RIP, Snooki

Nicole Polizzi.  Get used to saying that name because, saddest news of the weekend, “Snooki” just might be dead and gone.  That’s right.  After having one drink too many (and during the day, no less), our littlest Jersey Shore-er was arrested for disorderly conduct.  Now don’t get your poof all deflated, she’s been released from the drunk tank.  I know, big exhale, there will be a season three.

By Alexandra Gehringer

There is some bad news, however.  Snooks decided she wants to change her ways.  After feeling her family’s humiliation by her poor behavior, she’s made some rules for herself.  No more day drinking, no more bingeing at night.  We’re dealing with a newly reformed woman.

My emotions are torn because on one hand, I’m sad that Snooki’s dad was all disappointed in her since deep down he knows she’s just a good Italian girl caught up in the limelight.  But on the other I’m super sad that this could perhaps be the end of a certain orange, teased, stumbling mini-mess I’ve come to love.

Seriously, how will this new change of heart affect The Greatest Show of Our Time?  Will Snooki Nicole play the role of DD while all her cohorts get schwasted in the pulsating glow of the strobe light?  Will she be in bed by 8:00 and get up with the sun for a morning jog down the boardwalk before enjoying a protein shake and Luna Bar?  Will she become healthier than me?

Not since the untimely death of Michael Jackson has a generation lost such an influential cultural icon. Snooki was a beacon of fist-pumping hope, a poof that inspired us to explore new heights.  In the wake of such a tragedy, I encourage you all to start your morning with a shot of Jäger and a Muscle Milk chaser.  Use a little extra hairspray and be sure to get your nails done.

Today we’re all from New Jersey.