Duke It Out: Soul Mates

September 10, 2010 9:00 am     Posted in Relationships  Lauren H - The New School g+ page

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like fandom!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]


By Lauren H

We’ve all killed a few hours (*cough*Calculus*cough*) imagining that amazing guy that would somehow walk into our lives – you know, the one with the suave of George Clooney, the charm of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the abs of Ryan Kwanten (hello, Jason Stackhouse!) – and magically turn all those microwave-ramen-days into a romantic comedy dream. Turns out though, most of us actually believe he exists.

OK, maybe not quite as awesome as we dreamed, but still, according to a new, poll two-thirds of us believe that our soul mate is out there and that we’ll find him some day.

On the one hand, I totally get that. Assuming that you didn’t spend your formative years as part of a remote tribe in the depths of the Amazon (and probably even if you did), you were probably raised on movies, TV shows and books filled with epic love stories. And if all of those quirky girls can find THE guy who will love them and make life a fairy tale, why shouldn’t someone nice and normal (mumbles) like me be able to do it too. Sure, we realize it’s not going to play out exactly like the movies, but it’s not really the big kiss-in-the-rain-to-the-tune-of-a-Top-4o-love-song scenes that matter, it’s the love. Moreover, those stories always make it seem like the girl who “settles” – who picks a nice, smart, handsome guy who loves her but isn’t “the one” – is making a huge mistake and ruining her happiness forever. No, we’re not all four years-old, we know that all of those tales aren’t real life, but they do on a subconscious level, form our ideas about what love should be.

But then there’s that pesky little reality problem we all have to live with. See, it turns out that people who believe in the soulmate thing and apply that to their relationships are 150% more likely to get divorced. Ouch! The problem is, in a world with roughly 6.5 billion people, even if we all really do have a soul mate, the odds of finding that person would be crazy small (I’d do the math, but like I said before, I had other abs on my mind during those classes). It also inherently means that most people who get married are probably married to someone who’s not “the one” – and by that virtue, are taking up someone else’s “one” – and that those marriages are somehow less meaningful. The soul mate seems like a romantic idea, but when you put it into perspective, it’s actually just heart-crushingly depressing.

What say ye, ladies? (Why did that go all medieval? I have no idea) Do you believe that someday your prince will come? Or is that rom-com stuff all a little blown out of proportion? Duke it out!

18 Comments on "Duke It Out: Soul Mates"

  1. Summer says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 20104:39 am 

    I believe in an altered form of soulmates. I don't think you only have one or that they necessarily are romantically linked. For that matter, they might not even be male!

    There are some friends just make your life… better. More complete. They always seem to know what to say or do, even if it means giving you some tough love that pisses you off.

    You love them, wholly and without complication

  2. Kar says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 20106:15 am 

    I personally do not believe in soulmates, or "love at first sight" for that matter. I think the reason that a lot of people who ardently believe in souldmates get divorces is due to their idealization. They think every day will be rosy and harmonious, and therefore can't handle it when they hit a rough patch. Basically, people should not create such strange, high expectations. For instance, I know a lot of girls who say "I want to married at 22, and have my first child by 24!" – yet they don't even have a boyfriend. Life cannot be planned – it's impossible. So, instead of stressing out about "the right one" and when, just move on and eventually something may or may not happen – who knows.

  3. Asia says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 20106:27 am 

    I believe that trying to focus on finding that one perfect person is very self-defeating, and ultimately a bad way to go about finding someone, especially one out of 3.5 billion (50% of 7 billion) possible someones.

    I think we have at least a handful (or possibly more) compatible persons, that have long-term potential, but limiting yourself to finding the "perfect" (whatever the hell that means) one, just makes it that much harder to see the great (and not-so-perfect) ones.

  4. Jenn says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 20106:45 am 

    I believe there are people in your life, guys and girls, friends and lovers that you are destined to meet and interact with, those people who when you meet them you feel like you've known them all your life (or in a previous life if you believe in that). These people are your "Soulmates" the souls that you shape your life around. I believe that the person you choose to be with and create a family with is from within that group of souls but that doesn't mean that person is necessarily your most spiritually connected "Soulmate". That being said, love and that connection isn't always enough, your "true love" or "Big love", sad as it may seem isn't necessarily the one you ride off into the sunset with.

  5. Alexa says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 20108:26 am 

    I feel like there is a person out there for everyone…however when one person does find that significant other they themselves feel theyve acheived finding their soulmate. I think it all depends mostly on not whos mr. or mrs. right but more on compatibility. I still pray my lover is out there somewhere!!!

  6. Meg says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 201010:39 am 

    I married my soulmate- my best friend in the entire world. I think a lot more marriages fail because people don't go into the relationship with the commitment to ensure success. A good marriage requires a lot of sacrifice and willingness to think about someone other than yourself and I don't think most people are willing to think outside of their needs and wants and thus go for the quick fix- a divorce.

  7. nat says:
    Fri, 10th Sep 201011:03 am 

    there is no such thing as a 100% perfect person for you and i think the idea of "soul mates" perpetuates that myth. we indulge this fantasy of a "soul mate" and end up waiting our entire lives for that one person to have every quality we are looking for, which is impossible. meanwhile, we miss out on a perfectly good opportunity to be with someone who could genuinely make us happy, but we'll never know. it clouds our mind so much that instead of enjoying life and enjoying a relationship, we're constantly seeing what this person doesn't have instead of what they do.

  8. Hilary says:
    Sat, 11th Sep 20109:19 pm 

    I don't know if I believe in soul mates but I do believe in love. I just think some people give up too easy. They walk away instead of duking it out with the one you love. You have to accept people regardless of their faults and try to make it work. People can be together forever, just don't forget what you love about them and don't forget to tell that person that you love them. Be open and honest and don't be afraid to communicate your needs.

  9. CR says:
    Sun, 12th Sep 201010:02 am 

    I always joke about my "potential soulmate"

  10. HFM says:
    Tue, 14th Sep 201010:05 pm 

    I think that no matter who you get married to, you should take in those moments happy. Maybe he wasn't 'the one' you were dreaming of, but he's here now. I don't think that theres any point living life believing that this is someone else's 'one' when he's here with you, now! I think that media makes us hope and pray that 'the one' is out there, and maybe he is? I don't really know. But I know that no matter what happens, that I can be happy with no matter who I end up with. & Let's face it, the perfect combination of hot (Channing Tatum) and sweet (Justin Long) just doesn't exist, sadly. You can either get Channing, or Justin. I'm just saying..

  11. Angela says:
    Wed, 15th Sep 20109:49 am 

    I think people who believe in "soul mates" and "destiny" and "meant to be" are relying on magical thinking in order to have an acceptable excuse for making bad descions in relationships, staying with jerks longer than you and everyone you know think you should, then repeating the same unscuccesful semi-selfdestructive behavior and instead of learning from mistakes made in past relationships we just assume that the next one will be "the one" and nothing ever really changes. It's no wonder guys walk all over girls, they probably all assume we're just another idiot sipping on the "soul-mate" Kool-Aide.

  12. Leia says:
    Sun, 26th Sep 20106:32 am 

    It is possible that we have those people we are meant to be with, but finding them isn't very simple. Coming off that, if someone is trying to find their "soul mate" they can't do so with a list of qualities that they should have, because how do they know its right for them? I've been overall disappointed in relationships with guys that I thought would be a perfect match for me, and happily surprised in how well I've gotten along with guys I didn't even know was what I wanted. Basically in my experience, the only thing that determined how well our relationship went was our chemistry: If we clicked instantly, it didn't matter how much of our interests we had in common. As long as he is kind, respectful, and caring (and you are as well) nothing else really matters.

    So if a girl is really gonna try to hold out for "the one" then being too picky will not help. There are billions of people out there, and trying to narrow it down specific qualities will only hurt your cause in the long run

  13. threegirlsandamic says:
    Wed, 13th Oct 20108:16 am 

    It's funny how we talk about soulmates and falling in love but we never get around to the big M…marriage.Why are so many people against marriage?

  14. Marley says:
    Mon, 13th Feb 20128:12 pm 

    I am diheglted! Thank you for your kind words and support. It is my honor. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.Blessings of Love,

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