Love|Updated:

Single. And Not Wasting Anyone’s Time

I am SO lucky to have a really close knit group of girlfriends here at Loyola. It’s extremely rare that there is ever any kind of tension between us, but one particular topic has continually been a source of conflict between all of our girls. As you might have guessed, the issue revolves around boys. Or to be more specific, one boy.

One of our girlfriends has started dating this boy that nobody else approves of. He’s smart, but he doesn’t try hard in school. He lost his scholarship this year because he barely went to class last year, and it seems like he is always either drunk, high, or a some messed up combination of the two. Okay, so you get the point… he’s less than perfect. But our friend B is the opposite. She has her life planned out, is the only person I know to make it through honors with a perfect GPA, and would never dream of touching illegal drugs, let alone selling them.

So why is she with this guy? The girl has plenty (and I mean plenty) of other options, but she still chooses him…

It’s one of life’s eternal mysteries that we might never solve – why the good girls always like the bad boys, and why opposites really do attract. But oddly enough, the whole Miss Perfect/Mr. Stoner pairing is not my biggest issue with this whole scenario (even if I’ll never understand what she sees in this deadbeat).

After hearing B gush about her new beau, I was shocked to hear her talk about how casual it was, and how she liked it a billion times better than any serious relationship she’s ever had. B came out of a long-term, serious high school relationship just like I did, except they tried to make it work for part of their freshman year. Obviously, it didn’t go so well and she spent the rest of the year totally single. And now with this new boy, her attitude has completely changed.

“Hey, it’s not like I have to marry the guy. He’s just fun to hang out with for now!”

It’s funny because that is hard for me to process. Aside from summer flings (which, let’s face it, don’t really count for anything but the necessary life experience/obligatory sex on the beach story), I’ve never been in a relationship where I know for sure that it isn’t going anywhere in particular. Not even in middle school! It’s not like I’m looking to get married anytime soon (at ALL), but I can’t picture dating someone for a long time knowing at the beginning that nothing long term is going to happen between the two of you.

I mean, is that even possible? How can you make such a statement when there are emotions and feelings involved?

Even though I’m young and in college, I’m not settling for Mr. Good Enough for right now. I don’t want to waste my time (and his time) with someone that I know I’m ultimately going to break up with. I understand why people do it – trust me, I’ve been single for a LONG time – but it just won’t work for me. I take relationships seriously and I don’t want to put my time and effort into something that is not.

As far as my friend B, I’m happy that she’s happy; that’s what is most important to me and all our girlfriends.  If this situation works for her for the short term, I’m behind it 100%. (And if she wants to take it long term, well, then we’ll have to sit down for a bad boy intervention.) But for me this whole thing is just a reminder that while everyone else around me may be focused on the here and now, when it comes to relationships, I’m willing to wait for something with more long-term potential.

    Comments

    Comments

    1. LD says:

      I have friends who are the same way, and I don't understand it either. It seems like such a waste of time, even if they're having fun – what if the "right" guy passed by because she was busy with this loser?

      Also, my roommate's boyfriend (who she knew she didn't want to be with long-term) has turned into a stage five clinger that she can't seem to get rid of. So there's always that risk too.

    2. M says:

      She seems happy. Their difference do seem like a stretch, but she will get over the need for a bad boy. Have faith in your friends.

    3. Emily says:

      I'm like your friend, I made up my mind during my second year of college that the guys I went to school with just didn't have any long term potential. Not to mention I plan on living abroad for a year, and definitely don't want to do the LDR thing. So I'm dating some Mr. Right Nows for the remainder of college. Dating is about trying different people out, it doesn't need to always be about the long term, I personally want to look back at my time in college having experienced all different types of guys, plus it helps you narrow down what you really want in Mr. Right.

    4. megan says:

      I have been in exactly the same position as your friend B. my friends hated my stoner/bad boy-boyfriend and the fact that i was happy wiht a casual jsut for now relationship so much we have stopped speaking. i feel the need now to spread my insights to help other ppl in my situation to not loose friends and still enjoy their relationship.

      I think you are looking at it the wrong way:
      firstly about the badboy issue…I was extremely naive, good girlie girl and he was the opposite, but my life was constantly about following rules keeping up with school pressure etc and even the best of us find those things stressful now and then. When i was with him his easy going attitude would help me in my most stressful periods and his bad behaviour allowed me to live out some of my pent up youthful revolt experiences in a very safe way. he also never ceased to express how much he adored how smart and well behaved I was. lets be honest it takes work to be good in school and to never try illegal drug etc and its nice to have that really appreciated.

      the second issue about casual relationships. i think you are seeing it as an imature or naive veiw of a relationship but I see it as very mature and honest. i knew I wasnt going to marry N, hell there were about 4 months when I didnt kno if he would call the next day. But the thrill of that is he did, we spent every night together, ate most lunches together and usually went out for drinks/dinner/a movie a few times a week. we spent so much time together we went from causual to dating but still I never saw very long term. My friends hated this attitude and couldnt understand how I was ok with that but it was a relief, i was constantly thinking about my future in every other aspect of my life but with him it was just for hte moment, and we had incredible moments, ones that I will always remeber. there is nothing wrong with your friend for wanting to life in the present without making plans for hte future that could just upset the time that they will share anyway. people come and go from your life naturally. When my relationship was not longer as fun, or working well for us both we broke up, but today I still talk to him all the time, even visit when im in town and we can still enjoy eachothers company for just a moment; my so called girl friends from that time however, all disappeared just because they couldn’t get over my attitude in a causual relationship. It goes to show you dont have to plan for anything in relationship, whats meant to happen will, and for me and i imagine a lot of girls it can be a relief to not worry about those relationship, to just treat them casually.

    5. misnomer says:

      One of my best friends was in a relationship that none of her other friends approved of. The guy was so obbsessed with school he would stay up for forty hours straight doing nothing but studying. I think my friend kinda did see long term potential even though she acted like it was a "right now" kinda thing, but he was planning on med school and she was graduating soon. I assumed he would end up being a workaholic who was willing to sacrifice a marriage and family for his job. On top of that, he was annoying. No one liked the guy. We let it go on for a little bit, but then she started getting hurt. I do not feel bad for encouraging her to break up with him.

      I have very limited experience with guys, mostly because I can't date someone if I don't at least see it lasting for awhile and I really care about the person.

      http://studentswhostillhavesouls.blogspot.com

    6. Chris says:

      I’ll be up front here; this is from a guy’s perspective.

      I’ve seen and heard of this happening so many times; I’ve come to think of it as a scientific law.

      It’s not like I planned my whole life out, but when I got out of high school, I got an engineering degree. I didn’t want to go to college, but my parents forced me to. During that time, I really started to lose interest in women. I thought it would come back later, but I have just become less interested. I thought things would just kind of work out in that area, but, it turns out, most women don’t like engineers all that much.

      For a while I was bitter; then I became apathetic. I decided if that’s what women want, then they can have it. I’m not going to be second choice, though. If I have to live out my life single, so be it; it’s better than living with someone who thinks I'm second best.

      Now I find myself at 28 years old, starting over again. I hated my job so much; I’m switching careers to become a diesel mechanic. It also turns out that no one wants engineers to engineer anymore. They just want us to do menial tasks and wither away under a corporate establishment that simply wants to maintain the status quo.

      Okay, so I’m a little off topic. Anyway, my attitude has improved somewhat, but I’m still quite wary of dating. I would rather just have friends for now since it will be quite some time before I’m ready to get married. At this point, I will not even consider dating a woman unless we’ve been friends for a while first, though most women don’t want to hang around long enough for that to happen. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time either and, unless it looks like it will lead to a marriage, I’m not even interested.

      So, I hope this has been informative. Just keep in mind, someone is always watching. Someone may make their decisions based on your decisions, even if they don’t say anything. Choose wisely.

    7. […] • Even college girls don’t want to settle for “Mr. Good Enough.” (College Candy) […]

    8. rogjack says:

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    9. criolle johnny says:

      Classic. When she's 32 and has 3 kids, she'll be howling that there are "no more nice guys"!

    10. […] CollegeCandy: What’s the pointing of dating someone with no future potential? […]

    11. Kella says:

      THANK YOU!

    12. rogjack says:

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    13. jackyrog says:

      These all information which you can share is really very great. These is one of the casual relationship. Anyway, my attitude has improved somewhat, but I’m still quite wary of dating. I would rather just have friends for now since it will be quite some time before I’m ready to get married.

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    14. kemytone says:

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    15. rosleyfilter says:

      These relation ship is really very casual. If I have to live out my life single, so be it; it’s better than living with someone who thinks I’m second best. In all these there are so many things which is great.

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    16. And I think that's of the more important things I learned from all that reading I did. I didn't waste my time, or somebody else time, writing stuff that would have only been self serving.

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