will feel they may not be able to live up to their partner's past lovers. There is always curiosity, but maybe some things are better left unknown.

vicky says:
Tue, 3rd Aug 20102:36 pm 

i really think its wrong to say that someone who has had sex with many people has low self esteem.. or someone who has had sex with 2 is intimidated by sex. Who is to say that the person who has had sex with 20 people in a matter of 2 is more experienced than a person who has had sex with one person constantly for 2 years? Neither of these are wrong.. but to judge and say someone who has a lower number is intimated by sex is wrong. Its a personal decision and everyone should stop judging.

AC says:
Wed, 4th Aug 20103:03 pm 

While the number may not matter to you, I think it’s a bit presumptuous to take it upon yourself to say that the number shouldn’t matter to anyone. I get that you think we live in a time where it should no longer matter, but that’s just it, you think. I’m glad you have convictions, but don’t hold your own convictions as truths for the masses, because to a vast majority of the population that number does matter, and for very good reasons. Those reasons being, whatever the number holder chooses.

And why bother mentioning Christianity at all if one, you don’t agree or have any affiliation with the religion, and two, don’t offer any actual fact based in the religion? It seems to me, and I’m sure others, that you threw in that little tid-bit simply to undermine an institution that you find fault with. There are plenty of conventional Christian ideals on chastity that you could have argued against, and yet the only mention of Christianity you made was an obscure quote you were told as a child? That is what you used to try to oust widely accepted principles?

This article is a prime example of poor and LAZY journalism, which is all this site really is.

Kiah says:
Thu, 5th Aug 20106:30 am 

Interesting perspective, but I disagree. When you love someone, you do lose yourself, but you gain something else lasting from the other person, good or bad. In the case of sex, you gain temporary gratification, but permanently lose some of yourself.

Also, "historically speaking" the reason to have one partner, in most cultures, had as much, of not more, to do with honor and respect as with the reasons mentioned.

I feel like this article was extremely biased. It does not even attempt to delve into anything but the most basic and easily refuted reasons not to have many partners. The fact that this article was allowed to be posted reflects such ignorance and laziness on behalf of the site. If you are going to post something about such a touchy subject, you should at least take the time to actually present strong argument.

Mike says:
Thu, 5th Aug 20108:16 am 

I'm not going to comment on the whole Christianity and STD portions of your article because the main point/conclusion was on how many people we have sex with and why it doesn't matter. I understand that the Christianity and STD parts are just support, not the argument itself. I hope everyone else understands that.

I agree with your point that there shouldn't be too much stock put into how many people we have sex with. But, and I say this with caution as I couldn't possibly know everyone's situation/life, many people associate a "high" number as someone who only has sexual partners for sex, not a relationship. Whether or not that is right is another issue altogether. So it's understandable that people are untrustworthy of someone who has had sex with over a dozen people. Is it right? That's a determination that needs to be made on a case-by-case basis.

eric groza says:
Fri, 13th Aug 201010:21 am 

emily,

what are you doing tonight?

Tom says:
Tue, 24th Aug 201012:44 pm 

It matters if the answer is "zero", and no amount of happy talk changes this fact.

J says:
Sun, 5th Sep 201010:10 pm 

I don't know whether I can agree or disagree with this article.

I believe that the number, in a way, almost does matter, because to some people sex actually means something as opposed to being an urge that simply must be fulfilled. Its not so much that sex is sinful or dirty or whatever, but more so, its that you are willing to put yourself in that vulnerable position with another person. And the kicker maybe isnt so much the actual sex but the number of times you are willing to put yourself in such a vulnerable state with different people. You need to be comfortable with somebody to have sex, and maybe being comfortable to that level with so many people is what makes it frowned upon as that comfort level and security should ideally only be shared with one other person. Then again, we live in a world of relatives. One person may consider sleeping with one person to be "inexperienced", another may consider it to be "just right".

KJ says:
Mon, 6th Sep 20101:02 pm 

I think this article is really quite interesting. I'm one of those people who love sex… The number is high. That being said, I practice safer (no such thing as safe) sex. I care about my body and mind. I use protection, get tested for STDs/STIs on a frequent basis, and I don't use alcohol or drugs. Also, because I enjoy sex freely when I am single certainly does not mean I am incapable of a monogamous longterm relationship. I've been in several that have been very rewarding. Things are not always what they seem.

Mk says:
Sun, 19th Sep 20108:42 pm 

i definitely agree with the statement someone made already that society has this weird misconception that it is ok for guys to have sex with a lot of girls and it is not ok for a girl to have sex with a lot of guys. this is something that unfortunately will probably always exist although it is unfair. to me, sex is not something that should be taken lightly. i do think that the "average" number of ppl slept with in a lifetime is higher than what statistics are showing, however. i personally did not have sex until my senior year of highschool with my boyfriend, with whom i waited 6 months before doing it. a lot of people were having sex years before i was though, some even before highschool which blew my mind. you figure, once you get to college numbers raise faster than they did before. if you casually date a person or two at the beginning of college you're at like 3 or 4. then you might have a drunken one night stand or two, so thats 5. then maybe you have another boyfriend,6.. then you breakup and date someone else in college, 7,8.. etc etc. my number is not this "high", however, i can see how easily it is being reached these days. what matters is what kind of person you are and where your morals stand. numbers shouldnt matter unless they are sky high. but even then.. if you find "the one" and find out they have a high number should it stop you from being with them? i say no. its all opinionated though

BC says:
Mon, 11th Oct 201011:02 am 

i have been reading alot of these articles and most people say the numbers doesn't matter. Well if it didn't why when a woman has a high number does it bother her partner it must mean something. If she is your girl an has basically let everyman she found attractive run up in her it is gonna be a problem. Just because we have condoms now doesn't make it okay to just run around sleeping with who ever just for thrills. Imagine your mom divorced your dad, would you want her just running around sleeping with every guy she met. I doubt it. sex is something your suppose to share with someone special. I do agree with the fact that no matter what there will be one night stands, nights of meeting someone while drunk and getting carried away, sexual attraction is normal. But if your going out every weekend and sleeping with random guys for thrills point blank it's nasty and your just a jump off. Most single guys will be like yeah thats cool where is she at just because they are trying to get some ass. But when it comes down to a serious relationship it will be hard to find a good guy. the one's that don't care, don't look at you as a future wife. your just the convenient piece of ass at the moment. I say to each their own do what you want but when you find it hard to find a nice guy because you chose to sleep around it is your own fault. yeah there are double standards and across the board things aren't fair but it is what it is. no woman wants the guy with a minimum paying job at 30 that still lives at home with his mother right. men have to provide women have to keep their legs closed.

tick says:
Fri, 15th Oct 20104:04 am 

Uninformed! To act like condoms give us this risk-free sex life is dangerous and irresponsible. Statistically speaking, condoms have a possibility of failing. If you have a lot of sex, you're pushing the odds.

I am glad that there are some comments about the STDs which can be transmitted while still using a condom. HPV and Herpes are the two main ones that come to mind. Both of which are potentially pretty bad but usually not so bad, but still… possibility of cancer? Who wants that? Having to notify all your future partners that you have herpes or else being shamefully secretive and dishonest.. who wants that??

Do some research on STDs, find out whats out there, and how un-safe "safe" sex can be. Read up on the percentage of the population who actually have an STD. Don't read crap like this and think you're okay just wearing a condom and getting with as many people as you like. Make informed choices.

Meredith says:
Fri, 15th Oct 201011:05 am 

This article & these comments raise a lot of interesting points. My stance is that while the details of your sex life do not define who you are, they are a component of who you are & should not be dismissed so quickly. From my experience, the why, how & who of someone's sexual past reflects a lot of that person's sexual identity. I'm not so concerned with a particular magic number, but the circumstances of one's sexual choices can tell you a lot about how healthy their approach to sex is & what kind of self-esteem they have. If I find out a man I'm interested has had a lot of one-night stands, that's a red flag to me that he doesn't necessarily value sex the same way that I do & may have some serious insecurities. Sex with someone you don't care for & MORE IMPORTANTLY someone who doesn't care for you has been shown to have a negative impact on one's psyche–especially women. I love sex when I'm in love with a man. It's intense, connected, passionate, tender, raw & loving. We can be in compromising positions & take more risks sexually because we have a trust & a mutual respect. From my experience, if a man doesn't value that kind of sexual relationship, he probably won't value me & therefore is not my guy.

I also believe wholeheartedly in self-pleasure when not getting any, instead of screwing someone I don't care about. How is a guy who goes from girl to girl to girl & devalues masturbation going to handle the times in a relationship when things aren't so great & we're not so connected? Is he going to make me feel guilty for not wanting to have sex? Is he going to cheat? These are important considerations.

That said, I do hate the stigma our society places on a number of partners. As we age & are sexual beings, our number is obviously going to increase. For me the nature of the sexual relationships & the way they impact the sexers is way more important than some stupid digits.

Meredith says:
Fri, 15th Oct 201012:49 pm 

Also, for the record I am almost 27, a woman & have had sex with 10 people. I have had one one-night-stand & felt horrible about it so then never have or will do it again. The rest of my sexual experience has been within monogamous relationships. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't been intimate with certain people because my reasons were not always healthy reasons & I was not always getting the respect I deserve. I can't go back in time & undo anything & I refuse to lie to anyone, but I can make sure I don't settle for unfulfilling sex going forward. Does my number mean I am broken? I value making love & respecting one another, but after ten years of sex I've now hit the double digits. In order to not be a "slut", as a woman am I expected to remain celibate until I find "the one" & get married? What if I never find "the one"…am I supposed to live a sexless existence?

What I said before about the nature of & the impact of sex being most important means to me that if a sexual experience doesn't feel right or good to you, you don't do it again. That is all any of us can do–when it comes to the psychological effects of sex. Therefore when a potential partner tells me he doesn't feel good about having casual sex, but then shares a history of repeated casual sex…I am alarmed by the fact that he is repeatedly doing something that makes him feel bad afterward or even during. Impulse control & healthy boundaries are essential to a well-balanced adulthood. I have these qualities but have had sex with ten guys. SO am I a slut?…

jaime says:
Sun, 7th Nov 201012:27 am 

the person who wrote this is probably a slut

lou31 says:
Mon, 8th Nov 20102:40 am 

Oh and one final thing …

I often say to my friends when confronted with an exciting opportunity whether a man, work or whatever…

"When I'm sat in my wheelchair in my old peoples homes and look back on my life will I a) regret this or b) look back with laughter and fun memories?" Well, if I'm not causing any one hurt and I'm being as safe as I can possibly be not just regarding sex – it will always be ' b)look back with laughter and fun memories'. Live your life and don't judge others.

lou31 says:
Mon, 8th Nov 20107:29 am 

Ness – Sheridan, I found your article refreshing and open minded – it’s good to see. Reading the after comments – everyone is entitled to their opinion and there are many different opinions to this article. I am a firm believer that whether man or woman it is your choice whether you wait till your married or enjoy many different partners. It’s totally your choice. If you have a low number, fantastic, it doesn’t mean they are a prude or insecure, it’s your choice and you have your reasons which is noone else’s business. If you meet a partner who judges you on this they need to move on. It’s the partners issue not yours and they need to deal with it. Don’t feel bad for being who you are. The same goes for a man or woman with a high number. You have made a choice and if someone judges you on it it’s their issues not yours. They need to deal with it or get out of your life. Who are they to make you question your morals and choices? They are definitely not the person for you. It is them who have the insecurities and low self esteem. Not everybody who has a high number has low self esteem. People who judge people on the magic number need to take a look at why they are so insecure about it either way and do some work on themselves. A person is more than a magic number and if you can’t see past this and see all their fantastic qualities – you don’t deserve them and take yourself and your negativity out of their life.

People who still think women are ‘skanks’ or like used cars and should keep their legs closed are the type of people who are insecure, angry and probably find it very hard to get a woman – hence their attictude towards women. I don’t think any woman would want a man like that.

As for STD’s – that is a very valid point and one that unfortunately does affect so many people. However, if you practice safer sex and get checked regularly between partners to ensure saftey that is being responsible. I have a friend who was in a long term relationship and contracted HIV from her partner. Terrible and heartbreaking. She trusted him and had no idea that he was being unfaithful. So it can happen in relationships and out. It’s like anything in this world, nothing is 100% safe but we can’t lock ourselves away.

I don’t agree with cheating. I am 100% faithful and loyal when in a relationship but I won’t get into a relationship until I know I can 100% commit and if I can’t then I won’t and that is my issue – if there a parts about that person that i’m not ‘in to’ then once again that’s my problem and will not make them feel bad about it. Let them move on find someone who is ‘in to’ them and wants to commit. When I’m single. I’m single and enjoy dates. I don’t sleep with every man I meet but if I date a man I am very attracted too and want to enjoy their company for a while – that’s my choice. I have plenty of good male friends I have met this way who are still very important to me but we have different expectations out of life. These men have enhanced my life and I have learnt positives from them – don’t get me wrong I have experienced the a*** holes too. There is so much world and adventure out there – in this day and age marriage is not our only end goal. Some people believe in having many partners – if that’s what they want and they are not hurting anyone then good for them – let them. You don’t like it – it’s your problem and leave them alone. Some people want just one partner – good for them, let them and if you don’t like it it’s your problem and leave them a lone too.

Let people be who they are and stop judging and if you are judging take a look at yourself as in my experience people who judge are insecure, unhappy, angry and scared.

And one last very important thing – woman are equal to men in every way – if a man can do it so can we and vice versa (apart from the obvious such as child birth – that would be a miracle!!)

liz says:
Sun, 9th Jan 20113:52 pm 

I've kind of assumed that most people who sleep with a lot of people have very low standards. It's like a university with a high admission rate. No good

MIKKIE says:
Tue, 17th Jan 201210:47 am 

I DONT TRULY KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT SOMEONE THAT HAS HAD MANY PARTNERS. I'M ASSUMING IT IS A WAY TO SATISFY ONE-SELF WORTH. MINE HAS BEEN SO PRIDEFUL OF ALL THE PARTNERS SHE HAS HAD. I CAN TELL YOU THIS. ALL THOSE PARTNERS HAS CAUSED HER TO MISS OUT ON TRUE LOVE, AND NOW THAT SHE IS GETTING OLDER SHE IS THINKING ABOUT THOSE TIMES AND ASKING HERSELF "WHY". PLUS, TRYING TO GO BACK TO THE ONE SHE REALLY WANTED AND MESSE'D UP DUE TO HER KNOTCHES. ON TOP OF ALL THAT SHE FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAS "HPV" AND CAN'T EVEN TELL HERSELF WHO OR WHEN. SO YOU MAY SAY THAT ITS NOTHING, OH YEA IT IS!~

Jerry says:
Mon, 2nd Jul 20125:40 pm 

yes