The Bachelorette: Craig R. Tells All (and the Other Guys Sit There)

Let someone else talk, lawyer!

Before the hurricane of tears that will be next week’s season finale of The Bachelorette, Monday night gave us one last chance to revisit some of our favorite men who sadly didn’t receive a rose from Ali.  While the only people we wanted to see some faces were strategically missing (ahem: Justin R., Frank, and Evil Craig M.), the ones that were present were all smiles and had nothing but sweet things to say about a certain blonde who gave them the boot.  I was expecting at least one of the guys to ask Ali a “hard” question when she finally came out to talk to them, but alas, it was still all sunshine and butterflies.

By Alexandra Gehringer

The lack of drama, however, didn’t mean there weren’t points where I found myself grimacing, lusting, and laughing with a mouthful of seltzer water (that really hurts, btw).  Here were my favorite moments of the evening:

Chris N. as the “Phantom”

So that explains why we never saw him!  I knew I wasn’t alone in asking, “Who the hell is that?” every time he came on screen this season.  The clips of him lurking in the steamy, luminescent water as Chris L. says in the background, “He’s totally in his natural habitat” were beyond amazing.  Looks like we found Nessie!

Weatherman referring to Ali as being “mystical”

Uh, Jonathan…she’s a girl, not a unicorn.

Jesse’s shaved head.

Hot damn!  I mean he was good looking before, but now…psh!  Long gone are the days of pick-up trucks and cow tipping.  We’re definitely not in Missouri anymore.

Yup, Kasey still wants to guard and protect Ali’s heart…

Okay, so Kasey’s still crazy.  The guys still think he’s crazy.  Even Chris Harrison still thinks he’s crazy.  But you know what?  Tonight, crazy as he may be, he kinda made sense about one thing.  I’m paraphrasing here, but basically Kasey said that even though he laid it on thick with all the singing and the love confessions, he’d rather Ali remember him as one of the “good guys” instead of one of the deadbeats who left her.  He said that despite not receiving a rose, he’s still glad that he got to be one of her positive memories.  Granted, “positive” is subjective, but the sentiment was nice.

…And yup, Kasey still sings.

He just had to squeeze one more song in there, didn’t he?  When will he realize that no one can even understand what he’s saying!  (Though that’s probably for the best…)

La Bacheloretta

Hola!  How much did you love when Craig R. was rattling off a little Espanol with Roberto?  And when Weatherman jumped in with some crazy Spanglish hybrid!  These are the moments they need to show during the season.  Amid all the crazy drama, it would be good to see the guys goof off from time to time.

Chris L. making people pee their beds.

From Day One I’ve loved Chris, and when he pulled some serious summer camp hijinks in a Turkish hotel, I just loved him all the more.  Don’t act like you’ve never put a sleeping person’s hand in a bucket of warm water.  It totally makes them pee!

The Bachelor Pad preview

You better believe I’ll be tuning in to watch the hot mess that is the Bachelor Pad.  Did you see that montage of nervous breakdowns, drunken hookups, and verbally abusive arguments!?  I swear I counted at least three hot tubs.  With the bar raised so high, there’s an Emmy in that show’s future for sure.

And now for the final rose!  Can you believe it, another season of The Bachelorette is about to come to a close.  I, for one, have no clue who Ali is going to pick next week or if the rumors are true- that she picks no one.  So who do you think it’s going to be, Roberto or Chris?

I’ll be back next Tuesday to discuss all the finale’s events; in the meantime leave your predictions below!

P.S. If she doesn’t choose Chris, he’s mine so BACK OFF.