Facebook Places: Gettin’ All Up In Your Business Since 2010

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When did Facebook turn into my verbally-abusive ex-boyfriend?

He’s full of empty promises and is always “I really care about your privacy and I’m not going to show the whole world that photo of you doing naked Olympics.” Then he turns around the next day and broadcasts everything to the world with a “seriously, you’ll end up liking the fact that everyone, including your mother, knows exactly what you did this weekend. And if you don’t, then go back to that dirty heathen of a boyfriend, Myspace, and see if I care.”

And now he’s done it again. He’s introduced a Foursquare for Facebook, called Facebook Places, that takes everyone’s favorite stalker application to the next level. Not only will your friends, frenemy’s, second cousins, and co-workers be able to check into locations, but they’ll also be able to check you into locations. Apparently they’re claiming that it’s just like tagging someone in a photo because it has a detag option. Except tagging an ugly photo of me on Facebook in not equivalent to telling the Facebook community that I’m in the third stall at the Olive Garden on Grove street.

Change your privacy settings today or prepare to see your entire life ruined. Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at my Wikipedia-approved reasoning:

1. No More Lying – So you wanted to get out of your friend’s birthday dinner (because she always insists on wearing a tiara and “kiss me, it’s my birthday sash”) and made up a story about having to cram for a hugeeee test the next day. Instead you go out with some other friends to happy hour where they tag you as being at the bar. Add some photo proof to that tag and you’re about to be defriended…in real life. And that’s the least of your issues. How about the fact that you got out of your boyfriend’s great aunt’s funeral by telling a small white lie that you were really, really sick — only to be location-tagged as being at the school’s biggest tailgate party ever.

2. No More PrivacyFacebook stalking is a totally healthy part of life, real life stalking is a total calling card to spend some time in prison. The two are about to overlap pretty quickly when your stalker starts literally following you from class (because your lab partner tagged you) to the library (because your freshman your roommate spotted you across the stacks and tagged you) to Starbucks (because somehow the barista and you are Facebook friends and she’s trying real hard to be web-savvy).

3. No More Conversation Topics – Facebook has already destroyed 90% of small talk with statuses, newsfeeds, and photo albums. This latest feature will drive the nail into the coffin when your friend starts telling you about her trip home for the weekend and you stop listening because you saw that she checked in to every single place she’s mentioning…including her high school boyfriend’s basement.

4. No More Peace – Get ready for a newsfeed overload, because unlike the privacy-respecting ladies who read CollegeCandy, there are some people out there who will use Facebook Places and use it in excess. If you already thought the Foursquare check-ins were annoying, you’re about to be overwhelmed by what you’re about to learn about your friends. From their walk of shame routes to their drunken check-ins, you will know more about your friends, roommates, T.As, etc., than you ever dreamed possible.

So there you have it. It’s officially the end of privacy. Now it’s up to you whether you want to take the plunge and deactivate (social suicide) or take the risk, stay on, and act cool when your dad’s friend checks him into “Naked Ladies Who Aren’t Your Mom Strip Joint.”

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