Sexy Time: No, Thanks.

August 26, 2010     Posted in Uncategorized

Yeah, not gonna happen. Thanks.

Sometimes, against our better judgment, we put ourselves in situations that we would rather not be in. Whether it’s too much flirting or too much tequila, sometimes we send mixed signals. One thing leads to another, hands are creeping towards places we don’t want them to go and we realize it’s time to put the breaks on. We need to say no.


By Ness

Sometimes this is easier said than done. Sometimes there’s that “point of no return,” where it’s just awkward to stay stop – even though no one should ever do something sexually they’re not comfortable with. So, what’s the solution?

For starters, avoiding situations where things can get carried away is a good place to start. Don’t go alone somewhere with someone who you don’t want to fool around with — into a bedroom at a party, for example. Limiting the chances of unwelcomed advances in awkward/private situations, and setting very clear boundaries before getting into that kind of predicament is a pretty good idea too. Saying something along the lines of “I’m only comfortable with _________” or “I’m only going to ___________ with you” is both fair and assertive enough to get the point across.

What if it’s too late? What if things are heading in an unwelcomed direction? We’re told that saying no after a certain point makes you a “tease.” Fine.  Really, ladies, it doesn’t matter – don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Say “no,” say “not right now” (there doesn’t have to be a later), or make an excuse (“sorry, I’m on my period” always works). Make a compromise, if you you want, that’s a pretty easy way out too.

Regardless of what we’re told, the majority of guys will respectfully accept your “no, thanks,” and stop what they’re doing. If they don’t, it’s time to get more forward about what you want. The only people that won’t stop at that point are, quite frankly, criminals (no means stop and not stopping means rape).

Part of being a sexually empowered woman is not being afraid to say no. It’s our responsibility to try to avoid these situations, obviously, but we all know that sometimes one thing leads to another. Don’t ever feel like you “owe” somebody sex, because you don’t. It’s never too late to change your mind.

4 Comments on "Sexy Time: No, Thanks."

  1. anonymous says:
    Thu, 26th Aug 20105:05 am 

    I like that you introduced the idea of avoiding situations in the first place in addition to advice about how to stop things if they're moving too fast for you. This was a responsible look at a problem I think we will all face at one point or another. Thanks for a good article.

  2. salamanderspirit says:
    Thu, 26th Aug 20103:12 pm 

    Young women, please note: a 2001 study by the American Psychological Association showed that men and women disagree on many subtle forms of harassment…what this means for you is that you need to be VERY direct with a guy if things are going in a direction you don't want them to. Don't smile at him, don't "add verbal fluff" to soothe his feelings, and don't "beat around the bush" with your wording. Be serious and BLUNT with him. Your body language should convey to him that you are serious: make eye contact, keep your head up, and your shoulders back. If things continue to get out of hand, NAME what he is doing and tell him, "You heard me – STOP." The worse thing women can do in these types of sticky situations is try to extricate themselves in ways that aren't clear to the guy. Better to offend him than have something happen that you weren't ready for.

  3. collegegirl1 says:
    Fri, 27th Aug 20106:40 am 

    Woahhh this resonated so much with me. Last year I PUT myself in these situations when I didn't actually want them. I went alone with a boy in a basement one night and then in his bedroom another and didn't want to fool around. I said no a BUNCH of times but to him it meant, "no this second, but I'll ask again 30 seconds from now." in the end I felt so bad that I'd be considered a tease that I did things I didn't want to do and I still regret to this day. He ended up dumping me right after I gave him what I want and I was crying, crying..it hurt so bad. So I'd recommend to everyone—if you want to be alone with a boy, never go to his bedroom. Go to someplace you can get interrupted, like a living room. If he doesn't take the no answer DONT stay there. Get your things and get out. You don't want to make the same mistakes as me.

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