I Am Who I Am, No Matter How Hard I Try to Change It

August 15, 2010 4:00 pm     Posted in Reality, Relationships  Alex - Florida Atlantic University g+ page

I’ve always been seen as the girl-next-door, the little sister, and much to my dislike, the mom-figure.  I can deal with the girl next door or little sister stereotype because most times it works to my advantage. But I have to draw the line as being seen as the mom-figure. Here’s an embarrassing tidbit: at my sorority award ceremony I was voted “Most likely to be the Best Mom.” I was speechless; after all this time with these girls, all those memories, that’s how they see me?!  I do care a lot about my friends and make sure that their needs are met before mine, but there is no way I want people to look at me as the old lady mama. OK, so maybe they meant it in a good way; they see that I’m caring and considerate of other’s feelings and needs and I do make pretty good chocolate chip cookies. But come on!


By Alex

In addition to being seen as a great potential mother, I’ve held the girl next door stereotype for as long as I can remember. Mothers loved me and wanted their sons to date me, but to them I was “one of the boys” or their “little sister.”  No guy wants to date their little sister. (My love life has been plagued by numerous by Kristin/ Brody relationships,minus the FWB.) No, instead of dating they would rather torment, tease and give occasional noogies to me. I guess you could say that after 10 years of this “sibling love” I was used to it.  Hey, at least I know that I have a group of great friends behind me who would back me up.  No one wants to see their little sister get hurt, am I right?

Sure being the girl-next-door has its upsides, but the downsides that come with the stereotype can be frustrating.  I’m seen as purely innocent—I can do no evil.  I couldn’t possibly have a mean bone in my body and I most definitely would never get in trouble. Basically, I’m boring. So once I got to college and met a fresh batch of people, I wanted nothing more then to shed that image.

I tried to be rebellious, to party, to live on the edge…. but I just felt silly. I’m not that carefree girl who’s free-spirited, I’m a perfectionist who feeds on the approval of others.  I wanted to let my hair down, be someone different for a night, but the more I tried, the more I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself.  And all those attempts to shed my stereotype weren’t noticed anyway, except for maybe a few nights, but everyone – even the nice girl – is entitled to a few wild nights in college.

So I was back to square one: the girl next door.

I felt stuck – stuck with my image, stuck with myself – and it was frustrating.  But after some serious soul searching, I woke up one day (hungover from another “attempt” at being the bad girl) and realized I am who I am.  I’m the girl next door. I can’t shed that image because if I did I would be denying who I truly am.  People like me for me, not for who I think they want me to be.  Finding that out took a lot of self-exploration, self-questioning and really ridiculous nights out that ended badly, but I came out of that state discovering a part of who I am.  My life is just beginning and I’m still finding myself, so I’m going to take it one step at a time as the girl next door.

Because that’s who I am. And because my chocolate chip cookies are too good to give up.

14 Comments on "I Am Who I Am, No Matter How Hard I Try to Change It"

  1. Kar says:
    Sun, 15th Aug 20101:13 pm 

    Now this was a nice article. This is what I read College Candy for. :)

    I'm not sure of what type of character I seem to be (probably the nerd – cool nerd of course), but during my freshman year I decided to go out and try some of the "college" stuff. My roommates were pretty big partiers and I tagged along with them to a kegger and some clubs. What did I learn? I learned that that scene just doesn't mesh with me. I don't look down on party-goers or think less of them, but through this experience I became comfortable with my homebody-self.

  2. Tara says:
    Sun, 15th Aug 20102:18 pm 

    This was such a great article. I went through the same kind of thing my first semester at college.

  3. The Raisin Girl says:
    Sun, 15th Aug 20107:08 pm 

    Honestly, I wish the "girl next door" stereotype would just die already. Because I've always been seen as the girl next door, and you wouldn't believe the chagrin, surprise, disappointment, and even disdain I've been met with if I ever tried to step out of that box and try something new. It's like no matter what I do, I'm defined by the traits considered acceptable for this one label and anything outside of that is me not being myself, trying to get attention, etc. So I think it's great to embrace who you are, but I can't condone resigning to just be the stereotype that's been applied to you. I know that's not what you're saying, but on the surface it kinda sounds like it.

  4. RK says:
    Mon, 16th Aug 20107:20 am 

    To happily say, being the girl-next-door has gotten me where I am today.

    However, just like the author, I once was getting tired of the whole goody two shoes things cause it seemed as if my friends back then saw me as boring and not the crazy outgoing person. By all means,I loved going out and meeting new people, but had a different interpretation of fun. It got to the point where I wouldn't be invited to those night outs, and would have to find out by them talking about it when we would chill. I questioned myself heavily, but by no means, did I ever want to change myself to be accepted. It just meant that I needed to find a new group of friends that were more on the same page as me.

    Entering college, I did find those friends where we had a great time going out, but also really enjoying being homebodies. Just as with boys, I was reluctant on changing myself for them. My outlook was "Hey, if they don't like or understand me for being me, that's cool cause I'm not dying without them". In my second year, that's when I rekindled a friendship with an old-crush that I met thru friends when I was a junior in HS, and he was a soph in college. Tired of the girls he had met in college and parties, he just wanted to be with a girl-next-door. Flash forward almost two years later, he may have just permanently landed himself one =)

    Point of ridic long story, lol, is that the kind of person you are, is the kind of people you will attract. Cliche' as it may be, STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF.

  5. M says:
    Mon, 16th Aug 20108:23 am 

    I love this post. I honestly think that stereotyping yourself kind of sells you short. I mean other people will label you all kind of things, are you sure you want to do that to yourself?

  6. C says:
    Mon, 16th Aug 201010:36 am 

    I can relate so much to this post because many of my friends at home and school think I come off as a "mom" or "cute" or "wholesome". It drives me nuts sometimes because I know that my compassionate and caring qualities come off as protective or "mom-like". I think if you wanna shed some of the good girl qualities then stop caring a little bit, it doesn't hurt i promise.

    The "girl next door" image sometimes feels like a front I put up or a shell. When people really get to know me personally and get through my sweet exterior, they realize I'm outgoing, quirky, fun, knowledgable, and unique. I am a very concientious person and once people get to know more about my life then it clicks with them that its the way I am. It's certainly nothing negative because it will only get me farther in my life. There are many layers to myself so when people do say I come off as "wholesome&cute" I know its just the outside they are talking about because there is a heck of alot to me then my manners!

    You don't have to put yourself into a mold or sterotype to define yourself. You don't have to spend every weekend at college getting wasted or doing "bad girl" stuff. Have fun and stop worrying about what others think of you. Do what you like to do and find other friends who enjoy hanging out in the dorm.

  7. Leah says:
    Wed, 18th Aug 201012:10 pm 

    I love this article and it's why i come on College Candy in the first place.

    I'll be starting my freshman year at a small school in a week and I'm psyched, but i was worried about were i would fit in. All college seems to be (or all people claim it is) is one long drinking party with a few small study sessions in the middle. I'm seen as the 'girl next door' too–quiet, calm, nice, creative, and (at least to myself) boring. But me and my friends have managed to have fun for four whole years of high school without a drop of alcohol so I'm determined to do so when i get to college too. I already know if i try and do the typical college thing I'll feel like I'm lying to myself so I'm not even going to try and change. Maybe get out of my shell a bit, but nothing drastic.

    And on the topic of boys that RK posted i agree completely with her– if a guy doesn't like my natural personality then it's his loss cause I'm not going to change myself just for him.

    So basically do whatever it is you find fun girls, even if that's hanging out in your dorm watching TV on the weekends.

  8. M. Car says:
    Wed, 18th Aug 20106:02 pm 

    Love this article, and I can really relate to it. Because of the way people treated me and referred to me in high school, I always saw myself as your typical shy, wallflower quiet girl. Going off to university and making friends who allowed me to be more than that was a really great experience. I was so flattered the day one of my freshmen got really confused when I described myself the way my friends back home (and eventually, me) saw myself. Going away to gave me the chance to be the person I always was inside instead of what other people saw me as.

    It sucks coming back home for four months, though, and have people treat you as the person they want you to be/think you should be rather than the person you are. It's stifling and over time, fosters a lot of (self-)resentment. It's really hard to stick to who you think you are when the people around you treat you as something else for a long time. But reading this article made me really appreciate the friends I found at university and helped jolt me out of a pretty bad mindset.

  9. misnomer says:
    Thu, 19th Aug 201011:42 am 

    I always get teased for being so smart. If I don't do well on a test people will stay stuff like, "But how could you have trouble with it? I'm screwed." I never know how to respond to that. I've tried to change who I am, but its never as easy as it looks.

    PS my sisters gave me a similar award: most likely to have the perfect family.

    http://studentswhostillhavesouls.blogspot.com

  10. Renee says:
    Sat, 21st Aug 201012:05 pm 

    This article was the only one to come about on subjects like this. Other than that, most of the articles make it seem as if one-night stands and non-stop drinking and partying are the "norms" that all college students have easily adjusted to.

    Thanks for this article =)

  11. Speedy pixie says:
    Sat, 21st Aug 201011:02 pm 

    Actually i disagree with @The raisin girl.. we need more of those GIRL NEXT DOOR type, seriously… i mean with the influence of D-list celebs and the world being what it is today, next door girls are one in a million :) Of course every stereotype has criticial errors in trying to “define” a person but overall, to me, a girl next door is a nice, friendly, compassionate chic who is NOT boring but just knows she isnt selling herself short or trying to live up to anyone’s idea of COOL.

  12. Angel says:
    Mon, 23rd Aug 20105:11 pm 

    I have had the exact opposite problem addressed in this article (well, maybe not an opposite problem, but opposite stereotype). Before college I was always seen as the tough, wild girl that was always in trouble and would kick someone's arse if they looked at me wrong. Frankly, I'm a take-no-bs kind of person, but I'm not as scary or party-driven as everyone seemed to think. Sure, I enjoy my nights out on the town, but my education comes first. I've got a 4.0 GPA and the majority of my (non-school) acquaintances wouldn't believe it based on their limited perception of me.

    Strangely enough, I've been criticized by some people because I'm not going out anymore (I'm taking late afternoon/night classes). I'm missing my town's weekly quarter beer night and don't make it out every weekend anymore and apparently that's just not acceptable. lol.

    I've just come to learn that there's no way to change some people's minds about me, even if I do change my behavior. All I can do is act the way I feel, and be real. If some people find that a little scary, hey, it's not always bad to be a little intimidating.

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