Modern Barbies for Modern Girls

Move over, Bratz! Mattel’s still got a little something up it’s sleeves for the Barbie franchise.

By Hannah Corpuz

Trying to keep things modern, Mattel’s new News Anchor Barbie embodies the smart, sexy, powerful woman that is so prominent today (because we all know that a pink power suit say “I am woman hear me roar.”). We get what they’re trying to do over there (Veterinarian Barbie is soooo 1999), but Mattel has totally missed the mark. If they really wanna modernize the Barbie brand and have everyone’s favorite big-boobed bombshell represent the real women of today, maybe Mattel should consider a few of these:

1. 90210 Barbie: Comes with many interchangeable body parts perfectly suited to reflect the times. Change out lips, nose, and breasts. Not only can you give her implants and Botox at will, you’ll also be able to shape her thighs, stomach and underarms to your liking.
*Not to be confused with Heidi Montag Barbie.

2. Cougar Barbie: Comes with rock-hard implants, a recent divorce settlement, and a calculator to help her determine if the age gap between her and her crush is big enough.
Please note: I’m-Not-Old-Enough-To Shave Myself Ken is sold separately.

3. I Prefer “Exotic Dancer” Barbie: Comes with a mysterious background fit for a Lifetime movie. Is she a struggling single mom trying to pay for her son’s speech therapy or an independent college girl working to pay off her debt? The decision is yours!
*Optional accessories include self-esteem and clear heels.

4. Soccer Mom Barbie: Comes with a mini-van, Crocs, and several cases of wine. Her outfit is filled with baby throw-up stains and splattered spaghetti sauce. Pull the string in her back and get to hear all about she spent six hours uploading bath time photos of her kids to Facebook.

5. In-Debt Barbie: Includes over twenty realistic credit cards, plus her cell phone comes with pre-blocked numbers! And the crazy thing? You can use In-Debt Barbie’s cards to go on a shopping spree and put all the damage under her name!

6. Facebook Whore Barbie: Automatically uploads new photos to her profile every other hour, updates statuses with inane detail, and comes with tools to harvest crops! She’s always up for a Facebook chat and comes with a growing eye problem from staring at a screen all hours of the night.

7. Politician-ish Barbie: Comes with great view of Russia that can be pasted onto Dream House window! She has a vocabulary of over 100 words, although we can’t predict in which order they’ll come out. But either way, they’re totally tweetable.

8. Stalker Barbie: Wears customizable “I heart ____ ” shirt, underwear, bra, and tattoo. She’s an active Foursquare participant with “Mayor” status outside your window.
Be aware: binoculars and customizable blow-up doll are not included.

9. Unemployed Barbie: Offers you the chance pull string on her back to hear her gripe about being poor. Comes with a personalized invitation to The Pity Party and two pairs of Costco sweatpants. She dumped Ken for someone she met in Craigslist personals and seems content lounging around at all times.