Getting Over a Long-Term Relationship: How I Did It

August 24, 2010 Posted in Relationships

When I was 15-years-old, I had a boyfriend who I was convinced I was going to marry. No one in the world could change my mind, whether the warnings came from my mom, my best friend, or the cousin I looked up to the most. Me and this guy, we’ll call him D, were in ‘love’ – or as much in love as you can be before you’ve finished puberty. We did everything together – cuddling in the back of the school auditorium, ditching classes to hang out in the cafeteria, and ignoring the rest of our friends to make sure that we had room only for each other. We did this for four years, through high school graduation, making it through the first two years of college, and then, we stopped.

By Jessica

We did that whole in-between, on-again-off-again, awkward ‘It’s Complicated’ thing for another year after the actual breakup, didn’t talk to each other for a little while, sort of-kind of got back together for about five minutes, and then… it was done. It’s been almost three years since we officially ended our relationship, and I have been able to say I’ve been completely, 100% over it for almost that same amount of time. However, I know plenty of girls who have been in similar relationships, and who still aren’t over them – even though they should be. Long-term relationships, especially ones that took up most of your adolescence, are SO difficult to get over. When you’ve been going out with someone for years, they become your best friend, practically part of your family, and it’s incredibly hard to let go of someone like that. So, for all you girls out there who are still sort of not over that one guy in your life, here’s my story of how I got over my first serious boyfriend.

I wish I could say that I remember the day I felt like I was really, finally over D, but I can’t. I just remember that one month I was laying in bed crying myself to sleep with all sorts of false hope running through my head, and the next month I was going days on end without thinking about him. Maybe it was easier for me since I was the one who ended the relationship, but at the same time I don’t think that’s really true. D was everything to me for years, but I ended things because neither of us were happy. Though it still took a long time to realize that I could be happy without him.

After our in-between year, D got a new girlfriend. And although I had been with other people, it still made me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else (When I pictured them doing the things we did together, it made me want to throw things – and sometimes ACTUALLY throw things). At first, I did the typical things that any ex-girlfriend does. While my friends constantly reminded me that I had been the one to end things, I stalked his Facebook, her Facebook, and the rest of his life. Until he changed his password (I’m not proud of this), I read his emails and hacked into his messages on Myspace. I picked fights with him on a daily basis, throwing every angry word and phrase I could at him to try to make him hurt as much as I did. But whenever he would say that we could get back together if I wanted, I stopped. No, I didn’t want to get back together. But did that mean I wanted him to have another girlfriend? Absolutely not.

And then one day, after wasting the morning crying about everything, I decided that was enough. I deleted him on Facebook and Myspace, I blocked him on AIM, I deleted his number from my phone, and I packed up everything in my room that reminded me of him (yes, even a very pricey diamond necklace that he gave me) and gave it to a friend. I immediately felt a huge sense of relief – the urge to torture myself looking at what he and his girlfriend wrote to each other online was nearly gone. The ability to instantly text him or call him and say mean things was gone. And it felt amazing.

Things progressed from there – besides for a few moments of (drunken) weakness, I really did cut him out of my life. I didn’t answer his texts or calls, I stopped stalking his life, and I started focusing on myself. I got a new internship, I actually paid attention in class, and I started going to the gym on a regular basis. Most importantly, and I really do think this is the biggest thing that helped me get over him, I made my friends my priority. They were my support system, always there for me no matter what time of day it was, always making me laugh even when I didn’t want to, and always talking me out of a quick drive-by of his house. I made new friends and went to new places, expanding my horizons and realizing that I didn’t need D to feel comfortable – in fact, I actually felt more comfortable without him.

My advice to any girl who is trying to get over a long-term relationship? Cut the guy out of your life, at least for a little bit. So many girls don’t want to lose the guy completely, and it’s understandable, but going into the friends zone immediately makes it way too easy to fall back into that familiar pattern of hooking up and acting like bf/gf. That’s why me and D had that one in-between year – we were trying to stay friends, and neither of us was getting over the other. It wasn’t until we spent a few months of no contact that I could move on and be happy with myself.

Today, I’m friends with one of his ex-girlfriends from after we dated. I can see him and feel nothing but a little nostalgia, and I can watch him with other girls and not feel any need to stab myself in the eye repeatedly. Most importantly, and it sounds really corny, but I’ve gotten to know myself – and it kind of feels really great.

6966549 Comments2010-08-24+21%3A00%3A00Jessica+-+Hofstra on "Getting Over a Long-Term Relationship: How I Did It"

Caroline says:
Tue, 24th Aug 20102:46 pm

it really is true that you can't be over it until you're over it. I don't know what kind of magic there is about it, but in my experience (I tend to only have long-term relationships – at least 8 months, but usually much longer), you just wake up one day and you're over it. Of course there are moments when you think you aren't, but…that just seems to be the way things work.

But it is definitely important to keep in mind that you can't get over him if you see him all the time. The less you see him, the better it is, and the easier that magic day comes.

lysy says:
Tue, 24th Aug 20106:22 pm

I just read this article and at the thought of cutting my ex out completly my heart literally dropped..I dont think I can do it..but im going to try.

how to get ex boyfri says:
Tue, 24th Aug 201010:09 pm

First, engage with your friends and family. Let them support you to mend a broken heart. But, don’t bore them with your troubles. Instead, try to have fun with the people you care about.

shari says:
Wed, 25th Aug 20101:11 pm

this article hits so close to home for me. i had a boyfriend that i started dating when i was 15 as well. we were together for 7 years, even moving away to college together. it's been about 2 years since we broke up and it's still really hard for me. i moved four hours away and deleted him from everything, but it's still nearly impossible to be over it (i am still friends with all of his family on facebook, but that's because they feel like my family too and i love them!). you gave me hope that one day i can be like you in terms of healing!

the fact that this article came out on his birthday must be a sign.

BritGurl says:
Wed, 25th Aug 20103:03 pm

Absolutely right ! Delete everything about him from your life – that's the best way to get over a long term relationship. I too, held onto false hopes that we would get back together and found myself in a very confused, foggy state a lot of the time. For about 3 very sad years.

so, one day I woke up. I deleted photos, phone numbers and email addresses, gave away all the gifts to charity. I totally erased him from my life and made myself and my happiness the priority.

Once I did that and was very content with my life…Mr. Perfect for Me, came along and it was sooooo much easier with him than with the Ex. The way it's supposed to be, I'm told.

So – the point to all of this is – Make yourself the priority. Be good to you and good things will flow your way.

Really? says:
Wed, 25th Aug 20106:23 pm

You acted like a 15 year old responding to a breakup when you were actually in your second year of college? Seriously?

Ness - Sheridan says:
Thu, 26th Aug 20108:28 am

Great article!

bri says:
Thu, 26th Aug 20109:18 am

@Really?

how is crying and being seriously upset about a 4 yr relationship where you were in love, after you break up, acting like a 15 yr old? if you break up with/get broken up with after a 4 yr relationship, at any age, and don't feel angry enough to break things, or cry profusely, or get the urge to say mean things to the person, or check up on they're "new" life, then there is something wrong.

Sarah says:
Thu, 26th Aug 201012:19 pm

Having been in a very similar situation, I'd agree that it was easiest for me to just cut him out of my life completely – that meant rarely going to the city we grew up in, in fear that I'd run into his family or our friends, or anything else that reminded me of him. I was in a VERY bad place, mentally, having dated him for 8 of the most important years of my life (high school and college) and it took almost a year before I was able to even glance a guy and not feel repulsed (any guy… not just him). He started dating a girl immediately and ended up marrying her (on our anniversary… ouch), but by that time – two years later – I was over it completely. A few years ago, he asked to be my facebook friend and while a strange nervousness came over me, I knew it would be ok. It was just last year that I saw him for the first time since we'd broken up – 8 years after that incident. Time is the only thing consistent in breakups. Give yourself as much time as you need. Let yourself wallow for awhile. But then, you have to LET YOURSELF GET OVER HIM. It's hard to accept, and I know because I've been there a few times, that he ISN'T THE ONE… but the sooner you realize it, the sooner you're able to be happy/healthy again and find YOU again, and then find the right guy, if that's what you want to do. It hurts, but keep in the back of your mind that you WILL get over it. People have their hearts broken all the time. Let yourself feel, let yourself cry, and then move on.

Lola says:
Thu, 26th Aug 20102:16 pm

I was in a three year relationship that began in my adolescence and recently ended as I entered college. My boyfriend and I broke up right before I can home from college and I thought it would be the hardest thing ever. However, I realized that the less I saw of him, the less I thought of him. It also helps to spend a lot of time with your friends, especially the friends you had before you entered your relationship.

mending a broken hea says:
Thu, 26th Aug 20105:09 pm

Yeah… The whole Facebook thing. You just gotta unfriend your ex. Its just to tempting to looking when you are having a week moment.

Ashley says:
Fri, 27th Aug 20108:48 am

Such a great article, and so completely true! You can never get past them until they are gone for good. Stay strong ladies, you can and WILL make it through a bad breakup.

Anon says:
Sat, 28th Aug 20102:20 am

As a guy reading this, I'm just disgusted. YOU were the one to end this relationship, yet YOU then played with the guy's head for months/years? I was once engaged to a girl who did the same thing to me – and it took me several years to recover.

I hope you apologize to the guy at some point.

Alan says:
Sat, 28th Aug 20106:46 pm

I have to agree with Anon. After a five year seperation with a wife who just wouldn't cut the cord, I find myself in a state of total disbelief that I allowed it to go on for so long, thinking there was still a chance, when in fact there never was a chance. If your done, say your done, and walk away. The short term pain you cause with a simple truth is much less traumatic than years of maybe's, i cant find myself, or any other excuse to not commit to the realitonship.

Riea says:
Sat, 28th Aug 20109:11 pm

Fabulous…

Kara says:
Sun, 29th Aug 20104:13 am

Beautifully written article. I have not gone through the same experience but I feel like I could have written it myself. I am amazed you have the strength now even to become friends with an ex girlfriend. It is inspirational and no matter what setbacks I may have, I hope to always remember your lesson – to be true to yourself and be there for yourself first.

Elsa says:
Sun, 29th Aug 20103:49 pm

You're a bitch

Ally says:
Mon, 30th Aug 20101:14 pm

So, my bf of 1 year and 8 months just dumped me…the day before my birthday…and told me he has been "out of love" the past year and a half. He says the only reason he stuck it out so long was because he felt sorry for me and thought I would hurt myself. (I used to be a cutter and I used to be into drugs and I used to have an eating disorder) He also said I got too fat and that he did not find me attractive (yeah, I admit it, I went from a size 2 to a size 12). But I can't cut him out of my life because we live together. We are both on the lease with seperate rooms in the same house. I have already spent all my money on my pet fee and security deposit so moving out is not an option right now. I have 10 more months until I can move…So ladies, what do you girls suggest in my situation? He already has a new gf, and we broke up 2 weeks ago…I dont know what to do.

waterskigirl says:
Mon, 30th Aug 20106:09 pm

love this..i experienced something very similar to this..it's true…you need some space of having no contact with them and focusing more on yourself and the others in your life. basically, you need to re-define your life, without that person.

vanessa says:
Tue, 31st Aug 201010:35 am

I´m just in that step where i have to make the desition of letting him go, i was 5 years with my ex, and also pretty sure we would get married this year or next yerar, and the last half year we were in constant fighting, i drove my self crazy, i didn´t recognize myself anymore, i was about to loose my job, and nothing seemed rewarding, it didn´t get any better, but worse. i went to chruch and i found what´s most important in my life, everything makes sense now, even if it is not what i want, and still hurts, i still think about him everyday and love him very much, but at least i´m not obssesed anymore, i know believe that god will give me what i deserve, a true man that will love me, care about me, respect me, and believe in me. i don´t know if i will get over him soon, i hope i do because i want to move on definitly

Anonymous says:
Tue, 31st Aug 20107:16 pm

When I would remember his hurtful actions, I forced myself to speak outloud that I chose to forgive him as an act of my will. Whenever his face would flash before me I would do the same. Eventually it became more easy on my emotions and I began feeling that I really could forgive him because I would want to be forgiven for whatever emotional baggage was in my own life. So many times I had to bite my tongue and refuse the desire to want revenge and retaliate and leave him in the hands of God – mercy triumphs over justice.

Anon says:
Wed, 1st Sep 20101:36 am

Good advice for any age.

Shelby says:
Thu, 16th Sep 20104:08 pm

Thank you for this article. I literally decided to break it off with my boyfriend of four years after almost a year of "on-again off-again" complications. We started dating when I was barely 16, and I am now in my third year of college. I hate to apply my own life lessons to the rest of the world, but I think that most relationships that begin and continue on for so long through out adolescence can be the most harmful- regardless of how good the relationship is, or how much you love the person. Speaking for myself, I was in a great relationship. We were actually really good at communicating with each other, we are both mature and understanding, and we both love each other immensely. Personally I just grew to be unhappy with my own life, and Ive since realized that being on my own is the first step to finding out who I am. I think that it is necessary as a young person to find out who you are outside of a relationship before you can really be happy in one for the rest of your life.

lydia says:
Sat, 25th Sep 20102:49 pm

i read this article and loved it, but the more i think about it, the more i can't do it. yes, it's EASY to delete him on fb, make it seem like he doesnt exist, but that's not the right way. if you're on a diet, throwing away unhealthy foods is EASY, but what's out of sight is out of mind. if you truly want to move on, shouldn't you metaphorically be able to lock yourself in a room with your junk food? shouldn't i be able to move on, without forgetting about him? (i also cant pretend that my ex doesn't exist, i see him multiple times in school every day, and haven't talked to him since we broke up, 2 months ago)

another thing, it sounds wonderful to say that i can let myself forget about him, but again, i don't want to. he inspired me to be proactive and dedicated, and really showed me how to set my priorities straight, and be confident. im scared that if i forget about him, those values will slip away, and the expectations he had for me will fall down. if i forget how great he was, my standards for men will be lowered, no?

so once again, i LOVED this article and you made fantastic points, but does anyone have a way to get over him, without blocking his existence from my mind?

blahni33 says:
Mon, 27th Sep 201012:04 pm

so shelby??? since u just broke up how do u feel? u feel u guyz still hab a chance later when ur ready?? or did u wanted to experience another kind of relationsip?? my boyfriend just broke off an 8 year relationship with me too n im confused of what he really wants.

Suzie says:
Fri, 21st Jan 201110:15 am

Thank you. This really really helped me a lot

NearlyObsessed says:
Mon, 21st Feb 20111:50 am

I am really glad you were so strong and able to get this long term relationship out of your life. Sadly, my relationship has been 5 years and it was on-off, but we were never able to stay away from each other. Until the summer that just passed, I only seen him 6-7 times the last 7 months and he still won't forgive me for what I did wrong (which I am definitely too embarrassed to mention.) It's sad how when someone who "loves" you says he forgives you, and then in the middle of a relationship, he changes his mind.

Regardless, I have tried deleting him off Facebook. He didn't care, but I deleted my entire Facebook now and avoided that website because I hate it. I blocked him on AIM but I kept becoming curious on whether he is online or not. I deleted him off his phone, but I still check the phone to see if he calls. Now, I am more mad because when I thought everything was ok, I lent him a huge amount of money to pay for something really important, and I have been getting the same treatment. I just really want my money back and leave. I wish I had not lend him anything.

Heartbroken:( says:
Fri, 22nd Apr 20111:18 am

This article really hit me.. bc I just got out of a four year relationship and he is tired of our back and forth breakups. So he decided not to talk to me anymore and it hurts me alot. I feel alone but most importantly betrayed because I thought we were stronger than that. At this point I don’t know how to get over him but I really want to… I wanna e able to move on without thinking about him everyday.

Jess says:
Wed, 15th Jun 20111:03 pm

I have just split from my 2 and a half year relationship, my god i never ever expected it to be so hard. I blame myself tbh i could have been a better girlfriend we used to be so in love, we spent practicly every day of those 2 and a half years together. I even fell pregnant with his baby just a few months ago but sadly i miscarried after that my emotions were all over the place and i must have pushed him away. It has now been not even two weeks and he is rubbing in my face about a new girl he is texting and hoping to meet, i hate every second of it. Iv tried talking and meeting someone who comes into my place of work and when im with him i do forget about my ex but when im alone i cry myself to sleep. Iv lost nearly a stone since we split and have hardly eaten anything im making myself ill Reading your story gave me a little light for the future but i just dont know what to do to make it hurt any less

Boo says:
Sun, 19th Jun 20119:31 am

I don't have anyfriends and me and my boyfriend are going on a break/break up, suggestions?

meg says:
Mon, 4th Jul 20118:07 pm

This sums up practically exactly what my ex and I were. He's involved with, not even dating this new girl and he's still trying to draw me in. I cried all day today and the past few nights and after reading this I finalized my decision to disconnect him from my life. I want to go into physical therapy and go into further schooling. This story honestly motivates me to actually get up and do it. Thank you for posting this =)

Gabby says:
Fri, 8th Jul 201110:47 pm

This article gives me hope to getting over my ex. We started dating when I was 17 and just broke up after two years of dating. For the second year we dated he was away for 2 months in Europe on a internship and 45 days in Africa. While in Africa he cheated on me. I tried to forgive him because he really isn't a jerk or the cheating type; but then he decided he didn't want to stay together for university.
We have been broken up since May (had a one month break from April to May) and I don't think of him often or feel anxious. At the beginning I would go through his e-mails and try to find out what he was always up too. Recently we've tried to become friends and now I'm back to reading his e-mails and tonight found out he was asking to hangout with this girl he liked in highschool; right away I'm feeling anxious and upset! I know it's because we are 'getting closer' and even after everything it brings me hopes up EVEN though I am happier and feel like a better person now that I'm without him. How do I just stop loving him?!!
I know we shouldn't be friends and I do keep myself busy, but when will theses feelings end??
Sorry to unload!

Kourt says:
Tue, 2nd Aug 20111:19 pm

Im in the same situation… me and my bf of 5 1/2 years broke up in Feb because of stupid fighting and him not knowing what he wanted in life. 6 months later we started trying to work things out I was so happy and excited things felt different we got along it felt so right. We were talking bout the future and I was happy he was back in my life! Then after a couple weeks of being back together he said our relationship felt different and he thought we only seemed like friends im crushed and So hurt I want to be friends but I still love him So much… how do I deal with that? How do I get over him?

Claire says:
Sat, 6th Aug 20113:46 am

I’m sorta in a similar position. I dated a guy for 2 years, but when I moved from The states to The uk about a month and a half ago, our relationship ended. I love this guy, and he truely means so so SO much to me. He visited me (yes a 16 year old boy flew half way around the world for me) but after that he began ignoring me. I should have noticed and walked away with dignity. Instead I lay here in bed, see him talk to his ex’s on fb.. And just cry. I’m so lost in my emotions.

Clutter says:
Sun, 23rd Oct 201112:27 pm

AM just going through fresh heartbreak….and your article seems to make a lot of sense..thanks for posting

Esther says:
Sun, 27th Nov 20117:09 am

I loved your story! I just broke it off with my boyfriend (Brian) after 3 years. I deleted him off facebook and from my phone. I feel somewhat better but I still need to get rid of his stuff. I also learned to turn your bed over, change your sheets and everything else. Also for a girl like me I went out and did an extreme thing (got a BIG tattoo) lol sure helps alot with something different. But that's mainly for extremists. I'm taking your advice and finishing the process of getting over him. Thank you!

Frans says:
Thu, 12th Jan 20124:11 am

I’m a guy and I’m going through a breakup with my girlfriend of four years we got together at 15/16 and I can honestly say I can’t stand waking up in the morning and thinking that there’s no point. She filled my day with phonecalls, texts everything and now things are just quiet I really feel alone. I don’t want to lose her because I’m only 20, and 4 years is a huge part of my life. I can’t stand the thought of her with other people.

Angie says:
Fri, 20th Jan 201211:41 pm

Thank you for this article. I met my boyfriend when i was 18 and for the two years after we went out with each other. He was my first serious relationship… and I broke up with him today. For reasons that i feel.. he has lost the feelings that he used to have for me and it showed really clearly in his silence and in his speech… and in his availability. I still love him.. as you do.. but we've broken up 5 times for the same reason the last 3 months. And this time its time I actually move on… I've just been moping around waiting for his call.. I feel like an idiot… But this article has been significantly comforting so yeah.. I thank you for that. I don't know when the time will come when I will be over him.. but i hope it is soon. Because its been a few hours and it is suffocating me.. Sigh. i hope the best part comes soon.

Suzie says:
Wed, 8th Feb 20124:44 am

It hurts a lot to see him with someone else. I feel like I'm psycho but it really does hurt. Im not jealous but I wish I could just forget. My heart breaks over it every second.

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