Decoding Heidi Montag

"I shoulda gone with the crotchless bottoms. Vajayjay shots get way more press."

Those who follow Heidi Montag’s tweets know the girl can say some pretty bizarre stuff.  And chances are you’ve caught a glimpse of her in action either in the latest tabloids or on The Hills (RIP).  Her one-liners are worth 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day a million bucks, and her rational is simply priceless.  Watch out, though.  You better not take what she says at face value, lest you fall into the PR trap that (for better or worse) is Heidi Montag.

By Alexandra Gehringer

Luckily, I’m fluent in TwoFacedFameWhore, the rare language indigenous to Speidiland, and I’m here to provide a little light…

Heidi tweets: “@LaurenConrad you were so right! Spencer is soooooooooo (Writer’s Note- there were a lot of Os; I didn’t feel like counting them all)ooooooooooo sucky!!!”
Heidi means: “I miss the days when it was just you and me, Lauren.  When I was on a show with steady ratings and had an attractive boyfriend who gave me a small dog for Christmas and…huh, wonder whatever happened to the dog.  Oh well!”

Heidi says: “My boobs are crushing me.  My body’s still getting used to them and I have major anxiety about it.”
Heidi means: “Maybe getting these behemoths removed will get me another People Magazine cover.”

Heidi says: (On plastic surgery) “I won’t get anything done again.  At least not for a long time.”
Heidi means: “Eh, I’ve got an appointment next month for a little touch up.  But *nudge, nudge* that’s just between us.”

Heidi says: (On plastic surgery.  Again) “I still can’t believe I’m 23 and mom is reacting this way. I’m nervous to go home and face her – especially with cameras rolling.”
Heidi means: “Please let her hit me.  Please let her hit me.  Please let her hit me.  The cameras will love that.”

Heidi tweets: “Crying“
Heidi means: “Binge eating and throwing up.”

Heidi tweets: “Cleaning the house and getting rid of my old life, it feels good to live fresh”
Heidi means: “Throwing away the effing crystals. Fingers crossed some paparazzi go through my trash tonight.”

Heidi says: “‘I love my boobs, but I still want to improve. I didn’t get them as big as I originally wanted,’ she said, adding that she wants to go up from her current cup size to an H cup — ‘for Heidi.’”
Heidi means: “I just want people to be able to see them from space.  Or on Google Earth.  I hear Google’s kind of a big deal.”

Bonus round!

Audrina says: “She said she wanted to be the next Octomom! I was like, ‘Heidi, no you don’t!’”
Heidi’s (probably) response: “Wait, you can’t just go to the store and buy babies?  Like, I might have to get fat?  Wow, I’ve really gotta think if this stunt is worth another round of lipo.”

Snooki says: (About Heidi) “I will punch her in the face because I don’t like her. She had too many surgeries. She looks like an alien and guidettes don’t look like aliens, just saying.”
Heidi’s (probably) response: “As long as you let my camera crew film it, I’m down.”