Explaining the Sexual Satisfaction Discrepency

What is it with guys thinking they’re veritable gods when it comes to escapades of the sexual variety?  A new study found that while 85% of American men claimed the last person with whom they had sex reached orgasm, only 64% of American women actually had an orgasm during their most recent sexploit.  Let me pull out my calculator on this tough one…  Okay, so that means 21% of men appear to be overestimating their success rate.  Yikes.

By Alexandra Gehringer

Now, dear CC readers, let’s be honest.  I think many of us have encountered a member of that misguided 21%.  Sure, he may be funny and intelligent and wildly attractive.  But when it comes down to seductive gestures and the main event, the dude’s got as much game as Snooki at a country club.

I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation somewhere for this significant discrepancy.  And I know the blame doesn’t entirely rest on the other side of the court, ladies.  Right now I’d guarantee men are insisting, “If she would just speak up, I’d know what she likes!”  Well, he’s right.  You need to open your mouth as frequently as you open your legs.  That being said, I think you’ll agree on the more frustrating roadblocks some guys just can’t seem to overcome:

He throws you on the bed with such passionate intensity…
Expectation: Excellent things are coming your way.  Records will be broken, perhaps a few lamps, too.  There’s no way you’re going to be able to walk straight tomorrow.
Reality: Homeboy hops right on and the whole thing is over in six minutes.  Bow chicka wow…eh.  You text your friends to see if they left for happy hour yet because, hey, the night doesn’t have to be a complete wash.

While you’re making out, things get a little handsy…
Expectation: Second base goes highly underrated, and you think you’ve found someone who agrees with you.  Sometimes it’s fun to just make out like teenagers on prom night.
Reality: Okay, you didn’t mean he had to be as clueless as a fifteen-year-old boy.  That poking is kinda annoying.  And…ouch…little aggressive with the boobs there, killer.

So you think you bagged yourself a winner…
Expectation: How can anyone who resembles Javier Bardem be a bad kisser?  Finally, someone who looks like he knows what he’s doing.
Reality: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Maybe that’s how they do it in España, but stateside we use a little less tongue.  You can’t even move your mouth to try some hands-on teaching.  The whole thing is really awkward so you just stand there and wait for the oral assault to be over.

You’ve thrown your inhibitions to the floor along with your clothes…
Expectation: He wants you to speak up in bed, well guess who’s getting bossy tonight?  You are.
Reality: You want to be on top, he keeps attempting to flip you to the bottom.  You want to start slowly, someone’s already nearing finish line.  No, just like the last dozen times, you don’t want him anywhere near your butt.  But yes, just like the last two-dozen times, he still tries.  FML.

To keep things interesting, you’ve decided to push the envelope.  Just a little…
Expectation: “You’re the coolest girlfriend/friend with benefits/random hookup ever!”
Reality: “You…want to do…what?” (He says sheepishly as he pulls the sheet up to his chin.)

Bonus: The Lingering Touch, aka Ghost Hands
All guys do it and I can’t figure out why.  Please tell me this happens to you, too.  It’s when you’re walking and a guy puts just the absolute tips of his fingers on the small of your back.  (I’m sorry, are you trying to subliminally steer me in a certain direction?)  Or when you’re sitting and he lays his hand ever-so-gently and very lightly on your knee.  (Or are you holding your hand above my knee?  It’s hard to tell.)

Fellas, if you’re going to make physical contact- please do so like you mean it.  Throw your arm around our shoulders, grab us by the waist, put your hands on our legs.  It’s okay to be a tiny bit rough, we won’t break.  Have some confidence.