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Inside His Head: What Your Drink Says About You

[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don’t often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy’s got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Just like a psychic that can tell your future with Tarot cards or your palm, guys can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of drink she is having at a bar. And just like those crappy psychics with crystal balls, guys are often full of sh*t too, but here goes.

Note: I am using the bar as a setting rather than a house or frat party because it offers up more variety. The only variety you get at college parties is not what you’re drinking, but how you’re downing that Natty Light: upside down, through a funnel, or the traditional red cup. At your local bar, however, you can see everything from your down-to-earth non-light beer drinkers to the seemingly high-maintenance Cosmopolitan drinkers. Can both of these women be the same person on different nights? Sure, but not likely.

Guys know what they like also, but we’re a little shaky on our drink convictions. We pretty much drink what’s available or what everyone else is drinking. We like being part of the (wolf) pack. Primal instinct, I guess. And with this primal instinct comes the ability for men to predict certain kinds of personality traits based on the type of drink a women is having.

Now, there are way too many drinks and concoctions to go over all of them, so I will choose the most popular based on a recent Friday night research session at a local bar.

What follows is a gateway into the part of the male brain that is dedicated to women and bad decisions: the penis. OK, OK – I’m kidding. We do use our real brains (just not to their full potential at times), but we are wired differently so have an open mind and don’t get mad if the stiletto fits.

Cosmopolitans
When a guy sees a girl drinking a cosmo, the first thing that will come to his mind is, “uh oh, this girl is a prissy brat looking for someone to buy her drinks for the rest of the night.” Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain. Cosmos are sweet, pricey, and usually watered-down. The phrase “you are what you eat” (in this case drink) obviously comes to mind. Men think you are probably sweet, but pricey and with a watered-down personality. I don’t mean pricey like a hooker, but more like you appreciate nice things, material things. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but know beforehand that the cosmo in your hands is a sign that reads, “Sex and the City princess without the sex.”

Vodka Tonic
One part vodka, one part tonic water. Throw in a splash of lime if you’re feeling frisky and you have a simple, no frills drink that is tasty, but strong. It is no surprise that the description of a drink can also describe the drinker. With this drink in a woman’s hand, you can be sure of one thing: she’s not going to hold anything back. When I asked a 21-year-old woman what she thought about her vodka tonic, she replied, “it’s a little more rude than a cosmo, but straight up. Not fancy, just plain with a kick.” You can expect a woman with this drink to be more approachable and receptive to a guy’s opening line, but she will be quick to tell you whether or not she is interested. She is laid back and mature, but likes to have a good time. She gives the impression that she is also into health and her figure (this is the lowest calorie cocktail out there). Also, the type of vodka she chooses can reveal even more: If she chose the house vodka, she might not be as picky about her style of men; she’s attracted to whoever catches her eye. With premium vodka, she knows exactly what she wants and never settles for less.

Beer
When all else fails, the girl drinking beer will probably never let you down. This is the girl who you can party with and then hit Taco Bell with at 3 in the morning. She isn’t offended by the multitude of sexual innuendos and jokes that are inevitable when guys get together and drink. Guys are so comfortable with these types of women because they know they can expect a drama-free night, unlike with the quiet, cosmo drinkers huddled around a table in the corner. When guys think of a girl who drinks beer, the following descriptions come to mind: cool, down-to-earth, and one of the guys.

There is only one problem – guys say they want date someone like that, but they hardly ever do. These women are very likeable and easy to be around, but they have the tendency of falling into the dangerous friend zone. This slippery slope can wreak havoc on your dating life because while you’re puking your guts out from all that fun beer pong, the guy you secretly like is trying to pick up the hot, girly cosmo drinker during last call (smart fellow waited until it was last call so he wouldn’t have to spend money on all those damn expensive cocktails).

Shots
This is probably the most controversial description for two reasons. The first one is because women hate it when men judge them based on the superficial. (Women call it superficial, we call it deductive reasoning.) Second, women don’t want to admit to being that girl dancing on the bar in her bra with guys throwing dollar bills at her (the same girl you and your girlfriends will gossip about on Monday morning). No woman wants to be called a slut. Not even sluts like being called sluts. It is important that you know what men are thinking, though, so I will have to be the one to break the news to you:

Tequila, Jager, Kamikazes, Fuzzy Navels, and the vastly offensive yet tasty Red-Headed Slut – all great shots that lead to bad decisions and great morning-after stories. If you’re a woman taking shots like a champ, you might as well wear a bullseye on your back. Men think you’re a slut. Girls taking shots at a bar makes a girl with a tramp stamp look more prude than Taylor Swift. For you it might just mean that you are celebrating or had a really long day, which is fine. But celebrating and that really long day ended around shot #7. Men, on the other hand, are thinking one thing: this is a woman looking to do something or someone crazy and not remember it the next day.

Wine
Red or white, wine will always mean sophistication, maturity, and a low tolerance for bullshit. Men tread lightly around a women drinking wine at a bar. The glass of wine tells men that she knows how to pace herself, but with the right company, the glasses will keep coming and alcohol will do what it does best. The wine-drinker enjoys a good conversation, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about something deep like existentialism. As long as it’s engaging, she will stay along for the ride.

Could I be completely off on these descriptions? Of course. If you’re a female beer drinker, you might be reading this and saying to yourself, “I hook up plenty with my guy friends and just because I like to drink beer doesn’t mean I’m not feminine enough.” You’re right, it doesn’t. But, like with all the other drink types, there might be women out there who have consistently thought they were sending a different message or no message at all with their drink.

This isn’t a scientific approach to personality profiling. It is, however, a blunt assessment of how most guys think when it comes to women and their drink of choice. Men are lazy. We use anything in our brains that helps us cut corners and make decisions quicker (things like past experiences, movies, stupid sh*t our friends say, and even superficial things like drinks). Have some fun with this and use it on guys. Next time you go out with your girlfriends to a bar, play around with this and see what kind of guy each drink attracts.

It’s worth a shot.

Cesar-University of FloridaCOLLEGECANDY Writer
ADHD test subject with a knack for the vernacular of the broken-hearted and the hopeless romantics.