I think we can all agree: getting dumped sucks. Especially when you don’t see it coming. One minute you’ve got a partner in crime, someone to hold your legs as you go for that keg stand record, and the next your cruising the dining hall’s breakfast buffet solo. And what’s more depressing than making an omelet all by yourself? Making two, like you’re used to, but wolfing both down without the help of your best dude.
Well, ladies, I can’t convince this guy to stick with you. But I can help you recognize some of the signs that your time as one half of your favorite duo is about to expire. What’s that they say about the best defense being a good offense? Well, I say the best defense is knowing you’re getting dumped so you can be drunk when it happens.
Here we go. You might want to start drinking if…
He stops returning calls/emails/texts/sexts.
So you send him a late night “I want you in my bed. Naked. Now.” and it goes unanswered. No response. Then you follow it up with something a little more descriptive. Nada. And finally you resort to pix message. Still no answer. Either your dude is dead (unlikely) or he just doesn’t really care how good your boobs look in the warm glow of your cell phone.
He avoids important conversations.
You’ve been feeling a little neglected lately and you suggest a State of the Union talk over drinks at your place. Nothing major, no pressure. Just making sure you’re still on the same page. You think it’s important, he insists going on a Wednesday night bender with his buddies is more important. You’d like a little clarification on things now, he’s suggesting it’s not needed and that he’ll gchat you some time next week. You still care about him, he regrets dating you more than his weak fantasy draft picks.
He devotes more time to his schoolwork than to your relationship.
This is a tricky one. I bet you’re thinking it’s a good thing if your guy is devoted to his scholarly endeavors. It is. But no one can simultaneously work towards a degree in advanced neuroscience and also win Boyfriend of the Year. It’s an either or scenario, and you’ll likely be the odd man out.
He’s cheating on you with another dude.
He’s probably gay. And you’re probably getting dumped.
He picks fights over insignificant issues.
Why’d you leave his basketball outside? Why do you have to go to the gym at the same effing time that he does? Why do you have to breathe so loudly? Why the f*ck do you always text your whore of a roommate!? If he’s going from Romeo to Chris Brown in thirty seconds, I’m not sure if he’ll dump you…but you might want to dump him.