Ask a Dude: What’s With the 180?

By The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Is he shy or just not that into me?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dude.

I need you. I’ve spent the past 4 days staring at my phone, waiting for this boy I like to call. And he has not.

I met a really great guy and we hit it off immediately and talked for hours. He Facebooked me the next day and we talked online and he asked if I wanted to get together over the following weekend. Later in the week he IMed me again just to say hi and check in. I reached out to him the next day to do the same and he never brought up our weekend plans. The weekend comes and NOTHING. No calls, no IMs. I texted him on Saturday to see if we would be meeting up and he didn’t respond. Against my better judgment, I IMed him on Sunday morning to see if he would say anything and he was really cold to me and brushed me off.

WTF, dude? How did it go from so good to so bad so fast? I don’t want to be that girl who is all “woe is me, something is wrong with me,” but I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong here? I know the guy owes me nothing after hanging out once, but why make the plans if he wasn’t into it?

–ConfusedCandy

Dear Confused Candy,

First: PUT THE PHONE DOWN!

Second: Sit. Break out a Ben & Jerry’s hand packed pint. Breathe. Put on some Chuck season 2 in the background.

Better? Good!

Why didn’t he call? We can come up with a hundred different theories. Maybe he was chased out of the country because he used the word “bomb” in an airport. Perhaps he met someone else. His father died. He died! Trampled to death by tweens racing to stalk Justin Bieber at a Starbucks across the street (I can’t wait until his career sinks with his testes). Here’s my question to you: are any of those life possibilities something you have power over?

We’ve got to break this down to a simple fact of life: some things are out of your control. You can do everything right and it still might not work out. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. In fact, it might not have anything to do you. You can’t make someone keep their commitment and you shouldn’t waste your time trying to.

An answer might help you move on or it might not. Usually we have to give ourselves the closure we need. Follow John Wayne’s example and get back on the horse. If he’s meant to call then he’ll call. Best thing you can do right now is forget about him and meet someone else. There will be other guys. There will be other guys who will actually call when they say they will. Those guys are worth your energy and overanalyzing; this one still has to prove himself. I know you were excited and he led you on that something could happen. Disappointment sucks but is inevitable. It’s a dick move on his part but you couldn’t control what he was or wasn’t going to do.

Most likely, he lost interest. We all have those great encounters with people. Interest is sparked, excitement spikes, and fantasies of sizzling shrimp after sport f*©king bubble in the brain. Then you wake up sober and the fire is burned out. The world didn’t enter another dimension and the memory of last night hasn’t been erased. The moment’s passed and no amount of trying to recapture the anticipation works. Has that ever happened to you with a guy you gave your number to? The fact of the matter is you’ll probably never know what happened to him. All you can be sure of is that it probably wasn’t something you did. I mean, you weren’t doing drive-bys at his apartment or leaving him fifty messages a day. Right? Stop blaming yourself. Stop making his actions your responsibility.

We all want a “why” and we’d like it to revolve around something we can have an impact on. But we live in the real world. Control’s a comforting illusion, like an imaginary friend some people will never grow up from. Think of this boy as a lovely evening, nothing more, nothing less. Call a friend, make some plans, and when they meet you where/when they say they will, give them a hug and realize they’re evidence of the kind of people worth your worrying over.

Call me,
The Dude