Girls, Let’s Stop With the Crazy

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She’s been helping people find love for years so we thought we’d tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

OK ladies, we need to have a little tough love talk today. I hate to say it but sometimes I am a little confused by my own gender. As a coach I try to remain really neutral. I truly have met some amazing single men and women who make me want to be a better person. But the stories I have been hearing lately! Yikes.

A few times I have been out with my friend G and all of a sudden his Blackberry will light up. He will look at it and then shake his head. Once again, it is a woman who had a conversation with ONE evening and now she texts him 2 or 3 nights a week. Numerous times, while I have been in his presence, asking him to grab a drink. He has never said yes, he has never led her on or to believe that he is interested. Yet still, she texts and texts and texts.

One of my other clients has been waking up to texts daily with a woman he has been out with on TWO dates. Really?

Another client was told by a woman he had been on THREE dates with that he was not trying to maul her and obviously was not interested in her. Even though he is recently out of a major relationship, had his heart broken and wanted to take it slow.  True story.

Ladies, stop texting, Facebooking and emailing. Put down the phones and listen up.

Here is the deal. These are great guys. Really great, but they have no idea how to deal with these situations and although these women could have been possibilities at some point, these guys are backed into a corner scratching their heads, wondering how to get the hell out. These are the types of guys you WANT to date. They are smart, funny, attractive, successful…the whole package. But coming on to them with the full court press has left them confused and even a little frightened. It is making it harder on the rest of single women everywhere and is certainly not going to get you quality dates.

Don’t misunderstand me. I regularly let women know how important it is to let men know you are interested because the slightly subtle signs you are sending are probably being missed and they are not sure whether to ask you out again or not.   If they are confused that you are interested, lots of the great guys won’t stay around to figure it out. But just like politics, extremes are not welcome in dating. Assuming that just because you had a great conversation or a couple of good dates that this is going somewhere is just plain nutters and can take you from zero to crazy in less than 60 seconds.

As a dating coach I am the first one to admit this: we have made this love/relationship really, really complicated.  Hell, we have made basic human interaction uncommon.  We are so busy taking the easy way out through texting and Facebooking (which has a whole lot of its own issues), trying to connect the safe way that we all get tangled up in the wires.  If you had a good meeting, date, etc. and make sure they know you are interested, take a deep breath and smile.   Everyone moves at their own pace and constantly trying to make everyone move at your pace is going to leave you scratching your head as you pour another “woe is me” drink with your friends.  Yes, it sucks to be stuck in that crappy ass nervous place waiting for a phone call, but do you really want to date someone that wasn’t willing to feel a little nervous for awhile for you?

Slow down. Think about it. Stop the regular texting…if they were interested they would call you. Please, for the good of all womankind.

[Looking to get more tips, tricks and just some damn good advice?  Join me with CollegeCandy this January for our first College Candy Dating Makeover.  Who’s excited?!]



    1. wendy says:

      so what does it mean when the guy texts every morning/day?

      you think its the same thing? that they like me as much as i like them?

      THEN wth aren't they calling me? me on the other hand, complete wimp. i can't do it 1st. =(

    2. Krista says:

      If they are texting every morning and day, they've definitely got a thing for you. I don't like talking on the phone, because by text it is easier to come up with a response, you have some time to think about it. Maybe they just don't want to screw up.

    3. Han says:

      There are a lot of women that say if a guy likes you he will call you/ask you out, and if he doesn't, he wont. I 100% do not agree with this. If this were true, why are there guys who never get girlfriends because they are too shy to call? Why are there girls who never get boyfriends because they don't know when a guy likes her so the guy gives up?

      I agree, people over-text. But I wanted to speak my mind about the fact that the statement that you reminded us of is one that many people say, and it just isn't true.

    4. criolle johnny says:

      Zero to bat-shit-crazy in two dates …

      1st date was coffee! "Let's get acquainted, COFFEE"! It lasted about an hour after the evening news.

      2nd date was a movie. We were walking through the mall to get to the theaters. She stopped at a display window and asked my opinion on some china patterns. She started mentioning registrations.

      SAY WHAT?!

      She was a bit annoyed that I spent so long talking to the concession girl deciding what to order.

      I called a cab for her.

    5. The Raisin Girl says:

      I really think society puts too much pressure on men to be the doers and women to sit and wait. I mean, sure, texting constantly is annoying and counter-productive, but you shouldn't have to just wait around for a guy to make up his mind, either. You could literally wait for months, and that's just as pathetic as texting every couple of hours.

      And while women are telling each other not to crowd the guys and let them make the first move, men are telling each other rejection horror stories. Why exactly should men have to always put themselves out there and women have to wait around wondering? I think this idea needs to disappear, and then maybe women acting a little crazy out of uncertainty will diminish as well.

      Not, of course, that this article should EVEN be directed just at women. Men act just as neurotic, crazy, clingy, and obsessive as women are always accused of acting. Even, and sometimes especially, the great guys. I have dated some incredibly good guys, and EVERY ONE of them was, at some point (usually the beginning of the relationship) obnoxiously clingy and obsessive and emotionally needy. I've had guys talk about loving me waaaaay before I was ready, buy me uncomfortably elaborate presents before I felt we were at that point, and talk about wanting to marry me someday before we'd gotten to the 3-month anniversary. And none of them were freaks or creepers or that gross guy in the corner of the bar who keeps staring at your chest. They were GOOD guys, really nice guys, and they were just acting crazy. So please don't write articles like this as though more estrogen and the possession of a vagina somehow makes one more prone to this behavior.

    6. Kira Sabin - The Dat says:

      Good thoughts everyone! I am excited that there is so much feedback.

      I had an inkling that I might receive some "Kira why are you trying to push traditional crap on us" so I wanted to make sure that I explained myself.

      1. @The Raisin Girl – This site is mostly aimed at women and so are these articles. I work with lots of men too and have other places I talk to them and talk about their sometime "craziness." I don't think this applies to lots of women. But if someone who has had a good date or two and were left scratching your head, it might be good information to make sure they are not going a little too fast. Or what is good with them and their friends may not be ok with someone who is just getting to know how amazing they are!

      3. @Han I 100% agree that shy guys will not necessarily ask you out…that is why I mentioned how important it is to let guys know you are interested. Shy guys are my favorite! But they definitely need some encouragement. Also, just because they are shy doesn't mean that they don't want to take the lead…they just need to know that if they do you are there with a yes. I have lots and lots more thoughts on this subject, but will save it for the makeover. I only get a few paragraphs at a time:)

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    8. Alicia says:

      Okay, yeah, bat shit crazy when women do this crap. Drives me nuts because I hang out almost solely with guys and I want to find the girl and track her down and crush her phone while she watches in silent desperate horror. However, also completely bat shit crazy and even more pathetic when men do it. I'm sorry, at least girls can blame the poisonous influence of bad romantic comedies. Men are supposed to have a pair and act like it. Stop calling me every second of every day. I don't even like my mother that much and at least she brought me into the world.

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    10. Jenn says:

      While it may be more common, I'd like to point out that ladies are not the only ones guilty of these things. Just this summer, I've had three different guys doing this to me (and no, I did nothing to lead them on)

      In May, one night at a bar, I was introduced to one of the guys that my friends knows. We had a two minute conversation, maybe. It might have been less. Three months later, he's still texting me because my friend gave him my number. I told him I wasn't interested, but he's still texting. I don't even respond, but it doesn't stop him.

      In June, I had to go into the Verizon store because my phone wasn't working. The guy working seemed nice (and normal) and when he asked for my number, I thought it had something to do with fixing my phone, so obviously I gave it to him. Not even two seconds after I'm in my car, he starts texting me. Even after I didn't respond, he continued to text me until he started calling and leaving angry voice messages that I wasn't responding.

      And just a few weeks ago, I met a guy at the gym who seemed to be as interested in running as I was, so we went running together one afternoon. Just the one time, for maybe… an hour. Suddenly he's been texting me at 1 and 2 in the morning because, somehow he got the impression, that we should be 'friends with benefits'. Even after I've told him "no", he still continues to text me when he's drunk.

      So, before you just accuse all the ladies (which, I agree, we're a crazy bunch at times), the boys are guilty of it too.

    11. i am crazy ,many things make me pain such as roomate . crazy!

    12. Kim says:


      I can relate! Men can be just as crazy as women. Just in general, texting gives people the confidence they don't have in the real world. If somebody is awkward in person it won't come across in text. I think it's a little tacky of guys/girls to ask each other out over text. At least call or wait to see the other person face-to-face. Who wants to tell their grandchildren "…then he asked me out over text."

    13. Jenn says:


      Haha I completely agree!

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    19. […] She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, […]

    20. s says:

      Dear God, I'm starting to think I'm the polar opposite.

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    22. rawmultimedia says:

      quite awesome post…you have just earned yourself a subscribe yeaaa (rings bell). either way. boy oh boy how crazy women scares me…lol:)

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