An Open Letter from an R.A.

By Emmy

Dear Residents,

Now that your boxes are unpacked and you’ve begun sneakily drinking and smoking illegal substances in your rooms, I feel it is time we had a little chat. There are a few things that we need to get clear right now so that we can all happily coexist for the remainder of the year.

I’d discuss all this in a hall meeting but it seems damn near impossible to find a time that works for everyone (even though we all agreed to that one time and then only 9 of you showed…awesome), so I’ll do it here instead. Lord knows you spend most of your day reading online anyway….

So here goes:

1.  I am NOT out to get you in trouble. In fact, I do everything I can to help you not get in trouble, because it makes my life easier. Every single time that I have to write somebody up for quiet hours violations, drinking in the dorms, or whatever stupid rule is being broken, that instantly translates to extra paperwork that I have to do. Plus, let’s face it (for the most part) I like my residents, and I don’t want to make your life any harder either. Not to mention that I don’t agree with these rules any more than you do. Seriously, why in the world should someone be sent to judicial for playing their music a little too loudly at night?! That’s bulls**t in my opinion, but I’m not the one who made the rules – I just got stuck enforcing them as part of my job.

2. I am not stupid. When I see you with a huge group of girlfriends, all wearing sequined tops & heels and walking out of the building at 11pm on a Saturday night, I know that you’re not going to the library or for a late night snack. Girl, please.

3. I am not your mom. I love you. Really, I do. But I am not your mom. Cut me a little bit of slack and realize that there are a lot more things in my life than (all 70 of) you. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you, it just means that I don’t have time to tell you how to get a sangria stain out of your shirt or help you find your cell phone.

4. I am not going to date you. Come on, boys. Regardless of how adorable and funny you are (and trust me, it seems like there are somehow more attractive new men in this freshman class than in the rest of our university as a whole), you’re still not worth me losing my job (and housing!). If you’re REALLY that in love with me, Facebook me next year.

5. Even though I sometimes wish I could, I am not going to party with you. Even if you have a bottle of Grey Goose hidden in your closet.

Look, at the end of the day I am here for you. I am happy to be your resource, whether you need someone to vent to about your roommate who doesn’t shower (I REALLY wish that that wasn’t a real life situation I’ve dealt with), if you need help with your Humanities homework, or you just need some chocolate and a shoulder to cry on when your boyfriend decides that long distance isn’t working anymore. That’s why I’m here, so use me. Just don’t abuse me.

XOXO,
You R.A.