Inside His Head: What Your Drink Says About You

October 21, 2010 3:00 pm     Posted in Reality  Cesar-University of Florida g+ page


By Cesar

[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Just like a psychic that can tell your future with Tarot cards or your palm, guys can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of drink she is having at a bar. And just like those crappy psychics with crystal balls, guys are often full of sh*t too, but here goes.

Note: I am using the bar as a setting rather than a house or frat party because it offers up more variety. The only variety you get at college parties is not what you’re drinking, but how you’re downing that Natty Light: upside down, through a funnel, or the traditional red cup. At your local bar, however, you can see everything from your down-to-earth non-light beer drinkers to the seemingly high-maintenance Cosmopolitan drinkers. Can both of these women be the same person on different nights? Sure, but not likely.

Guys know what they like also, but we’re a little shaky on our drink convictions. We pretty much drink what’s available or what everyone else is drinking. We like being part of the (wolf) pack. Primal instinct, I guess. And with this primal instinct comes the ability for men to predict certain kinds of personality traits based on the type of drink a women is having.

Now, there are way too many drinks and concoctions to go over all of them, so I will choose the most popular based on a recent Friday night research session at a local bar.

What follows is a gateway into the part of the male brain that is dedicated to women and bad decisions: the penis. OK, OK – I’m kidding. We do use our real brains (just not to their full potential at times), but we are wired differently so have an open mind and don’t get mad if the stiletto fits.

Cosmopolitans
When a guy sees a girl drinking a cosmo, the first thing that will come to his mind is, “uh oh, this girl is a prissy brat looking for someone to buy her drinks for the rest of the night.” Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain. Cosmos are sweet, pricey, and usually watered-down. The phrase “you are what you eat” (in this case drink) obviously comes to mind. Men think you are probably sweet, but pricey and with a watered-down personality. I don’t mean pricey like a hooker, but more like you appreciate nice things, material things. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but know beforehand that the cosmo in your hands is a sign that reads, “Sex and the City princess without the sex.”

Vodka Tonic
One part vodka, one part tonic water. Throw in a splash of lime if you’re feeling frisky and you have a simple, no frills drink that is tasty, but strong. It is no surprise that the description of a drink can also describe the drinker. With this drink in a woman’s hand, you can be sure of one thing: she’s not going to hold anything back. When I asked a 21-year-old woman what she thought about her vodka tonic, she replied, “it’s a little more rude than a cosmo, but straight up. Not fancy, just plain with a kick.” You can expect a woman with this drink to be more approachable and receptive to a guy’s opening line, but she will be quick to tell you whether or not she is interested. She is laid back and mature, but likes to have a good time. She gives the impression that she is also into health and her figure (this is the lowest calorie cocktail out there). Also, the type of vodka she chooses can reveal even more: If she chose the house vodka, she might not be as picky about her style of men; she’s attracted to whoever catches her eye. With premium vodka, she knows exactly what she wants and never settles for less.

Beer
When all else fails, the girl drinking beer will probably never let you down. This is the girl who you can party with and then hit Taco Bell with at 3 in the morning. She isn’t offended by the multitude of sexual innuendos and jokes that are inevitable when guys get together and drink. Guys are so comfortable with these types of women because they know they can expect a drama-free night, unlike with the quiet, cosmo drinkers huddled around a table in the corner. When guys think of a girl who drinks beer, the following descriptions come to mind: cool, down-to-earth, and one of the guys.

There is only one problem – guys say they want date someone like that, but they hardly ever do. These women are very likeable and easy to be around, but they have the tendency of falling into the dangerous friend zone. This slippery slope can wreak havoc on your dating life because while you’re puking your guts out from all that fun beer pong, the guy you secretly like is trying to pick up the hot, girly cosmo drinker during last call (smart fellow waited until it was last call so he wouldn’t have to spend money on all those damn expensive cocktails).

Shots
This is probably the most controversial description for two reasons. The first one is because women hate it when men judge them based on the superficial. (Women call it superficial, we call it deductive reasoning.) Second, women don’t want to admit to being that girl dancing on the bar in her bra with guys throwing dollar bills at her (the same girl you and your girlfriends will gossip about on Monday morning). No woman wants to be called a slut. Not even sluts like being called sluts. It is important that you know what men are thinking, though, so I will have to be the one to break the news to you:

Tequila, Jager, Kamikazes, Fuzzy Navels, and the vastly offensive yet tasty Red-Headed Slut – all great shots that lead to bad decisions and great morning-after stories. If you’re a woman taking shots like a champ, you might as well wear a bullseye on your back. Men think you’re a slut. Girls taking shots at a bar makes a girl with a tramp stamp look more prude than Taylor Swift. For you it might just mean that you are celebrating or had a really long day, which is fine. But celebrating and that really long day ended around shot #7. Men, on the other hand, are thinking one thing: this is a woman looking to do something or someone crazy and not remember it the next day.

Wine
Red or white, wine will always mean sophistication, maturity, and a low tolerance for bullshit. Men tread lightly around a women drinking wine at a bar. The glass of wine tells men that she knows how to pace herself, but with the right company, the glasses will keep coming and alcohol will do what it does best. The wine-drinker enjoys a good conversation, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about something deep like existentialism. As long as it’s engaging, she will stay along for the ride.

Could I be completely off on these descriptions? Of course. If you’re a female beer drinker, you might be reading this and saying to yourself, “I hook up plenty with my guy friends and just because I like to drink beer doesn’t mean I’m not feminine enough.” You’re right, it doesn’t. But, like with all the other drink types, there might be women out there who have consistently thought they were sending a different message or no message at all with their drink.

This isn’t a scientific approach to personality profiling. It is, however, a blunt assessment of how most guys think when it comes to women and their drink of choice. Men are lazy. We use anything in our brains that helps us cut corners and make decisions quicker (things like past experiences, movies, stupid sh*t our friends say, and even superficial things like drinks). Have some fun with this and use it on guys. Next time you go out with your girlfriends to a bar, play around with this and see what kind of guy each drink attracts.

It’s worth a shot.

43 Comments on "Inside His Head: What Your Drink Says About You"

  1. yoodora says:
    Thu, 21st Oct 201010:51 am 

    What if the woman drinks one of everything? :P

  2. Anna says:
    Thu, 21st Oct 201011:35 am 

    God, the beer thing is so true. I just love beer so much…

  3. Claire says:
    Thu, 21st Oct 201012:42 pm 

    What about gin and tonic? A guy once called my choice of drink "refined for a fresher" (I'm in uni in the UK), but the truth is I just like the taste! The fact that it's cheap doesn't hurt either :)

  4. Colleen says:
    Fri, 22nd Oct 20109:46 am 

    Beer is definitely my drink of choice. I don't think I've ever turned down whiskey, though. What do you think of a soco lime drink or jack & coke for girls?

  5. Kayci says:
    Fri, 22nd Oct 201011:25 am 

    I drink Jack & Ginger (or Jack and Coke), and more than one guy has told me my drink is intimidating. Apparently a girl who likes her whiskey is a little too hardcore for most guys.

  6. Tunasammich says:
    Fri, 22nd Oct 20107:56 pm 

    How about I drink whatever the f I want and if a guy is going to judge me based on that he can piss up a rope?

  7. Sara says:
    Fri, 22nd Oct 20108:04 pm 

    Tunasammich, you are right on. I agree.

  8. Cindermoth says:
    Fri, 22nd Oct 20109:36 pm 

    So all it takes to get men like you to leave us the fuck alone is to drink cosmos? Wow, thanks!

  9. Finbarr says:
    Fri, 22nd Oct 20109:36 pm 

    I'm not sure why women would want to attract the kind of asshole that uses this 'deductive reasoning' anyway.

  10. Rick Waters says:
    Sat, 23rd Oct 201012:44 pm 

    "CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there". Evidently, not much. Does anybody really take this kind of catagorizing seriously? My daughter showed me your your Blog site, and Cesar's contribution. My first reaction was that Cesar's little essay was so bone-headed that it must be a joke, like the Onion. But apparantly not. Ladies, you'll make youselves very unhappy if you take it seriously.

  11. Meg says:
    Sun, 24th Oct 20109:10 am 

    This article could be an ad for fancy, expensive mixed drinks. Drink cosmos at the bar, and douchebags will leave you alone! It's expensive, but YOU KNOW you're worth it!

  12. Claire says:
    Mon, 25th Oct 20103:39 am 

    Add me to the list of women who will be drinking Cosmos in the hopes that losers like the author will leave me alone!

  13. Cesar says:
    Mon, 25th Oct 201011:35 am 

    Wow, it sounds like the bullseye is on me. Talk about killing the messenger. I am not sure whether some of you are taking me way too seriously or you really are that naive about how men think. The first couple of comments I think understood what I was getting at-Men are not saints and we can be idiots. The part of the male brain that relates to women is probably the most primal and underdeveloped. Even the most confident and intelligent man can turn into a bumbling idiot when talking to a woman he is attracted to. Women, including all of you commenting, have what we want whether it be companionship or sex. So, we do stupid things like talk about girl types based on drinks. My articles are no different than the ones in magazines and blogs like Cosmopolitan about men. The only difference is that I don't have a PhD and my main goal is to shed some light on guys with laughter.

    Btw, I never said that I go after women who drink Cosmos. My Wife drinks different things based on her mood and I'm attracted to her no matter what she drinks ;)

  14. Cesar says:
    Mon, 25th Oct 201012:37 pm 

    FOLLOW UP:

    Some women will drink different things depending on her mood. They typically will do this when they haven’t found their ultimate drink of choice- you know, the one that isn’t too expensive, too strong, and doesn’t give you a bad hangover. If the woman literally “drinks one of everything,” then she is going to get hammered so watch out.

    Gin and tonic- Very tasty and old school. I don’t see gin being drunk by younger people too much, especially women, so you will definitely stand out from the crowd. I would say that you are probably into older guys and similar to the vodka tonic drinker.

    Soco and lime- This is one of those drinks that is more fun to say then to drink. Soco may be appealing to women because it is made with a lot of different ingredients like sugar, peach, cinnamon, vanilla, and orange. This is a drink you have when you don’t want to get that messed up, but don’t want to be the only one without a drink at the bar. It tells men that you have other things on your mind right now and probably not interested in small talk. Either that or you’re on a cruise and everyone is fair game.

    Jack D. combos- Yes, a woman that drinks whiskey can be intimidating, but in a good way. A woman that likes whiskey drinks shows confidence, which is sexy. This woman will call you on your BS in a heartbeat, but will have your back when you need it. She is fun and adventurous and more than likely loves the outdoors. She can handle her liquor better than most guys and doesn’t care about antiquated social rules when it comes to dating. If the conversation matches the looks, don’t be surprised if she picks up the guy instead of waiting for his move.

  15. LilRedofdahood says:
    Tue, 26th Oct 20102:10 am 

    what about an amaretto sour. thats my drink of choice, love the taste. so what does this drink say about women.

  16. Cesar says:
    Tue, 26th Oct 20108:13 am 

    Well, LilRedofdahood. I think a guy would be more interested in your username than your drink, but that's a different story, lol.

    Amaretto sour- I am not too sure about this one. I mean, I've seen the commercials for this so it might be influencing my thought process, but I'm thinking you're similar to the soco and lime drinker. The woman is flirty, fun, and intelligent, but it makes me think she might be a little bit older. I don' mean like 40, but late 20's or at least more mature than most college women.

  17. Francoise says:
    Wed, 27th Oct 201010:14 am 

    How about the black russian?

    Kahlua coffee liqueur + vodka = intense much?

    I love this drink as much as vodka tonic.

    I guess you're pretty spot-on with the "stereotypes", but a girl who feels pretty on a special night out with her girls will easily have a Cosmo, or a beer when it's football night, or a Whiskey coke when she's feeling a little rough-and-tumble.

    So you probably need to be stalking the same few girls to be able to REALLY tell what's her "usual" drink. Either that or you are the bartender.

  18. Cesar says:
    Wed, 27th Oct 201010:43 am 

    bartender :)

  19. ArthurZ says:
    Wed, 27th Oct 201012:40 pm 

    Love the article, its pretty bang on I'd say. You gotta love the girls that "pretend" like they're that cosmo or mix drink girl but than after holding back for a few, their inner JD or shot persona comes out and they let loose :)

  20. Dan says:
    Thu, 28th Oct 20106:06 am 

    I am a guy and I totally a gree with this dude's deductions. Personally I have a "first date" bar where I typically bring all the girls I have met out for the getting to know the not so drunk you phase of the relationship and I actually have a system worked out with the bartender. The trick that I use is when the girl orders a drink (normally the girls I tend to go after are the beer drinkers) the bartender will offer them a glass for their bottle; now if the girl takes the glass I automatically think shes a little too high maintence for myself. This notion will be in my mind for the rest of the evening (that is until the girl proves me wrong or completely confirms my suspicion and then the thought turns to how can i end this date with the possibility of still getting some action but not having to deal with a bunch of annoying texting for the next week so I don't feel like a complete piece of sh*t.) Thats being perfectly blunt ladies. I am a firm believer in drink profiling, just as many of the girls where I live (Long Island) are firm believers in scoping out everything a guys wearing (and judging how much the outfit cost) before even thinking of responding to his overtly obvious ice breaker. Oh and while I'm on the topic ladies when we come over to talk to you at the bar we're not doing to make another friend, believe me we have enough already.

  21. Little miss Blue says:
    Mon, 1st Nov 20108:08 am 

    Dan, I don't think drinking from a glass or from a bottle makes that much of a difference. I personally like it from the bottle, but it wouldn't bother me to have a glass every once in a while.

    ..Loved the article, women get a little offensive though. Gotta be open minded and accept what men think about us… after all, we all want to know what's in their heads

  22. Chrissy says:
    Wed, 3rd Nov 201011:16 am 

    @Dan

    if it's a Stella or a Guiness, she's right on to get a glass – that's an educated beer drinker!

    I thought it was a neat article, true in many ways – htough it's simplistic.

    I love my Myers & Diet, it's like the combo of a Jack and Coke and the vodka tonic drinker :) Granted I think most of my intimidation factor comes from guys thinking I'm drinking Jack and Coke

  23. brittany says:
    Wed, 3rd Nov 20103:20 pm 

    My drink of choice is the dirty martini. In my experience, all this says about me is that I like "gross" drinks.

  24. April Maria says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 201010:11 pm 

    what about southern comfort and red lemonade? i also drink sweet martini and white or rose wine.

  25. California says:
    Sun, 14th Nov 20105:59 pm 

    I can't help but laugh at this article. How can you judge a person based off their choice of drink? Every person is different…their tastes vary accordingly to what mood they might be in. You cannot judge a girl based on her choice of alcohol. Come on you can write a more concurrent article in regards to analyzing college-aged men.

  26. jaine says:
    Mon, 15th Nov 201010:48 pm 

    Wow, that's pretty dumb. I'm a pro at taking shots and I'm basically the opposite of slutty. Maybe men should change their perceptions and judgements before I alter my behavior (or worry about being judged for it).

  27. rita hateworth says:
    Tue, 16th Nov 201012:46 pm 

    Bourbon, neat — this should tell you that I could give a fuck what you think of me.

  28. Laura says:
    Tue, 16th Nov 20104:13 pm 

    I like whiskey and coke (I'm a girl). What category am I in? I'm thinking closer to the girl that drinks vodka tonic. Another drink that I like is cranberry vodka. However, since I'm a lightweight, I stick to beer when I go out – it takes me a little longer to get tipsy, and I can pace myself (I also don't like to drink myself into oblivion)

  29. Laura says:
    Tue, 16th Nov 20104:20 pm 

    Sorry, I wrote the comment above before I read all the other comments – someone earlier described me to a T – I do call guys on their bullshit, and many guys told me I'm an interesting and refreshing person. However, I'm still single :) . But I'm working on it :) . Whiskey and coke was my favorite drink since I was 12…

  30. Arlen says:
    Wed, 17th Nov 20101:29 pm 

    Jesus Christ, lighten up girls. I'm sure if this article was on cosmo.com and had a list of ten thousand ways to judge a man by the most random innocuous thing he says or does during a day, you'd all be co-signing and no one would consider it inappropriate.

  31. Moe says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 20104:42 pm 

    i think you mean defensive

  32. EFlo says:
    Wed, 24th Nov 20105:35 pm 

    Generally, the types of bars I go to, the women who order wine are the expensive snots. Who goes to a brewery and orders a friggin glass of wine??

  33. Buzz says:
    Sun, 28th Nov 20105:24 pm 

    For got one — the Cougar. She has her back tot he wall and watching the room where the lights are not too bright and is drinking a Gimlet.

  34. Carnelian says:
    Tue, 30th Nov 20108:32 pm 

    This article is pretty much right on; I'm the beer girl (Hacker Pschorr is my fav) who listens to my guy friends talking about girls at the bar all night. Guys like girls who are doing shots and in fact buy girls more shots for the exact reason listed in the article. There certainly are exceptions, but the vast majority of women doing shots all night are more than willing to lose their clothing at the end of it. Sorry ladies, more than a couple of shots makes you look like a slut (or like you are willing to play the part for the evening anyway) and therefore more attractive to most of the guys at the bar.

    If you don't like the guys at the bar profiling you based on what you drink, then the smart thing to do might be to stop trying to meet that special someone at a bar. Guys that come up and talk to you at the bar are not trying to be your friend; most of them are looking to get a piece and the drink in your hand tells them how likely they are to get it.

  35. Carnelian says:
    Tue, 30th Nov 20108:46 pm 

    Dude, if a girl ever finds out that the place you took her for the first date is the same place you take EVERY girl for a first date you might end up with her beer dumped on you! This would, by the way, be much more effective from a glass than a bottle.

    I totally agree with your line about friendly guys not wanting to be friends. I can't believe how many girls think a guy coming up to them at the bar is either totally into them as a unique and special individual or "just wants to be friends."

  36. Eva D. Struction says:
    Sat, 4th Dec 201011:35 am 

    It was supposed to be amusing and thought-provoking and it worked!

  37. Trapped in bars of straight hair or tangled in my curls says:
    Tue, 20th Nov 20129:06 pm 

    I hadn’t read this in a while..

  38. Colocha says:
    Thu, 22nd Nov 20122:55 pm 

    I liked the Vodka Tonic part. Now, what if a girl drinks vodka on the rocks instead? or just plain scotch?

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