Sexy Time: Porn Myths About Sex

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We were talking about porn a couple weeks ago, and for some reason that article got me labeled as being a bit of a porn hater. To set the record straight – I dig porn, I watch porn, I think porn’s a good time. And more often than not, I think porn is hilarious.

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I know that porno movies are supposed to be sexy and get their viewers all horny, but I find if I’m not already in the mood at least a little, they just make me laugh. Seriously, have you ever actually listened to the dialogue they put in those movies?

While I realize some people are genuinely concerned that porn will skew younger generations’ views of sex, I’m not here to talk about that this week. I’m here to talk about the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in porn (not to be confused with the ridiculous myths that are portrayed in movies). The ones so completely off base that not even the most naïve pubescent boy would believe them. Well, maybe they would, but I hope they’re the only ones…

Porn: All delivery men/plumbers/electricians are ridiculously good looking, and you will end up having sex with them when they come to “deliver your package,” “unclog your pipes” or give you some “high voltage” lovin’.” Okay, so I don’t actually know a sexy term that can be made out of an electrician’s work, so I used a bit of an AC/DC reference instead. But you get the point.
Real life: Um, have you seen the guys that typically do those things in real life? I’m not hating on these people, but usually they’re hairy, old, and fat, with their cracks showing. Or at least the ones that always “service” my apartment. If they do happen to be good looking, they’re probably married. And I mean, if you sleep with your plumber, who are you going to call when the toilet gets clogged? Embarrassing…

Porn: High school teachers are all dead sexy, and you will inevitably have sex with them without consequence. On the desk. After the bell rings. And there will be an apple involved somehow.
Real life: High school teachers should be outside of the age range of who students find sexually attractive. But as that one teacher we all crushed on in school made us realize, that’s not always the case. The difference is that in the real world, if you have sex with them, they will go to jail.  And to the dismay of many-a horny teenager, 99% of teachers are smarter than to sleep with their students. Sorry.

Porn: Cheesy lines like, “I know you ordered a banana split, but we just ran out of bananas. Lucky for you I can give you something better” result in mid-restaurant boning without so much as a second thought. And yes, I actually saw a porno with that storyline once… so awful.
Real life: Restraining orders and disgusted looks. And never seeing a banana split the same way again.

Porn: Screaming, and a play-by-play yelled out between over-dramatic moans.
Real life: Thin walls, roommates (or worse, parents), and a bit more self-control… usually.

Porn: Penises are monstrous and women have absolutely no body hair, and really nice fake boobs that don’t move, no matter how much fun she’s having.
Real life: While sometimes these things can be true in real life, spend 15 minutes browsing an amateur porn site and you’ll get an idea of how people’s bodies typically look.

Porn: The people in porn always find themselves in really great places — the rain forest, space, a pirate ship, and of course, they’re having crazy hot sex in all of those places!
Real life: Bed, shower, floor, couch, car, repeat.

Porn: Smooth transitions into crazy Kama Sutra-like positions. Legs behind heads, handstands, you name it – they make it look easy in porn.
Real Life: Vince Vaughn said it best in Wedding Crashers: “Ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

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