Cliques Won’t Get You a Boyfriend

By Kira Sabin

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

I still get a little nostalgic this time of year thinking back to the beginning of my freshman year. Over the first few months Ann (my roommate, bestie and partner in crime) and I dominated in getting to know new people.  Somehow through classes, our brand new social life and dorm we were meeting people left, right and center.  Everyone had a story and was as just excited to meet us as we were to meet them.  Every day was new and had limitless possibilities of friends, fun and dates.

Then something happened.  I am not sure if it was classes or winter kicking in, but we just fell in the rhythm of spending time with who we knew.  Our own little clique. A group of ladies who lived on the same dorm floor with whom who we ate, studied and hung out.  Judgments were made about other people (he’s a jock, she’s a library addict, he’s a science geek, etc) and although we were nice, we jut didn’t step out of our group much.

As college continued it was crazy how those cliques didn’t change much. People were still referred to by their friends, status and even freshman year dorm and floor.  Not until I started a “Kira’s Question o’the Week” for the college newspaper did I realize how far in my comfort zone I had gotten.  The premise of my column was that I would walk around campus and talk to people from all classes and cliques to get their take on a weekly question -  some political, some thought provoking, but mostly fun.  From the minute I was asked I was really excited about using my gregarious powers for good.

Even though it felt strange at first – approaching complete strangers isn’t easy – over the next year I mustered up my confidence to talk to everyone. Freshmen, seniors, foreign exchange students, young republicans, sororities, artists, frats, jocks, geeks, brains, musicians, EVERYONE. And you know what? It kicked ass.  I got in some of the best, most awe-inspiring conversations that I had in my whole college experience.  Conversations that would challenge my knowledge, open my mind and everything I knew.  Everyone had a story they wanted to share and the strange thing was, all I had to do was ask.  All of my absolutely ridiculous preconceived judgments were kicked to the curb and I felt embarrassed by the people that I wrote off because of they were not part of my clique.

In retrospect, I realize that this has actually become the core to my dating philosophy for not only myself but my clients.  Online dating sites want everyone to believe that it is where everyone is meeting their significant other, but the number one way to meet people is still through friends.  It is so much easier to crush on the guy that your friend has told you all about then the questionable rando in the bar, right?  And the bigger the social circle you have the better the chance you have to meet great guys to date.  It’s simple math.

So here is my new school year inspiration for you…figure out how to make your own way to talk to everyone.  Talk to the guy whose socks don’t match, I bet he is fun.   The girl who seems to have everything going for her, you will find out she doesn’t (but she might have some really great guy friends).  The overly confident jock.  The library addict. Everyone has a story and many times it is not that different from yours.  Open up and find out people’s stories.

The best part?  You never know who may become a great friend, a movie buddy, or even a ….date.

Dating Makeover New School Year Challenge:  Smile, say hello or talk to 3 new people a day.  What do you have to lose?

Want more kick ass challenges?  Join us in January for the College Candy Dating Makeover.