Love|Updated:

Sexy Time: The First Time

I still remember the date I had sex for the first time. It was July 16th, and I was 16 years old. It’s odd that I remember the date, I realize, especially because it wasn’t any kind of mind-blowing experience. Looking back now, 16 seems really young – but it worked for me because I was ready. I had gotten on birth control, bought condoms, and, for lack of a better term, was ready to “get it over with.”

While I was far from the last of my friends to “lose it,” many of my close friends had already had sex, which put me in an advantageous position; I got to ask lots of questions. During these girl talk sessions, I heard the regular tidbits: it will hurt, you will bleed, and (what I was most mentally prepared for), you’re going to feel intensely attached to whoever “deflowers” you.

After a lot of anticipation, on a hot Monday afternoon,  I had sex for the first time. The moment came, the deed was done, and as I sat on the couch watching Yes, Dear with the guy I just had sex with, more than anything, I was confused. I didn’t feel any different. I didn’t instantly fall in love, I wasn’t sore, and I didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about. What’s the big deal with virginity if I’m going to be the exact same person after I do have sex?

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti for the last little while, and it’s sparked a new interest in me about the phenomenon that is virginity. I’ll avoid the topic of purity and measuring the morality of a woman by her hymen (we’ll save that for another day), but the book has made me realize all the lies we are told about virginity. Even the language – “losing” it, being “deflowered,” having your v-card “stolen,” makes it sound like sex is some kind of black hole for innocence.

So, let’s tackle some virginity myths that need to be debunked.

Pain and blood. While, for some women, the first time having sex can be uncomfortable and slightly painful, it’s not always the case. The pain and bleeding comes from breaking the hymen – which not all women will still have intact, even if they are virgins. Sports, tampons, and masturbation are just a few of the ways that your hymen can break before having intercourse, so don’t be surprised if there’s no blood or pain. Being well lubricated, relaxed, and lots of foreplay will definitely help with making your first time more comfortable.

Stage 5 clinger. Yes, dopamine and serotonin are released during orgasm, which can lead to feelings of love and deep attraction.  But, as any one that has used a vibrator will tell you – that doesn’t mean you’re going to fall in love with what gave you that orgasm. Plus, I hate to say it, but most women won’t have an orgasm during their first time (especially since 75% of women can’t orgasm through intercourse anyway). Feelings don’t necessarily hinge on sex – but don’t be too surprised if you feel more connected with whoever it was you had sex with. That is the point, after all.

Goodbye, old self. The idea that consensually having someone’s penis inside of you is going to change who you are as a person is kind of preposterous. You’ll still be the same person, you won’t suddenly be immoral, and a switch won’t flip in your head that will make you promiscuous.

Oh, baby. If you don’t use protection, you can get pregnant. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first time, or 201st time, sperm + egg = embryo. Same goes for STIs – there isn’t some kind of “get out of disease free” card just because it’s your first time. Be smart.

Was that it? Sex gets better, I promise. The first time can be awkward and uncomfortable, but with time and practice, it all works out. But…

Low expectations. Just because it’s your first time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not going to be pleasurable. Enjoy it for what it is — you only get one first time!

    Comments

    Comments

    1. brittany says:

      I'm reading that too and I love it. It raises some very interesting points. It's like I want to recommend it to every girl I know.

    2. bri says:

      the only reason i think that you're first time means a little more is just things to do with trust and vulnerability during that time. i think you have to trust the other person enough to put yourself in that vulnerable position. but i also think thats important any time you have sex. and also you should do it for yourself and not because other people are pressuring you to.

    3. amelia says:

      that was very well put.. great writing!

    4. zomboid says:

      i got the impression my boyfriend was a bit disappointed (and definitely 100% surprised, he had no idea that could be the case) when i told him there was no blood and it didn't hurt the first time i had sex. i think most men have delusions of grandeur about the awesome power their amazing cocks can bring to bear on poor little virgins….

    5. Carly says:

      Okay so I definitely envy all of you who say losing your virginity didn't hurt–I rank it as one of the Top 3 most painful experiences of my life, right under dislocating my kneecap. I don't want to scare anyone who hasn't "lost" it yet, but I advise all virgins to prepare for the possibility of some serious pain. And also be prepared for pain in future sexual encounters–I still get a whopping dose of hurt every time I go a while without sex and then have it again.

      Like I said, just be prepared and use plenty of lube!!

    6. AHMED says:

      LOOK AT DIS ALL …PAK IS MUCH BETTER COUNTRY DAN URs ,WE DE PAKISTANI’s ARE PROUD TO BE PAKI’s and PROUD TO BE MUSLIMS .BECAUSE ISLAM GIVES LESSON TO AVIOD SUCH THINGS LIKE DRINKING,nd ving sex…….ETC COZ AFTER DRINKING UR BRAIN AND SENSE DOES NOT WORK LIKE THE WOMEN IN ABOVE SNAP.

      MANY MORE REMAINED TO BE WRITTEN ….

      TO BE CONTINUED……………

    7. AHMED says:

      LOOK AT DIS ALL …PAK IS MUCH BETTER COUNTRY DAN URs ,WE DE PAKISTANI’s ARE PROUD TO BE PAKI’s and PROUD TO BE MUSLIMS .BECAUSE ISLAM GIVES LESSON TO AVIOD SUCH THINGS LIKE DRINKING,…….ETC COZ AFTER DRINKING UR BRAIN AND SENSE DOES NOT WORK LIKE THE WOMEN IN ABOVE SNAP.

      MANY MORE REMAINED TO BE WRITTEN ….

      TO BE CONTINUED……………

    8. Sally says:

      I'm with Carly. For some women there may be little or no discomfort, but this certainly isn't the case for everybody and for some it may be extremely painful even when it isn't the first time. I do agree with this article though – I think the point is really that everyone is different and will have a different experience of their first time.

    9. Becky says:

      I agree wit bri.

    10. […] “run” from virgins for a few different reasons and myths: they don’t feel confident enough to be the sexually more experienced partner (because some […]

    11. […] And, if you’re concerned about a guy freaking out over waking up to soiled sheets then get yourself a battery operated fantasy friend and break it yourself (while having so much fun you may question why a man’s necessary in the first place). Really, though, that sorta stuff isn’t as common as you think. […]

    12. rose says:

      Yes i lv d article,wen i lost mine it was one of d unbearable painz i heard dat i cried maself to stupor if i rememba dat day i fil shy

    • You Might Like