Tuffy Luv Gives You a Bag O’ Confidence

Ask Tuffy Luv at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and maybe she will do you a mitzvah?

By Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and we were best friends for four years before that. (I know many people say it isn’t good to date your best friend, but when he officially asked me out he said he’d wanted to when we first met, but he stopped himself because I’d just come out of a rough relationship.)

I love him very much and I can’t imagine being with any other guy. But lately (read: the past year and a half) I have felt that he is slowly losing the feelings he’s had for me in the past. It’s just the way he acts when we go out. He seems to have a radar for girls with all the better versions of the things on my body that I’m self conscious about. I don’t know if that made sense. What I mean is that he checks out a lot of women in front of me, and it makes me feel more and more self conscious about myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I have my moments when all is well and I’m the hottest thing known to man. Every girl gets those amazing confident days. But more and more my confidence is shot to pieces, especially when we go out together (curse summer weather and the scantily clad women that come with it). Later he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous (not in a negative tone of voice – more of the “That’s ridiculous, I love your body” sort of way).

I’ve talked to him about it, and I’ve told him that it seriously hurts me to go for a walk with him, or out to lunch and see him stare down some gorgeous girl right in front of me mid-conversation. He said it’s natural and that’s just how guys work. And believe me, I KNOW what it’s like to see some yummy Mario Lopez look alike jogging down the street, but I would never go as far as to gawk at every one that passes by, especially in my boyfriend’s company. I don’t know what to do. I feel really… I don’t even know. Hurt? Angry? But underneath that, I feel like I’m this unattractive obstacle to him and what he really wants/needs.

Sincerely,
Should I Buy Him Blinders?

PS: I don’t think he’s shallow, it’s just I think he’s lying to me and himself about what he finds attractive by being with me.

Dear Blinders,

Honey, I am seriously worried about your self esteem.

Okay, first of all, as your advice columnist, I feel that I gotta tell you: You’re driving him to this behavior. By constantly telling him that you’re unattractive, you are basically forcing him to see you that way. The guy likes you, kid! Why are you telling him he doesn’t?!

I mean, you said it yourself–before this guy, you were in a rough relationship. I’m just taking a guess here that Former Boyfriend told you you were unattractive. Uh huh.

And your subject line, which I won’t post here in case you meant it to be confidential, is INCREDIBLY self-defeating. I mean, are you kidding me?! Girl, you have GOT to grow a pair. Seriously. You are doing yourself no favors.

First of all, I seriously doubt he is looking at women because he thinks they look better than you. You seem to be very preoccupied with yourself and your body. No one is looking at you as closely as you are! Seriously. Everyone is busy worrying about how THEY look. You’ve got to start trying to look at yourself objectively. What is it about your body that you don’t like? Are they things that only you would notice? Probably. If there are things you really don’t like, what can you do about them? Would exercising more help? Easy little health fixes are never a bad thing.

But the bigger issue is this: You can’t expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself. I know it’s cliche and bloop bloop bloop, but it really is true.

So here’s what I want you to do:

Every morning, write down three things you like about yourself. THERE MUST BE AT LEAST THREE. Every night, write down three things you’re proud of yourself for that you did that day. Then read all six things and look yourself in the mirror and smile. DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY for at least a month. I guarantee you’ll start to appreciate yourself more.

In the meantime, your boy’s rubbernecking has got to stop. Instead of constantly whining to him that you feel like he’s not attracted to you, have one important sit down. Tell him that this behavior has GOT to stop, that you simply can’t have it. From then on, flirt with him. Feel good about yourself. Find yourself attractive and let him know it. And if he looks at other girls, call him out on it in a JOKING way instead of nagging his ash off. Unless, of course, you WANT him to stop liking you.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv