Friends Don’t Let Friends Hook Up Drunk?

August 27, 2010 12:00 pm     Posted in Reality, Relationships, Sex  Brittany - University of Saint Thomas g+ page

If this study is true, then explain the last 4 years of my life.

Imagine this scenario:


By Brittany

You and your lady friends have finally finished the hell that is finals week and you are going out to party (read: get mind-numbingly drunk) at your favorite college bar. You’re having the time of your life, screaming out Miley Cyrus lyrics into your friends’ faces, pinky-swearing that you’ll all go streaking later, dancing on table tops, demanding a ginger ale,  forgetting about it as soon as you ordered it, and, last but not least, sharing cute glances with the heartthrob from class last semester.  He’s dreamy, but with your beer goggles, he’s even dreamier. You approach him, gush that he looks like a less gay and extremely older Zac Efron, and prematurely seal the deal that you guys are going to go back to the dorms…together.

You go girl!

You waddle triumphantly over to your friends and spit in their faces as you yell over Tao Cruz that you’re going home with this new homeboy you met from, like, your freshman orientation or something. “Is that cool? He looks like that boy from High School musical that dances on table tops!” And what’s your friends’ (supposedly drunk) reaction?

Apparently, not to let you go. At least that’s what a new report from the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse found. According to the study, 39% of students in that situation would try to “persuade someone to not go by reminding her that she may regret it.”  Only 21% would “wish she had a good time.” And 39% would wish she got home safely. (Editor’s Note: Really? Only 39%? Jerks.)

Um, can I buy a  ‘bullsh*t’?

I don’t know who these researchers were talking to, but it was definitely not my friends. And no, before anyone starts telling me what terrible and inconsiderate friends I have, hear me out.  It’s completely naive to totally ignore the fact that in a college bar atmosphere (where, for the most part, everybody knows everybody) people are embracing hookups. It’s part of the college culture and unless the guy looks like Shrek/has a creepy mustache, most people will let their friends do whatever and whomever they want.

Call me crazy, but I think the people interviewed in this study are what many might dub “cock blocks.” Nobody wants to be a cock block. Unless, of course, they’re sitting in front of some scientists with clipboards and don’t want to look like irresponsible jerks. “Oh, no, we would never let friends run off with a guy they recently met from class…that would be horrific.”

I can see right through that halo, peeps.

In college, you are supposed to have a lot fun, try new things and discover who you are.  Most importantly, you can get all of the kinks (i.e. hook-ups) out of your system and call it a day. And anyone who says they don’t let their friends do that is lying…. or, more likely, totally ignored. If hooking up isn’t your thing, then fine.  But in a culture where hooking up is as common as a Jessica Simpson movie going straight to DVD, I don’t think friends are going to (or even trying to) stop you from doing what you want.

However, if my friend is drunkenly contemplating buying Blonde Ambition, I’d most definitely tell her to stop. That she is going to regret.

34 Comments on "Friends Don’t Let Friends Hook Up Drunk?"

  1. Katie says:
    Fri, 27th Aug 20108:27 am 

    I agree with you in the sense that we have to face reality whether it's right or wrong and that college students do hook up on a regular basis. However, I feel that a good friend will give you her advice to make sure you are safe-after all it's college and there are a lot of creepers-and then let you make your decision but not judge you for whatever you decide to do. We are adults we can make our own decisions and mistakes, that's how we learn. Our friends need to be friends not parents. I would probably say to a friend who wanted to hook up with some random dude, "hey go for it as long as you think you won't regret it, be safe, have fun, and text me later so I know your safe." I would feel horrible if I encouraged her and something bad happened.

  2. Danielle says:
    Fri, 27th Aug 20109:02 am 

    I think it also depends on how drunk they are. I've stopped a friend from going home with a random before because she was really gone. (And she was very thankful the next day.) It also depends on who the guy is and how much you know about him- if you've never even seen him before then I would be much more cautious. I would wanna make sure they at least went to our school.

    But yeah other than a few precautions, it's really her decision.

  3. Alison says:
    Fri, 27th Aug 20101:23 pm 

    Only if a friend was really wasted would I stop her. I mean it's her life and who am I to tell her what to do?

  4. Dani says:
    Fri, 27th Aug 20105:35 pm 

    Wait.. Jessica Simpson was in a movie?

  5. TTT says:
    Sat, 28th Aug 20102:59 pm 

    Sounds like the slut train is pulling into the station. You do realize 39% is slightly less than 2 in 5? Not everyone is into getting blackout drunk and boning whatever you can get every week.

  6. Carly says:
    Sat, 28th Aug 20107:09 pm 

    I think it depends on how drunk the friend is and whether they have regretted decisions like this in the past. I would try and stop a completely wasted friend from going home with a guy, because obviously at that point their judgment is way off and they're probably not in their right mind when it comes to stuff like their safety, contraception, etc.

  7. J says:
    Mon, 30th Aug 20104:51 am 

    I don't mean to be a total party pooper, but you can't — either legally or in any personally meaningful way — give consent when you are drunk. Legally, having sex when you are drunk is always rape. I know that a lot of women wouldn't consider it rape, but quite a lot of us do — and presumably we make up a chunk of that 39%.

    I know that a lot of people get drunk precisely because they are too embarrassed (or whatever) to do the things they actually want to do when they're sober, but it's a dangerous habit. It's so much healthier to be comfortable with your desires without needing a drink to get you there.

    I'm all for sex. I'm all for doing what you want, with who you want, and I hate the word 'slut' possibly more than any other. I'm just not convinced that you know what or who you want when you're three sheets to the wind.

  8. kayfen says:
    Mon, 30th Aug 20103:45 pm 

    j, have you been drunk and had sex?

    i don't agree in the leastbit that drinking removes your ability to consent. i drink weekly. i also have sex with my boyfriend weekly. and i think you're an idiot if you say i'm raped 3 times a week, legally or morally.

    if you're passed out, no sex. if you're 4 vodka tonics deep, you can still make choices.

  9. Kevin Whisler says:
    Mon, 30th Aug 201010:34 pm 

    J, Based on your definition, the majority of my guy friends has been raped. The city I live must have thousands of female rapists. I better move to another city, it's not safe here.

  10. Kevin Whisler says:
    Mon, 30th Aug 201010:36 pm 

    "have" been..

  11. Amy says:
    Mon, 30th Aug 201011:18 pm 

    I agree with J. Everyone, don't get all up in arms because she used the word rape, she was perfectly clear she's speaking from a purely legal sense, eg. what would be significant in a courtroom – obviously most people who have sex while having drunkenly agreed to it don't consider themselves raped. But there are some who do, and that's why these definitions are important.

    I also think the author of this article has been pretty aggressive towards other people's point of view on hookup culture. What's true for your group of friends may not be true of others. Remember, for a lot of girls (including most of my friends), a spontaneous hookup is very out of character, and might be an indication that she has had far too much to drink. If that was the case for one of my friends, I would definitely check to see that she was not too drunk and about to do something that she would regret when she was back to her normal self.

    Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the hookup culture. I am no stranger to hooking up, but the fact is, there have been times when it was a stupid decision and I have regretted it, and I could have benefited from having a friend there reminding me that this might not be the best idea. We're not talking physically stopping someone here – just maybe getting them to think about it for a minute before making the decision to hook up.

  12. J says:
    Tue, 31st Aug 20102:48 am 

    Yes, I’ve had sex when I was drunk. And yes, a long-term partner is different than a stranger. I’ve certainly had partners who I told in no uncertain terms that if I say yes when I’m drunk, I mean it.

    On the other hand, I also dated at least one man who had the vile idea that since we were in a relationship, I had therefore consented to all sexual acts at all times. Which means, to put it bluntly, that he raped me on several occasions. I’m talking I was nauseous-drunk and saying no outright, and he told me that “You can’t say no because you’re my girlfriend.” Not a particularly ambiguous situation, unlike the ones described here, but it definitely makes me protective of other women.

    I wouldn’t call me an idiot as far as the law goes. If you’re drinking, you’re legally unable to consent – in the same way that if you are below a certain age, you are legally unable to consent. (And legally, your long-term partner or spouse is capable of raping you under these circumstances, although it’s not often prosecuted — and the fact that partner rape can be prosecuted at all something we should be really happy about, since it wasn’t taken seriously for a very long time. See above. We do want to have some recourse in those kinds of situations.)

    There are, in short, some really good reasons to be suspicious of consent given under the influence. Of course she might have also said yes to the same thing sober. But how am I, as her friend, to know that? Better to suggest she rethink it when she’s sober than to let her go ahead when, as it turns out, the “upstanding” young man who keeps buying her drinks is buying them precisely because he knows she won’t say yes when she’s sober.

    I’m in my late 20s, so I’m both older than the average reader and been drinking a good five years longer. I probably have a pretty different perspective on a lot of these issues. (Also, I read a lot of feminist literature and spend a lot of time thinking about how some of our models of consent are really troubling. So again, I’m not necessarily coming at it from the same place as you.)

    Think about the friend who is firmly convinced — 4 vodka tonics in — that she’s perfectly capable of driving home. Do you let her? To me, it’s the same kind of issue as I have about consent. She thinks she wants to do it, but is she in a state to know?

  13. J says:
    Tue, 31st Aug 20104:42 am 

    @Kevin: Sure.

    @Amy: Yes. Right, that.

    I really have nothing against casual sex – I've done it, it's fun, etc. – but I really dislike the fact that people feel like they need to be drunk to do it, because it ends up putting people in danger. And if you feel like you need to drink to do it, are you really that comfortable with what you're doing? That's what I'm saying.

  14. Wendy says:
    Tue, 31st Aug 201010:09 am 

    I wouldn't let anyone I really care about go home with some guy I don't know. It's not that I'm against hook ups, but how can I be sure I'm not letting a friend go home with some psycho? I'm all for having fun in college, except I'd feel pretty guilty if something happened to them. So instead of assuming we're all cock blocks maybe you should consider the safety of those people you supposedly care about.

  15. B says:
    Wed, 1st Sep 201012:18 pm 

    Kevin has a great point. If technically, it is considered rape if a women has sex while she's drunk, then the same would go for a man who is drunk. You are also assuming that the man somehow tricked the drunk women into sex, when for all you know, the women could have been the one who initiated it. It's crap like this that discredits a lot of feminists. I'm a girl, and I think this is BS.

  16. criolle johnny says:
    Wed, 1st Sep 20102:15 pm 

    B

    Two people are BOTH drunk. They BOTH decide the have stupid drunken hookup sex.

    She gets hell from her friends about making a drunken ass of herself the next morning and decides it was rape.

    Both made stupid decisions, one is a "victim" the other is a felon.

    In some states she can decide it was "rape" weeks or months later. She can decide it was "rape" three or four DATES later.

    Especially if he dumps her. Is that what you mean by BS?

  17. Star says:
    Wed, 1st Sep 201010:03 pm 

    @J: Sorry some people get so up in arms about this topic. It's sort of a knee jerk reaction many people have. I completely understand what you're saying. Being drunk and in a position to potentially have sex can be a dangerous thing. If you're at the point where you're blackout drunk or so drunk you can't really think your decisions through, the other person should not be having sex with you. Now if they're at the same level of intoxication they're also not thinking straight and I feel like that's a different story. I think the difference is that when your tipsy, then you might regret it the next morning but you did decide to give consent. Yet after a certain amount of drinking, you start to lose that ability and you might have no idea whether you gave consent or not. People can argue they feel they have full control over their actions, but you don't realize how drunk you are at that exact moment and also some people simply handle their alcohol better than others.

    Regardless, as you pointed out, from a legal stand point you should not have sex when someone is under the influence, no matter what their gender. I'm glad you were able to explain yourself so clearly and not get upset despite the harsh comments you received.

  18. Alli says:
    Sun, 5th Sep 201011:24 am 

    This is disgusting. I do advise my friends not to hook up with strangers because most of the time they do regret it! Just because something has become normal in this niche of college culture doesn't mean it should simply be accepted and approved of. Go ahead, face reality. But are you really advocating for drunken hook ups on the basis that everyone is doing it? Really??

  19. Alana says:
    Wed, 15th Sep 20104:49 pm 

    I would never let my friend get with a guy when I know she's drunk. If she's too drunk to keep track of her own glasses, she would be too drunk to use a condom. And what if the guy has an STD? Sure college is about having fun, but I'll proudly cock block if it means that my friend wont end up with an STD. BTW, many college students are under 21 and I believe that 21 is the legal age of drinking. Young adults can have fun in a legal way too.

  20. Ralye says:
    Thu, 16th Sep 20109:00 pm 

    Well, with me i usually talk to my friend first or know what her boundaries are before we go out so just in case we're in that position I'll know when she want me to stop her or when she wants me to leave her alone. But i usually am a cock block like Alana says because to me i dont think its just casual sex but instead an easy trip for a std.

  21. River says:
    Wed, 22nd Sep 20101:10 am 

    Hooking up with people 1.) you don't know and when 2.) you are drunk

    (They do call it DRUNK for a reason)

    Is. Stupid. End of story.

    That doesn't make me a "cock block"…instead, these do:

    1.STDS

    2. Creepers

    3. Regret

    scare me a lot more than being called a stick in the mud.

    Your article is condescending and deceiving. Please take your sorry ass off the advice line for impressionable "peeps" before more get hurt.

    –been there, done that

  22. erin says:
    Fri, 24th Sep 20105:01 am 

    I think it all depends on what's meant by "hooking up." I mean, would I advise my friend not to make out with a guy? No (unless they had a boyfriend or the guy had visible herpes or something along those lines). but I wouldn't let my friend run off with a stranger. If they're gonna have sex, whatever, go for it. But I wouldn't just abandon my friend like that or let her leave alone with someone she hardly knows. It's not even the sex act itself (even though I'd probably ask her if she's really sure & tell her it may not be such a good idea), it's the fact that she could be in danger. My roommates and I made a sort of 'pact' that nobody leaves a party by themselves. If it's a guy you know really well, then it's sort of a different story. Me personally, I've never gotten so drunk that I'm at the point where I'll willingly have sex with anybody who looks cute (I usually end up puking and falling asleep before then…not so classy, but it is what it is).

    In the end, I can't really control another person's actions, but that doesn't mean I'd just let her leave with some random guy. I'd at least say something first.

    The article did make me laugh though, honestly.

  23. jack says:
    Tue, 12th Oct 20105:42 am 

    What bull crap. I have no problem letting my friends do what THEY want. They're adults.

    To go into detail, there are RARE cases where a person in almost unconcious, and some other person is moving in…. lame. But then, the drunk person trying to kiss you is usually the least of your problems. THe trouble with the bar scene these days is everyone trying to act super cool (fake) while really being the kind of nervous drama queens that should stay home.

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