Guess who decided to up and pull a diva move?  No, Mariah Carey isn’t castrating an intern for bringing her flat water instead of sparking (though, probably she is).  It’s those darn Jersey Shore kids!  Rumor has it that before the second season has even premiered, they’re fighting for salary raises, refusing to do a third season unless their demands are met.  That name brand hair gel must really cost a lot.

Well you know what?  I don’t think MTV should give in to the whims of these petulant guidos and guidettes.  I mean, why are they even famous in the first place?  It’s time to get the real stars “down the shore”.  Bring in the spray tan guns, I’ve got some replacements!

Pam Anderson as JWOWW

This would work for two really big reasons.  No, not those reasons.  First, both Pam and J are tough as nails.  Would you want to run into either of them in a dark alley or under the boardwalk?  These biatches would grab you by the extensions like your head was the last sparkle tee at a Bebe sale.  Second, I’m pretty sure they’re the only two women on the planet who think they’d make good fashion designers.  Yes, Pammy and Ms.Woww both have clothing lines.

Brody Jenner as Vinny

“Ma, my chicken parm needs cuttin’!  And bring me a little more ziti!”  Switching from one mama’s boy to another, Brody wouldn’t skip a beat subbing in for Vinny.  They’re both funny, charismatic, and popular with the ladies.  Plus, maybe it’s just me, but I think the Bro is a significant visual upgrade.

Foxy Cleopatra as Snooki

Yes, that’s right.  Nicole Richie’s beloved Pomeranian, Foxy Cleopatra, would make the absolute perfect Snooki replacement.  Not only could MTV get her in on a lower pay grade, but I bet she’d be loyal as a dog to the show.  It would be remiss to hire someone who wasn’t equally as orange-tinted and poof-y as the original star.

Lou Ferrigno as Ronnie

They’re both huge.  The similarities really stop there, but there’s not much else to work with.

Danielle Staub as Angelina

Okay, tell me Danielle wouldn’t give her left boob implant to be a twenty-something again living it up down the shore with an entourage of juiceheads.  And Angelina, who goes by “Jolie”, lives in an alternate reality, much like the most-loathed Housewife of NJ.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re the same home-wrecking, fame-whoring person.

Kristen Stewart as Sammi

Aww, but Sammi’s just a sweetheart, right?  Wrong!  She’s a mean, unsmiling little brat just like K-Stew.  The only time you’ll notice the switch is when Kristen’s on the beach slathered in SPF 150 hiding under an umbrella in long sleeves.  Don’t want to lose that deathly pallor.

Doug Reinhardt as Mike “The Situation”

They both really, really like themselves.  Seriously, why else would they each need their own “official” website?  Ooh, look: Doug describes himself as an “athlete and entrepreneur” while the Situation prefers to operate as someone who “knows what he wants from his summer at the Jersey Shore and is not going to let anything stop him from getting it”.  Well now!

Samantha Ronson as Pauly D

They both have mad DJing skills and horrific hair.  Not to mention the ladies love ‘em!

The new season of Teen Mom premiers tonight at 10 PM on MTV and this CollegeCandy intern couldn’t be more excited. Not only do we get to find out if Amber’s havin’ another baby, but I had the chance to chat with everyone’s favorite mama, Maci. She filled me in on how her life has changed since she moved from Chattanooga, Bentley started talking up a storm, and even gave the CollegeCandy readers some invaluable dating advice. Oh, and she’s got a new man (who seems like a much better fit than her ex-fiance, Ryan). Yay, Maci!

Our convo is below, but if you want the really juicy deetz, you’ll just have to tune in tonight and find out for yourself!

CC: So, season 2! So exciting! What are you looking forward to most this season?

Maci: Honestly, to just kind of see and backtrack. After watching the first two seasons and reliving it I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve seen how I can do better… things that I’ve done wrong and things that I’ve done right. I’m interested in seeing what the other girls are up to because we don’t get to talk as much as normal friends! I want to see what’s going on in their lives too.

Do you guys keep in touch outside of the show or just at things like the reunion episodes?

No, I do talk to the girls on, like, a regular basis. A couple of times a month we check in with each other and see how things are going.

Which Teen Mom are you closest with?

Caitlin, probably.

How is your life different now that you’ve been a mom for over a year?

Oh my god, so different. Bentley’s big now so we can go play. Go to different parks and stuff. When he was little he really didn’t do anything but sleep but it’s been crazy. There’s something new every day. Read More »

Life lesson #43298: What you think you should do is sometimes completely different than what you want to do – If only I could jump back to last summer to tell myself!

For what seems like forever, I have told everyone from friends, random people at parties, teachers, and family members that upon graduating undergrad, I would head off to graduate school to a M.A. or Ph.D. program in English literature. In fact, during my first year of college while my classmates were mostly concerned with figuring out their major requirements, I obsessed over taking the right classes designed for graduate school track students, finding the right internships, and doing everything the right way towards getting to graduate school – ruling everything out that did not fit in the perfect English grad school box I put myself in.

As you can imagine, it’s a rather rude awakening when everything doesn’t fall into place like you planned for it to.  Looking back, the moment I realized that my plans were not something I really 100% wanted to do anymore was during a conference meeting with my thesis advisor. She asked me why I wanted to attend graduate school. I was silent. I had no answer. I sputtered off some generic – the “I’d like to advance my studies in literature” excuse. But it felt so fake, so fabricated, and hearing myself say it bothered me. I didn’t like the way it rolled off the tip of my tongue. I didn’t like the way it made me feel about where I wanted to go in my future.

There is a huge problem when you don’t really have an answer as to why you are doing something major like applying to graduate programs, and this started the downward spiral of my graduate school plans. Another red flag was my honors thesis project. Like many seniors, I was completing a sixty-page thesis project (I was working in the area of girls’ fiction in children’s literature). I picked the topic myself, but not even a month or two into the project, I hated it. I wanted nothing to do with what I was writing and saying and researching. There I was working on something very similar to what I would be doing in graduate school, completely unhappy. Not good, right? Read More »

Question for La Tuff? Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to be featured in this column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

The last two years have been a whirlwind for me. I was really overweight pretty much all throughout high school and was really shy/awkward towards anyone who I didn’t know very well. A year after I graduated high school, I decided to start losing weight and since then have lost nearly sixty pounds. I still have a little weight to lose, but this new body of mine has definitely caused me to feel more comfortable with myself, and the male attention has increased drastically. I didn’t date in high school because I felt so bad about how I looked, and only until this year did I start going on dates. Since then, I have dabbled in oral sex with a few different men I knew casually but I never get off from receiving it. Actually, it has never felt good receiving, but I still continue to do it in hopes of that changing. I never went all the way with any of these guys, partly because I am not still not 100% okay with how I look yet and I would silently freak out and back off. I am turning 20 in August and did not want to be a virgin when my teen years came to an end.

So, after not being able to go through it with any of the men I had gone down on, I decided to take action and find a random guy I would never have to see again on Craigslist. Well, I found the right man, we talked for about a week, and we met up, hung out and had sex. That’s where the next part, and my problem, comes in. It didn’t hurt at all, but it didn’t feel good either. I could feel him but there was no pleasure. I saw him again a few days later and nothing, even though I’m highly attracted to him not just physically but I felt mentally as well from what I did know about him. I even suggested he take off the condom the second time we were together thinking maybe that was the problem, but nothing! That was nearly six weeks ago, and I have since slept with two other guys who have approached me and it is the same thing. I am attracted to them and I like going down on them, but I have yet to receive any pleasure when it comes to receiving oral and intercourse. I feel hopeless. I was not expecting fireworks or anything, but no pleasure from any of these encounters is leaving me frustrated and insecure. Is there something wrong with me? I finally have had sex and it is such a major let down.

Can’t Enjoy Sex Read More »

What's he thinking about? His friend's girlfriend, apparently.

Okay, so Cosmo recently paired up with AskMen.com and conducted the survey to end all surveys.  That’s right, they asked the questions you’ve always wanted answered, but were too embarrassed/afraid/clueless to ask.  Ladies, this is your chance to delve into the dark and twisted male psyche…and the results may shock you.  Like, for instance, how nearly 70% of men have fantasized about a friend of their girlfriend or wife.  Or how 48% said they’d dump their girlfriends if she got fat.

Hmmm…maybe now you’ll reconsider dragging the BF along to your Jane Austen book club.  But don’t pass on the spinach dip.  You know that stuff is totally worth losing a guy for.  Yum!

[Ladies, meet Meredith, the newest addition to the CollegeCandy team. She's a BU student, a movie buff, and an all around fantastic chicadee. She'll be our resident movie gal, givings us the ins and outs of the new releases and now-on-DVDs and telling us whether or not its worth it to add 'em to our NetFlix queue.]

The Runaways (available today, July 20th, on DVD) follows the path of the band, The Runaways, also known as the first all-girl rock band. The one that wanted to rock like the boys. We watch it all happen. At the beginning, Cherie Currie is some random semi-rebellious tenth grade student in the ’70s, lip-syncing to David Bowie and chopping her hair off. At the same time, Joan Jett is being patronized at guitar lessons; she wants to learn rock songs, but apparently girls don’t play electric guitar. All of a sudden, Joan walks up to one of the most important men in the music industry, Kim Fowley, and tells him that she plays guitar. He hooks her up with a girl drummer and sends them on their way. While watching them practice, though, Fowley decides that the group needs some sex appeal. This is where Currie comes in. She’s sitting in a club when he comes up to her and says, “I like you’re look.” He walks away mouthing, “Jail. F**king. Bait.” Just the sex appeal that his band needed.

Crazy right? Tenth graders are 16.
But, uh, Miley Cyrus is 17. Read More »

The minute, and I mean the minute, I spotted Britney Spear’s discolored blond extensions on the cover of Cosmopolitan this month, I grasped the magazine tightly in my fingertips, sighed extravagantly and hugged my copy. This means I get to read one of those famous Cosmo Quizzes filled out by B. Spears!

Which is so rad.

Except, is it just me or is Miss Spears just not the same as she used to be? She’s like the girl in high school who got pregnant after graduation and you saw her at your high school reunion wearing Candies. Oh, wait (hehe).  It’s OK Brit Brit; at least you didn’t scribble down “Beating Cars With Umbrellas” as an answer for “I Feel Most Powerful When…”

Anyway, after dissecting every word from Britney’s personally written interview, I moved on.  I predictably and shamelessly scanned the waxy pages of Cosmo and came across some of those “classic” [i.e. New Sex Survey!] Cosmo articles.  Amongst the extensive sex advice lived an incredibly pointless list of “Straight-to-DVD Movies We’d Like to See” in which Cosmo completely created a list of ‘fake’ movies  [i.e. a movie called; Vice Versa which features George Clooney and Justin Bieber]. This movie allows the two to switch bodies so it would be less creepy for grown women to sweat over Justin Bieber. One question, Cosmo: What grown women are actually breaking a hot sweat over J-Beebs?

Another one of my favorite articles was an entire spread dedicated to analyzing John Mayer’s G-Spot Geometry.  Need I go any further? For the sake of your well-being and mine, probs not.  But I will share another article with you, because I think it is so LOL-worthy.  It’s called, “Feel Sexier Instantly: 50 Quick Tricks.” Great, a list! All the better and easier to poke fun, my dear! Read More »

Whoa. The Jersey Shore kids might be getting a mega raise.

Another Lohan lawyer jumps ship.

5 things men REALLY think about sex.

Adam Brody has a message for Kristen Stewart.

Rejoice! Low-heeled boots are in!

Well that’s…..weird.

Come. On.  Come on!  Did I miss the memo?  Was last night’s Bachelorette episode actually Frank’s screen test for a new Nicholas Sparks film?  One more silent tear and I would have been begging for mercy.  That entire subplot was – am I allowed to say it? – so freakin’ fake.  I’m insulted Chris Harrison would try and pass that off as reality.  Shame on you!

It’s no secret that I’ve been under-whelmed by the general action (or lack thereof) this season.  And we all know Ali’s selection of guys was sub-par.  But seriously, ABC did not need to insinuate that the Frank the Keebler Elf was dipping his cookies in someone else’s milk.  The incident with Justin R. was enough faux drama to tide us over until The Bachelor Pad premiers (which, BTDubs, looks horrifically fabulous).  I just don’t get it.  Was I the only one who didn’t buy this twisted Tahitian love triangle?

With so many low points to Monday’s episode, I feel it’s important to address some of the bits worth actually tuning in for… Read More »

Taylor Momsen’s losing fans by the minute. But she’s still got one.

What does Mel Gibson want now?

Can you detect a liar based on their sunglasses?

Maybelline claims their new mascara is better than falsies. Is it true?

Lane Bryant’s junior plus line could use a little work.

New couple alert: January Jones and Jason Sudeikis? How cute!