In Defense of Bros
[A few weeks ago, one CollegeCandy writer wrote a rather scathing post on why girls should never, under any circumstances, not even if he was the last guy on earth, date a bro. Today, I write my rebuttal. This one goes out to you, Middle School Debate Coach.]
Yes, I know. This already seems like I’m going to be writing an article pleading with chicks to “give bros a chance, YOU DON’T KNOW THEM LIKE I DO!” etc and so forth. Or that I am a bro in disguise, infiltrating a website for the ladies to spread my bro-paganda. But I’m not either of those things. It’s true, bros are some of the most infuriating people on the planet. It would appear that they have no depth, and that their perceptions of institutions like “relationships” and “hygiene” seem sometimes skewed in a very unappealing direction. BUT! I am here to tell you, this is not the case.
The past article about why girls should never dates bros brings up some compelling points, but I don’t think my fellow CollegeCandy writer knows the same “bros” that I do. Look, bros are human beings, too. I’m not saying they don’t get carried away sometimes most of the time, but I am saying that if dealing with a TRUE bro (not the CollegeHumor caricature of a popped-collar, beer-swilling, hoodie-wearing buffoon), the “issues” she outlined don’t apply. I grew up around self-proclaimed bros in one of the preppiest towns in America. (We’re so preppy we were featured in the “tea-partay” video.) The boys that were my best friends and guys that I dated were total bros in every sense of the word, and I would even go so far as to call my dad a former “bro.” Even now, years later, they are still my boys and always have my back, no matter what.
Are they immature? Of course they are.
Do we disagree on almost everything? Pretty much.
But, to be fair, almost every guy I know is immature and is going to think what he wants, be he a “bro,” “hipster,” or any other male variety.
The truth is, there’s a lot going for a bro and here are just five of their finest qualities:
Despite the hype, they actually know how to treat women:
At first, this recent BroBible article just looks like fight between 2 douchey bros who puff up their chests and act all macho when they’ve had too much Jager to impress the ladies inside the bar. The reality, though, is that Bro #1 went after Bro #2 for hitting a woman in the bar. Yes, the guy hit. a. woman. The author of the article harshly condemns the “pathetic, woman-beating, candy ass,” stating: “No matter the situation, there’s nothing more despicable and chicken sh*t cowardly than hitting a woman. Nothing.”
I actually love their hair:
You can ask any of my friends: I am a sucker for the flow. A true bro rocks the flow, or as Branford Wintsworth called it, the lettuce. By flow, I do not mean that Justin Bieber nonsense. I’m talking just-long-enough-to-peek-out-from-under-the-lax-helmet/baseball-cap hair. Om nom nom.
They have astonishingly good taste in music:
I must say, props to BroBible’s music section, most especially their “Download of the Day” bits. Those playlists are consistently bangin’ and they are responsible for giving a lot of great up-and-coming artists the credit they deserve. (Even Sam Adams, who y’all know I have a massive crush on, is acknowledged, despite the ongoing debate as to whether or not he is authentically “bro.”) Even Fratmusic.com (currently on hiatus) is an unbelievable source for party playlists… and also started by bros.
They are hilarious:
Con Bro Chill, also known as Connor Martin, is hysterical (not to mention foiiiiiine, as my good friend Mary Ellen would say). Empirically, he has a ridiculous body, which he shows off in all of his videos. He also LOVES HIS GRANDMA!! She appears in pretty much all of his clips, and is absolutely mind-blowingly adorable. He calls the character of Con Bro Chill about “50% him,” so even he is able to laugh at how ridiculous the facade is.
As stated before, Con Bro Chill’s body is bangin’. As are the bodies of most serious college athletes, many of whom are bros. And they don’t get that ripped from simply cracking brewskis on the porch. Sports instill in a guy a sense of discipline, especially at the college level. From early morning weights to late night practices under the lights, guys who are serious about a sport are sure to be serious about other things, too.
I’m not saying all bros are perfect or even remotely close to perfect. What I am saying, though, is that there are a lot of great bros out there and we shouldn’t let the few misogynistic, self-involved asshats spoil a great crop of boys.