Jersey Shore: The Sizzling Questions

By Melanie

Let me just open with a bold statement: Ron and Sammi need to get off my television, ASAP. Their negativity is clogging up the screen and prohibiting Snooki from getting her fist pump on. Seriously, get these two epic losers off of MTV before I JWoww their whiny behinds.

Also, another note about “JWowwing,” can we just point out that the only reason we were watching last night’s episode was to see JWoww take a b*tch down and it didn’t happen until the last 30 seconds of the show? Then we were left hanging with absolutely no previews to get excited about for next week? Low blow, J.Shore. This week’s episode left a lot unanswered, gentle viewers. Let’s recap all the questions that ran through our minds last night.

• Is Vinny’s sole purpose on this show to educate people on ocular health?
• Am I watching Mean Girls? Really, eye doctor? “If you’re Italian…. why are you so white?” Why you gotta hate?
• Why was “The Situation’s” hook-up so eager to simply wait in the Smush Room while Mike geared up for the event by pounding leftover rigatoni and then smoking a cigarette? Part II: Why did she THANK HIM when he kicked her out of the house at approx 2 AM?
• Can a watermelon fit into a pinhole?
• Does Sammi seriously care more about who wrote her that all-caps note as opposed to the fact that Ronnie cheated on her? Why is she seen sleeping in his bed again after all of this? Why do girls like this exist?
• Also, in regards to Sammi, does she go anywhere other than her bed and shower? Who takes four showers a day?
• Why isn’t Pauly D in this episode more other than to make underlying homo-erotic jokes to Vinny? Is anyone else sensing something more than a bromance?
• Why do I come away from this episode desperate to “JWoww” someone? Why is that someone JWoww herself?
• Why is Angelina still here?
• Why would anyone trust Snooki to make their food? More importantly, why were there no pickles involved?
• Who the hell does Ronnie think he is? What disgusting lug of a person does that to someone they “love”?
• Is anyone else noticing a secret love affair between Vinny and JWoww? Does Vinny really hate Angelina or does he just love JWoww? Was anyone else thrown off by the fact that Vinny FINALLY spoke up to defend JWoww? Did you ever think it was possible to say JWoww so many times in one bullet point?
• If you have to even  think about it, is it a tranny? (ANSWER: YES.)
• Does Angelina have an agenda or does she just have really low self esteem (likely due to her resemblance to Donald Trump)?
• Does anyone else kind of want to see Snooki and Vinny get married and have cute little guidette/guido/oompa loompa babies?

Well, there you have it. What burning questions came to your mind during last night’s episode? I hate how MTV leaves us hanging on an epic girl fight. Rude.