Jersey Shore: She’s Phony, He’s Fake!

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Other than, “OH YEAH, EVERGLADES, YEAH” it was really difficult for me to take anything away from last night’s episode of Jersey Shore. Are we seriously dealing with a finale right now? I would’ve rather been watching South Park’s ripoff of the Jersey cast…. a la beast Snooki screaming “SNOOKI WANT SMOOSH SMOOSH!”

Seriously, the Everglades? How funny is it to confuse a crocodile with an alligator? Although I will admit the added dinosaur noises (and I don’t mean the ones coming from Sammi) to the whole Everglades event with the alligator attacking the airboat were amusing. And I don’t doubt that the bugs are bigger than Snooki….

And then the crew headed back for South Beach, after the frog-legs incident, and things took a turn for the boring.

The Last Day in Miami

Romana from Ramonia errrrr Ramona from Romania… She’s being flaky wah wah wah Vinny is let down. Come on Vin, what did you expect from this MTV casted bimbo? Date thing happens with Romania and Vin. Wah wah wah. Boo hoo. Pauly and Rocio go through some similar date occurrence. Except we like Rocio way better. And we question Pauly’s sexuality for not smooshing her. Disappointing. Maybe because she’s not Canadian? Or Israeli?

Ron and Sam Fight Again Annoying dinner conversation. Sammi is psycho/possessive, Ron is stupid/ego-maniacal. Nobody cares. Kick these two pieces of trash off the show. Boring and pointless. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Then they dance together at a club to “Beat That Beat Up” by DJ Pauly D.

Vinny and the Threesome Two grenades want a threesome (Situationsome) and Vinny is too stuck on Romania to deal. So Sitch scoops up Vin’s sloopy seconds (again) and makes out with the uggos in the bathroom stall. Classy.

JWoww Cleans the Kitchen She’d rather be at the beach, but she takes one for the team and cleans out the decaying lasagna, rigatoni and pastrami or whatever Vinny’s mom made for everyone.

“Great I’m here to help you! I’m here because I want to!” (RE: Snooki making tacos) I f**king hate Sammi. Seriously. Get out. Nobody likes you. Go back to the bathroom, shower incessantly and straighten your hair 24/7. You bring nothing to the table other than playing with your eyebrows.

The Trophy to who did the LEAST in the house: Sammi Sweetheart.

The Yearbook Game: Who’s the most likely to get skin cancer? Everyone!!! HAHAHAHHA! Who’s a follower? “Vinny” (- The Situation)…. uhhhhh, oooookay. The Situation opens up his jealousy on Vin yet again. Then JWoww outs The Situation as the “Fakest,” then the Situation runs interrogation on people. Since Angelina’s absence, there’s no scapegoat. Things shift from Jenni to Snooki and I begin to wonder what’s on other channels and if my Reunion part 2 of the Real Housewives of D.C. taped.

Hottub Interrogation Jenni tells the Situation that she heard that Pauly said that she was fake? Wait, what? I’m so confused. Mostly on why Ed Hardy produced so many trucker hats. Also, what’s with Sitch’s haircut? This is getting so dramatic. WHY ARE WE YELLING? I feel like this is The Hills. When is it over? Where’s Angelina? I miss Karma.

Nobody’s Fake Who’s fake? You’re fake! She’s fake? I never said she’s fake! I never said anyone’s fake! Mike said a question who is fake in the house? Pauly’s veins start coming out of his neck and his head and we long for the days of him yelling “OHH YEAH CHAMPAGNE YEAHHH!” Thank god Bebe sweatpants are still being worn because I was pretty sure that company was out of business.

“My blood pressure’s off the roof” I wish I could say the same, Snooks. This episode has me totally flat-lining.

More screaming. More unnecessary drama. I wish I didn’t have to say this but: I miss Angelina. She’s totes the Jenny Humphrey (with a bigger mouth and cleaner hair).

Weak finale, J.Shore. Weak indeed.

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