Ask a Dude: Is He Shy or Not Into Me?
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (He dumped me - why won't he stop texting?!) over to email@example.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]
I have this co-worker that we have been close friends for about 3 years. We live in different areas and are in different offices for the same company. Anyway, about 6 months ago we started flirting and he said that he has always liked me and been attracted to me, stated that he was shy and that it was why he never said anything before. Two months ago we made out, once. After, we continued our friendship like nothing happened. He emails me almost daily and calls me regularly, but hasn’t made an effort to get together. I went to his office for work this last week and he made several comments about how good I smell and that I have beautiful shoulders. He never made a move though. I just need some insight; is he shy and is into me, or should I just forget about it and move on?
Sarah Lacking Insight
Dear Sarah Lacking Insight,
Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. They hook up and pretend it never happened? But she still likes him and he still likes her? Does this chain of events make any sense? This issue sounds like it has a deceptively simple solution, albeit one that does have some risks but also the promise of big rewards: YOU make a move on HIM.
In an earlier post (What Man Does To Woo The Woman, which you should totally check out to learn the inner workings of the male mind) I talked about how, even in this day of striving gender equality in all aspects of life, the guy still tends to have a certain expectation on him. The man is expected to take the initiative. Yes, this is a generalization and there are exceptions and I’m encouraging you to be exceptional this time. You’ve got a guy that clearly has feelings for you. He told you he did and told you why he hadn’t put himself out there before then. Then, you both acted on your feelings toward each other. The mystery to divulge is why things didn’t progress beyond that one magical night (doesn’t sound like he lost his soul and reverted to his vampiric demon form).
There could be a few possibilities here. For the chronically shy almost any action takes superhuman effort. Perhaps after that night of tonsil hockey he was spent and scared himself off of pursuing anything further. Maybe he chickened out and thought you’d reject him if he tried to get more serious. Could be that he’s not interested anymore (although the constant communications and compliments you’ve described doesn’t make it sound like that’s the case). Another possibility is that he was waiting for you to reciprocate in some way that he thinks you haven’t. This is all hypothetical. You’re the one in the trenches. I’m just giving you some cupcakes for thought. But again, if you love him so and you want to know, just ask him out (crap, did I just make a Cher movie reference? Oh wait, it had Bob Hoskins in it, so it’s not too bad. After all, a ‘toon killed his brother. That’s macho, right?).
Don’t stand on ceremony! You’ve got a will they/won’t they situation. You know what kept Chuck and Sarah apart for most of season 3 (not the first two seasons, there were national security reasons that validated their lustful longings)? Or Rachel and Ross for seemingly forever? Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of spurned feelings. Fear of being vulnerable. Before you have the clear-cut answer of move in or move on, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Unless you don’t think he’s worth the effort. I’m putting the ball in your court. Act and you’ll know for sure, one way or the other. Don’t act and face the possibility of regret but at least you won’t get hurt. Of course, you might not be happy either…
Promoting equal rights in and out of the office,
Carmichael, Dude Carmichael