The Bachelor Pad: Awkward City

By Lauren

Yesterday was a busy day for me. I worked, I went to the dentist (and discovered I have 2 cavities….awesome), I worked out, and then I came home to settle in and watch a little Bachelor Pad (though, my friends all thought I was working more; I don’t need to hear their judgments about how I spend my evenings).

Besides feeling a whole lot dumber after 2 hours of those shenanigans (not sure if it’s Tenley’s shrieks or Wes’s confusion between math and science that did it…), I felt horribly uncomfortable for the entire episode. Like watching Michael Scott try to make a sale uncomfortable. Or watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or watching my brother try to scam on chicks.

There were so many awkward moments, I broke out in a sweat. It was so bad that while I normally fast forward through commercials, I welcomed the breaks from sloppy kisses and boob flashing with open arms.

Allow me to take you on a trip down Cringe-worthy Lane:

The Kissing Contest: Unless I’m drunk and dancing on top of a speaker that is blasting Madonna’s Like a Prayer at deafening decipals, I do not need to see a bunch of people sloppily making out. I don’t really need to see them then either, but at least I don’t care quite as much.

Elizabeth’s Kissing Contest Noises: There comes a time in everyone’s life when a kiss is so good, so passionate, so earth shattering, that you can’t help but “mmmmm.” I’d like to think that lining up 6 guys by a pool on national television is not that moment. Elizabeth disagrees. So. uncomfortable.

The Weatherman Describing the Kiss With Peyton: Poor Weatherman – no matter how hard he tries, he’s just painfully awkward and uncomofortable. Good news for him, though: while watching him, I get painfully awkward and uncomfortable too. Like when he was describing in detail his kiss with Peyton to the other guys…who find him creepy and annoying. “Her soft lips…. her delicate kiss…” I’m surprised homeboy didn’t need to excuse himself to take care of the heat wave settling in down south.

Gia’s Relationship with Wes: Can someone please explain how Gia can bow out of a kissing contest because she loves her boyfriend but has no problem snuggling up with a cowboy and his guitar? And don’t even get me started on how she flips out on Nikke for lying and saving Kiptyn when Gia did the EXACT SAME THING TO CRAIG LAST WEEK.

OMG, I need to stop watching this show….

Natalie: No, her whipping her top off in the pool with 3 other people didn’t make me uncomfortable. Actually, she doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I just hate her and her fake blonde hair and “I’m a free spirit because I think guys like that” sorta attitude. Barf.

Tenley Jumping into Kiptyn’s Bed: Did Tenley stop maturing or advancing at all when she was 7? Seriously, this girl is challenged. Mentally. I shuddered when she hopped into Kiptyn’s bed. I guffawed when he tried to explain to her why he didn’t want to snuggle. I curled up in the fetal position when she just laid there, fake smile plastered on her face, and told him “We don’t have to cuddle.” Well duh, Tenley – that’s what he’s trying to say.

Jesse B. and Peyton’s Fantasy Suite Card: Uh, what? The Bachelor Pad peeps couldn’t give those two that card in private? And WTF? Dave Good and Natalie get some massive villa in Las Vegas and Jesse and Peyton just get a bed upstairs in the mansion? After springing for not one but TWO private jets back from Las Vegas, don’t you think they could have at least gotten them some room at a Holiday Inn up the street?

Gia’s Earring/Headband Combo at the rose ceremony: Too. Much. Sparkle. It made my head hurt.

I’d like to say that I’ll never watch this sh*tshow again, but I think we all know that’s not true. Especially since I was up for an extra hour last night trying to figure out who Gia’s boyfriend is (or was….) and if she’s dating Wes now. FML.