Gossip Cheat Sheet: Can We Send Them All to Jail?

By Caitlin Corsetti

The lights, the celebs, the crazies – all reasons to love H-Wood. Even more reasons:

1. Lindsay’s finally locked up (for a few weeks anyway) and, hopefully, Mel Gibson will follow in the near future.
2. Secret weddings never get old (yeah, I’m talking to you, Orlando & Miranda)
3. There’s always a scandalous split going on.

Sigh. I wish I’d thought of the E! network before Larry Namer and Alan Mruvka did. I’d be making BANK.

But I digress. Let’s get back to the week that was. As usual, the fine folks in Hollywood provided us with endless entertainment that had nothing to do with their careers. Especially hoochie mama, Taylor Momsen. That girl is a hot mess and a half, but I’m loving every minute (and pound of eye liner).

Cray Cray

1. Melgate is getting worse every day. New reports are saying that Mel threw a chair through a glass door at Oksana and baby Lucia. Texts messages sent after Mel allegedly punched Oksana in the face have also been released. In them, Mel says he “was not safe” for her and apologized. There’s also been some rumors about extortion of some sort on Oksana’s part, but that’s being investigated. All this legal stuff we can’t really comment on. But hopefully, Oksana, baby Lucia, and her son won’t have to cross crazy Mel’s path anymore.

2. Lindsay Lohan went into jail this week! And guess what? She’s neighbors with Alexis Neiers, a member of the Bling Ring, who stole from LiLo! Awkward much? Lindsay is apparently having a really rough time in the slammer, but she’ll only be there for, like, 10 more days due to “overcrowding.” The other inmates are already fed up with the “special treatment” she’s getting. When she comes out of her cell, everyone else goes on lockdown! Oh Lindsay, you do jail in style.

3. In other Lohan news, Michael Lohan got arrested…again. This time for allegedly assaulting his fiance, Kate Major. She’s been granted a temporary restraining order against him, but Michael’s camp says Kate was really drunk during an argument they had and he never touched her. I don’t know what is going on with the Lohans, but they need to hop on a plane (after Lindsay gets out of jail, of course) and fly to a remote island and stay out of the spotlight. Please.

4. The Dream and Christina Milian split was revealed last week, but all the dirty deets are coming out. Turns out, The Dream filed for divorce nine days before Christina had their baby, Violet! Ouch. They did a good job keeping their split under wraps because when pics surfaced last week of him with some other chick, everyone went nuts since he was “cheating.” But The Dream is safe from infidelity and the two have been separated since February 17th. Sad. Christina is adorbs though; she can do better.

5. Jeremy London’s wife, Melissa Cunningham entered the hospital this week with a reported brain hemorrhage due to withdrawals after checking into rehab last week. Jeremy has also checked into VH1′s Celebrity Rehab. (Shocking that he’d try to use his problem to get famous again….) It’s good to see this pair getting help, especially after his “kidnapping” incident. Melissa was released from the hospital yesterday and is back in the treatment facility. Get better!

Happy Happy

1. Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom got married this week in a private ceremony. Details unknown. So stealthy, I like it. Not the marriage, though. I died a little inside knowing my Legolas fantasy is no more.

2. Get excited. Justin Bieber is coming to at TV near you! Biebs is set to play a troubled teen on an episode of CSI! You know what this means right? Bieber Fever is going to take over TV as we know it. It’s OK, any excuse to watch that little Canadian is fine by me!

3. Nicole Richie will be guest starring again on Chuck this season! EEK! She played a villain on the show two years ago and is back for more. Love.

4. Selena Gomez became legal this week! It’s nice to see a normal girl growing up in Hollywood without all the crazy. I’d like to be her friend. And share her wardrobe.

5. Inception is out. And that means one thing: Leo. Mmm, I love me some Leonardo DiCaprio.