The High School Friend Decoder

By Alexandra Gehringer

Whether you’re fresh on campus or are a seasoned beer pong pro, everyone can remember the day they said goodbye to their high school friends.  It began a whole new type of LDR.  The long distance friendship (or LDF) is most common among people who have known one another for years, and are then forcefully separated by miles and ten different college towns.

Everyone wants to remain the same Popsicle-sharing, boy-loving, outfit-coordinating band of buds, so you promise to keep in touch.  Skype, AIM, gchat, Facebook…somehow you make it happen.  As you’re settling into your new dorm and meeting new people, sometimes it feels good to catch up with a familiar face.  While at first it’s all innocent I miss you’s and I’m coming to visit you’s, eventually friends start to brag.  Their cafeteria is delicious, they slept with their hot RA, they’ve made new BFFs galore.  The list usually goes on for another twenty pages, but I’ll let you just go back through your text inbox to read of the others.

Before you get down on yourself for wearily picking through mystery meat, pushing aside gray peas, and sitting with what you’re sure is the foreign exchange table, I’d like to decode your friends’ overzealous statements.  Don’t worry; they’re having a hard time adjusting, too.

What she says: “I get drunk every night.  This place is a constant party.  I love it!”
What she means: “I had too much tequila the other night and puked on my roommate’s shoes.  I’ve been hungover for three days and I never want to drink again.  End my life.”

What she says: “College is so much better than high school.  There are gorgeous guys everywhere.  It’s like a freakin’ Abercrombie catalog.  You know, back when Abercrombie was actually cool.”
What she means: “There are maybe two hot dudes on campus and they’d never talk to me.  I made out with a kid who still had braces last weekend.  I think I’ve regressed.”

What she says: “Hooked up with one of the basketball players and gave head for the first time.  I was totally amazing at it, he said I was, like, the best he’s ever had.”
What she means: “For some reason he kept saying, ‘Watch the teeth.’  Do you know what that’s supposed to mean? Huh.”

What she says: “I’m totally the most popular girl on my hall.  Everyone knows I’m where the party starts.”
What she means: “I’m where the party ends.  They call me Pukey.  Can I come home yet?”

What she says: “Chicken finger Wednesday is like my dream come true.  The food here is so good, I can’t get enough!”
What she means: “I’m totally getting fat.”

What she says: “I’m dating a total hottie.”
What she means: “I’m dating that kid with braces I never told you about.”