The 3 Little Words You Will Want To Say

October 7, 2010 Posted in Advice, Relationships

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up!]

My cousin Big Mary is an inspiration. She is about 70 years old, a retired teacher and absolutely fierce. Although they lived in Virginia, Big Mary, her husband Jim and their daughters Little Mary and Martha would come up to the fine state of Wisconsin at least once a year. Having a very small family, it was always exciting when our cousins with the southern accents would come “up” to visit. My sister and I were always jealous of the tales of school being called off over one measly inch of snow. Ridiculous.

Somewhere over the last ten years or so, Big Mary came up with one of my favorite sayings. She would call to talk to Mom and tell fun stories about life and school in the not so deep south. At one point, it would always come back to Mary’s favorite saying: “Not my problem.” She would say it in a fun accent that reminds me of Gone With The Wind (you know us Northerners, all Southern accents sound the same) and would be copied around my house regularly.

Don’t get me wrong. Mary is kind, funny and warm. She is a great Mom to my favorite cousins. Was a wonderful wife for years as her husband grew ill. A valued teacher, neighbor and friend. But Mary was also a smart and spunky lady who knew what to take responsibility for in her life. She wasn’t saying “I don’t care,” she was saying “I am concerned about that person, but they have to figure it out themselves and I can’t do it for them.”

After flippantly quoting Mary for years, one day I finally got it when I was stressin’ over the guy I was dating. It didn’t matter how much I worried, lectured, empathized, cried or tried to fix his life, I couldn’t. It was literally his problem and he had to work it out. I also realized I needed to accept that maybe they never would. Believing in “the potential,” I thought that if I tried hard enough for the both of us, it would work. I would justify his bad habits, overlook questionable decisions, ignore hurtful comments and actions because when I focused on his problems, I didn’t have to deal with my own.

Something shifted in me that day. I gave myself permission to let go (literally, I broke up with him a couple of days later). To allow others to make their own choices and deal with the consequences. To support and listen, but let them know that I couldn’t take on their problems anymore. But in the end, it was never really about them. When I had others’ issues or dramas to worry about, I could ignore my own. The only person whose problems I could fix. Pretty silly right?

So I ask you this. What is “not your problem?” Who are you trying to fix? Who are you allowing to behave badly in your life? Who is taking up your precious time? Don’t you think it is time to let go? Need help? That is why we are here.

Get more college love advice on Kira’s new website www.thecollegecrush.com and watch for her on the amazing College Candy Dating Makeover starting in January.

Check out Kira’s other insights into dating here.

7484910 CommentsThe+3+Little+Words+You+Will+Want+To+Say2010-10-07+21%3A00%3A05Kira+Sabin+-+The+Dating+Makeover+Coach on "The 3 Little Words You Will Want To Say"

Lindsay says:
Thu, 7th Oct 20101:34 pm

My ex. I stupidly believed him that he'd "let me know when he was ready to be together again" for months until one day I texted him, and he had no idea who I was. Now I've got a wonderful guy who treats me great.

C says:
Thu, 7th Oct 20103:45 pm

I'm just breaking up with my bf this week, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to apply this advice to it. I'm tired of dealing with the consequences of his choices and actions that affect me negatively, and there's no point in trying to get him to change if he doesn't want to.

Colleen says:
Fri, 8th Oct 201012:22 pm

This is exactly what I needed to hear (read) right now! I've been obsessed w/ this guy who has minimal interest in me & who I only see when we're both out & drunk. It's time for me to move on & let go of (the idea) him and I ever becoming anything past a hookup. If he wanted to be more he would let me know & not tell me that he "wants to keep his options open" after we hooked up. I can't rationalize or try to understand his behavior I just have to realize that he's "not my problem" and move on!

kate says:
Sat, 9th Oct 20109:53 am

Love it.

Ive reallized theres never a point in worrying about things you have no control over. If you can't fix it, why worry? do your thing and try your best, but sometimes tis just out of your hand.

Louise says:
Sun, 17th Oct 20106:24 am

this post has literally made my day, for the last few weeks I've been stressing over my mum and dad, their breaking up, then their not, then they are, then they are looking at houses, then their scared to be alone…I've been driving my self crazy trying to help them but you no what 'it's not my problem' their adults they need to deal with the consequences of their actions !

Kira Sabin - The Dat says:
Sun, 17th Oct 20106:57 pm

Ladies!

I love the strength in your comments. It reminds me why I do this:)

@Louise, I love that you realized that! You are right, your parents are adults and are going to be ok whether you worry about them or not.

Kira

Lindsay says:
Sun, 17th Oct 20109:53 pm

Thanks for posting this… I don't have a boyfriend, and im not in college, but i have a friend who had drained it all out of me. I have no energy, and I want to help but I can't anymore. I have cried so much about it. Your post made me feel so much better, than I'm not the only one having these issues. It's sometimes nice to know that you aren't the only one out there in the world dealing with issues.

ramiroraghvan says:
Thu, 21st Oct 20109:01 pm

I drive myself crazy trying to help but it is not my problem, "adults need to face the consequences of their actions!

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Trueman Thounewit says:
Thu, 4th Nov 201011:30 am

So lets get this straight ok, you abandoned your relationship for reasons other than adultery, just admitted you only got into the relationship for the sole reason of "fix"ing someone and when you finally figured out you weren't as grandious as you figured you were, you decided to run away rather than bucking-up and acting like a moral adult and working at the relationship?

Swell… you are a real dependable person… I'm surprised the world-wide-internet police even let you post considering at any moment you might decide you can't fix everyone you are trying to convince to follow your advice and bail.

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