Love|Updated:

Sexy Time: Porn Myths About Sex

We were talking about porn a couple weeks ago, and for some reason that article got me labeled as being a bit of a porn hater. To set the record straight – I dig porn, I watch porn, I think porn’s a good time. And more often than not, I think porn is hilarious.

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I know that porno movies are supposed to be sexy and get their viewers all horny, but I find if I’m not already in the mood at least a little, they just make me laugh. Seriously, have you ever actually listened to the dialogue they put in those movies?

While I realize some people are genuinely concerned that porn will skew younger generations’ views of sex, I’m not here to talk about that this week. I’m here to talk about the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in porn (not to be confused with the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in movies). The ones so completely off base that not even the most naïve pubescent boy would believe them. Well, maybe they would, but I hope they’re the only ones…

Porn: All delivery men/plumbers/electricians are ridiculously good looking, and you will end up having sex with them when they come to “deliver your package,” “unclog your pipes” or give you some “high voltage” lovin’.” Okay, so I don’t actually know a sexy term that can be made out of an electrician’s work, so I used a bit of an AC/DC reference instead. But you get the point.
Real life: Um, have you seen the guys that typically do those things in real life? I’m not hating on these people, but usually they’re hairy, old, and fat, with their cracks showing. Or at least the ones that always “service” my apartment. If they do happen to be good looking, they’re probably married. And I mean, if you sleep with your plumber, who are you going to call when the toilet gets clogged? Embarrassing…

Porn: High school teachers are all dead sexy, and you will inevitably have sex with them without consequence. On the desk. After the bell rings. And there will be an apple involved somehow.
Real life: High school teachers should be outside of the age range of who students find sexually attractive. But as that one teacher we all crushed on in school made us realize, that’s not always the case. The difference is that in the real world, if you have sex with them, they will go to jail.  And to the dismay of many-a horny teenager, 99% of teachers are smarter than to sleep with their students. Sorry.

Porn: Cheesy lines like, “I know you ordered a banana split, but we just ran out of bananas. Lucky for you I can give you something better” result in mid-restaurant boning without so much as a second thought. And yes, I actually saw a porno with that storyline once… so awful.
Real life: Restraining orders and disgusted looks. And never seeing a banana split the same way again.

Porn: Screaming, and a play-by-play yelled out between over-dramatic moans.
Real life: Thin walls, roommates (or worse, parents), and a bit more self-control… usually.

Porn: Penises are monstrous and women have absolutely no body hair, and really nice fake boobs that don’t move, no matter how much fun she’s having.
Real life: While sometimes these things can be true in real life, spend 15 minutes browsing an amateur porn site and you’ll get an idea of how people’s bodies typically look.

Porn: The people in porn always find themselves in really great places — the rain forest, space, a pirate ship, and of course, they’re having crazy hot sex in all of those places!
Real life: Bed, shower, floor, couch, car, repeat.

Porn: Smooth transitions into crazy Kama Sutra-like positions. Legs behind heads, handstands, you name it – they make it look easy in porn.
Real Life: Vince Vaughn said it best in Wedding Crashers: “Ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

    Related TopicsGuys Love orgasm porn Sex Sex Education
    Comments

    Comments

    1. Lucy says:

      Good point but I don't think ANYONE takes porn seriously enough to buy into the "myths".

    2. S says:

      Oh really? Why do you think the Brazilian is so popular?

    3. Lo says:

      LOL! So, so true. The folks banging on amateur porn sites may not look as perfect, but at least the sex is real, and definitely not in space or a pirate ship. Scripted porn is so brilliantly funny.

    4. melissa says:

      I think porn is ok if that's the kind of thing your into, but its kinda annoying when my boyfriend is always watching it….

    5. Jennie says:

      an ex-boyfriend of mine watched way too much porn. he genuinely thought that's how it was supposed to be.

    6. James says:

      I remember when the plumber came to my flat to put a new dunny in. He was young and good looking, not that I'm gay or anything (nervous laugh) but it got me thinking as I stood in the doorway, that I could easily have been some housewife… get that, houseWIFE… and that plumber could be me. It was at that point that I thought about a plumbing apprenticeship.

      While I wouldn't really want to bang other men's wives in particular, the single ones are a lure. If nothing else, my curiosity was piqued. Here he was, this Mr Fix It in his short sleeves and shorts, all muscled-up from the gym… how many women have been with him and how many taken women? Makes you think.

    7. Sex says:

      I am a wife who love sex, and cukold.

      Thanks for your post.

    8. James says:

      Why do you like cuckold? Is it the excitement of cheating or being with a stranger?

      So are you in Australia or can you afford to come here? Just asking.

    9. Anathema says:

      Seems like scripted porn is going the way of the dinosaur. Most of what I watch these days is basically just fucking, or the preludes thereto. I always assumed everyone just fast-forwarded past the boring bits, aka the "plot." You mean some folks actually watch it? Oh dear.

    10. Richard says:

      I find this article a bit silly. Movies are about fantasy. They employ unusual scenarios or extraordinary situations to tell a story. Porn is no different. Although, to be sure, the quality of the writing in porn is usually weak. But that holds true for most mainstream films, as well. If you're looking for realism, check out some documentaries.

    11. […] and potential life-long celibates (not by their choice), or even as far as being suggested by the wonderful fantasy world of porn (because, like, that’s so how it goes when you meet a pizza delivery boy and don’t have enough […]

    12. […] I fancy a good ole shag just as much as the next gal. What I am saying, though, is that thanks to soft core porn, (aka cable television), Megan Fox, and Cosmopolitan articles with titles like “Give Him the Best […]

    13. […] Speaking of porn… Ladies, let’s have some realistic expectations, shall we?  Like some sexy fireman would ever […]

    14. […] Speaking of porn… Ladies, let’s have some realistic expectations, shall we?  Like some sexy fireman would ever […]

    15. […] • Porn myths about sex […]

    16. […] • Porn myths about sex […]

    17. MR LICKITY says:

      LOL WHOEVER WROTE THIS IS A LOSER!! AHAHA NESS PERSONALLY I THINK U ARE WAY TO DUMB TO EVEN TRY TO WRITE SUCH THINGS, C'MON THEY ARE MADE TO BE MOVIES, FANTASIES, IF U TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY THEN STFU, JUST SHOWING US YOUR LAME STUPIDITY

    18. […] Speaking of porn… Ladies, let’s have some realistic expectations, shall we?  Like some sexy fireman would ever […]

    19. BrainDamage says:

      i agree with the writer most of those movies are FAKE!!!

    20. Carmon says:

      Nice post. I used to be checking constantly this weblog and

      I am inspired! Extremely useful info specially the remaining section :

      ) I handle such info much. I used to be looking for this particular information

      for a very lengthy time. Thanks and good luck.

      Feel free to visit my page: http://bigtitsweb.com/curvaceous-bella-trix-in-ti

    • You Might Like