Taylor Swift’s new CD, Speak Now, has been pre-released to critics for review and the feedback isn’t quite what you’d expect. Or maybe it is. If you have been waiting for naysayers to smash the album as another carbon copy of her previous hits- full of kissing in the rain, rides in trucks, fairytale endings, and high school drama- then you’ll be disappointed.
Surprisingly, high-level music critics are just like us: they love a little gossip. So when T.Swift released a collection of new material that smashes a whole new group of men, they tried to piece together the deadbeat target of each pop-y tune. And the results, once again, are a bit unexpected.
Remember when reputable media outlets like CNN Perez Hilton and The New York Times US Weekly reported that Swift might have been romantically tied to John Mayer? And how our eyes widened in shock? But then their duet “Half of my Heart” was released and we wrote their dinner dates off as work meetings? Looks like we may have been duped.
As is quite apparent in Taylor’s new song, “Dear John,” the two did in fact have a…(wait while I gag)…relationship. Need proof? Read the transparent lyrics here. Now that Tay has told all, do you think John will restart his Twitter account for a he-said/she-said account of the tune? Or maybe he’ll just call up his friends at Playboy or Rolling Stone and give another salacious, tell-all interview. We know he’s good for some heart-to-heart time with reporters.
Speaking of those infamous interviews, didn’t Swizzle Sticks (yeah, I’m coining new names) know of Mayer’s crazy dating past? When it comes to a guy who’s got a reputation for being an arrogant, contradictory, self-involved man whore, I don’t understand why any woman would want to get involved. And it’s not like he kept any of his private affairs…private. There’s no such thing as quietly failing in a relationship with John Mayer.
Swizz, girlfriend, for someone who doesn’t want guys to do bad things to you, you sure did mess with quite the Hollywood bad boy. Can’t say Jen, Jessica, and even John’s own candidness didn’t warn you.
Here I present to you the top reasons why Taylor just should’ve said no and avoided those teardrops on her guitar. Again.
And now, the prosecution would like to bring to the stand Mr. John Mayer.
“I’ve never been a bad boy. I may have taken someone through the wringer psychologically, but I’ve never been sinister.”
So basically what he’s saying is that he’s never physically beaten a woman, but he may have screwed with her head? How generous. He’s like the Ike Turner of emotional f*ckery.
“By the way, pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.”
Ladies, 300 vaginas. Try beating that. Also, sidebar, please tell me you didn’t sleep with him, Taylor. Gross.
“The brunt of [Jennifer Aniston’s] success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’…”
Yes, Jen, there are new rules. While you’re busy being old and crusty figuring out the tip for dinner on your abacus, John is wooing the world via 140 characters or less. A woman of your age should feel lucky some hot young gentleman would even show interest. Spinster.
“I can insert a tampon.”
Um. No thank you.
And on Jessica Simpson…
“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…”
Did he think it was a compliment to be referred to as sexual napalm? I mean, in certain scenarios it might be. Like in private. Or in a strip club where he’s stuffing ones into your g-string. But in an international publication? Not the best of judgment calls.
Yet, even with all this, women (and girls like Taylor Swift) keep opening their hearts and legs to this man. Why? Why?! WHEN WILL THEY LEARN!?