Wanna Get Off The D-List? Come Out of the Closet!

Recently, in a bright exchange of words I like to call a meaningful conversation, my good friend and I pondered about various famous men we lusted after in middle school.  Once Ricky Martin and his taut cheeks came up in the mix, we drooled and pondered about how he also liked men with taut butt cheeks.  Then we really got to thinking and grew depressed at the disappointment of the day Lance Bass took a giant leap out of the closet (even though it wasn’t the most surprising news we’d ever received).

By Brittany

The bright side? I hadn’t thought of Ricky Martin since shaking my bon-bon in my parents’ basement at the respectable age of 13. His coming out lifting him from obscurity and catapulted him back to the level of his days sipping out of the Cup of Life. I was hearing about him virtually everywhere. Ricky Martin hid from fame for so long and with his news, came out of a closet and basked in US Weekly glory, paycheck after paycheck.

Coming out in Hollywood is like working overtime.  It’s the key to success for has-been A-listers, a chance to return to relevance and once again soak up the limelight.  Look at Lindsay Lohan for instance; she didn’t need her leggings line anymore once she started toting DJ Samantha Ron-Hizzle around.  And who needs the title of American Idol when you’re sporting eye liner and getting frisky with other dudes on stage like one Mr. Adam Lambert? And you know Lance Bass’s “I’m Gay” cover story took him from former boy-bander who no one remembered to insta-celebrity over night.

It’s true: going gay is the life jacket to Hollywood careers. It does what no publicist, Oscar nomination or incarceration could ever manage. It’s more powerful than a nipple slip, more potent than an ill-fitting stage ensemble, and more memorable than general douche-baggery. It’s the key to going from child-star-turned-Vegan-farmer to Reality TV Show host with endorsement deals and magazine covers to boot.

And keeping that in mind, I’m surprised Heidi Montag hasn’t gotten a girlfriend yet there are a few suspect D-Listers out there who might want to consider throwing open the doors of the closet they’ve been hiding in. We haven’t seen or heard much from these peeps in awhile, but that’s nothing that an “I’m Gay” won’t fix. You can thank us later, Hollywood.

Jonathon Taylor Thomas: Those frosted tips? That boyish smile? Don’t tell me you never thought about it. OK, so you probably didn’t want to think about his sexual orientation lest all your dreams of becoming Mrs. TT would be crushed, but it’s totally possible. And embracing it is just what JTT needs to make it big once again. Home boy hasn’t seen fame since 2005 (and it was in Veronica Mars, so that doesn’t even count), but saying those three words could take America’s favorite ’90s boy toy from total obscurity to the cover of every magazine once again.

Macaulay Culkin: The last time Macaulay Culkin received an MTV Movie Award (which is true celebredom, obvs) was in 1993.  He even received “Best Kiss” for My Girl in 1991.  Wanna get back to those child-star days, Mac? Come out in People Magazine and then follow it up with a super saucy My Girl spin-off for LOGOonline. Boom. Famous.

Tara Reid: I think I recently saw a shriveled up, pruney version of once-sex kitten Tara Reid on a gossip magazine a year ago. And she was wearing a belly chain. Her last seven flicks have gone straight to DVD and the last time she starred in a semi-good movie was back in the dark ages of 2003 with My Boss’s Daughter (and the movie was only good because Ashton Kutcher co-starred). Tara clearly hasn’t had much luck with the boys, so maybe it’s time she take a different path (Hey, it worked for Anne Heche, right?). My advice to you, Ms. Reid, is to find yourself a woman who can treat you right, then do an oh-so-sexy spread with the lucky lady in Curve Magazine. You’ll be raking in the dough in no time.

Joey Lawrence: Joey’s first mistake came from shaving off those thick tresses. Seriously, I thought he was hiding a secret up there and I loved it. His new bald head hasn’t done much worth noting since 2009′s movie-I’ve-never-heard of, Killer Pad. Lawrence has the classic washed up actor resume, starting with the early-’90s sitcom and ending with a stint on Dancing With The Stars in 2006.  Come on, Joey Lawrence; wake up and smell the glitz and glitter.  One quick gay dancing DVD (in full-on spandex) and a guest hosting gig on The View, and it you’ll never have to do another Lifetime movie again.