Are You ACTUALLY Ready For Love?

November 4, 2010 5:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Kira Sabin g+ page


By Kira Sabin

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, ladies.]

At any give time since I was about 14, I thought I was ready to fall in love.  Through high school crushes, adult heartbreaks and many others in between, I always stuck to the idea that I wanted to fall in love and be in a real relationship but yet seemed to be jinxed.  Unlucky.  A hopeless disaster.  I even had a few years where the old song “But Not For Me” was my theme song.  I laughed about it with friends, joked about it with strangers and secretly would cry about it alone.

A few weeks ago, I went back to my alma mater for my college reunion and it brought back the memory of a pretty embarrassing moment that reminded me of time when I felt that love was “not for me.”  But really, it was. I just wasn’t ready….

I met J through my friend Beth junior year.  She was “dating” one of his friends and he and I got stuck hanging out at after bars when they would sneak off to “date.”  J was from the area and had moved back after college so he was a little older. (OK, 25 is not really older and the elderly jokes were probably pretty inappropriate…)  He was cool, funny, a photographer and easy on the eyes.  I instantly liked everything about him.  We started hanging out.

He was different from boys my age.  He actually asked me to do things.  Real things.  He would take me to dinner and have conversations about stuff that didn’t have to do with school.  He even drove me a few hours away to visit my best friend in Madison.  We always had great conversations and he made me think outside of my college bubble. It was refreshing, delightful and SCARY AS HELL!

I don’t know when it happened but all of a sudden, I got nervous.  Real nervous.  It hit me that I could actually like this guy.  Not just like him from far away or have an unrequited crush on a guy friend that I knew would never turn into anything.   In all of those situations my heart was safe. I could actually LIKE, LIKE HIM.  So I did what any sane woman would do: I blew him off.  That’s right, I just stopped answering and returning his calls.  Awesome, right?  I know, I am really proud.

Months later, I finally grew the nerve to sheepishly smile and say hello when I saw him out. I felt terrible and feared that he hated me. In fact, it took until I was writing this very article for me to finally apologize on Facebook. Still a little douchey, I know.

It seems almost laughable to me now how much I was the loser in that scenario.  I always blamed love, but it wasn’t love’s fault; it was me who acted like an 8th grader and stopped taking his calls.  It was me who didn’t realize that great guys like him don’t actually grow on trees or come along every day.  It was me who watched him a few months later start dating my dormroom neighbor, eventually marry her and have an adorable son.  I, who most of college, bitched with my friends every day about being single, didn’t put on the big girl pants when something great actually showed up.

Before becoming a full-fledged dating coach, I had to do some pretty dark digging to really step back and become aware of why I was single when most of my friends weren’t.  That process brought me back to J and many others like him.  At any given moment that I was  ”looking for love” great guys were showing up, it is just that I wasn’t ACTUALLY ready for them.  I always had lots of excuses (he is too nice, I am not sure I really feel the spark or some other bullsh*t) that didn’t really allow me to give them a chance.  Plus, there was always a cute, clever guys around the corner that had zero interest in committing to me.  Don’t worry though – I would stick around awhile, hoping that they would come to their senses and realize how amazing I was.  Meanwhile, I never came to MY senses and realized how great the nice guys were.  The ones who cared about my day, listened to my problems, called when they said they would and genuinely were interested in creating a relationship with me.  Not some “are we dating or just hooking up” sh*t.

So ladies, I pour my heart out in these articles to help you step back in your own lives and ask yourselves: are YOU ACTUALLY READY FOR LOVE or are you hitting your head against the wall crushing on guys that are never going to go anywhere?  Dating a**holes and hoping you are happy?  Sitting, waiting for texts that may or may not come?  Saying “but I love him” knowing on the inside that nothing you have resembles love?

Here are a few questions to ask yourselves to find out if you are ready for love:
1. Are the type of guys I am attracted to capable of creating a good relationship with me?
2. Have I ever let a great guy go because I was too nervous or scared?
3. Do I like myself enough to be in a good relationship?

Not to get all cheesy, but love isn’t going to let you down.  When you keep an open mind and love yourself, great guys are going to come around.  Your job is to put on the big girl pants and find the strength to accept it when it does.  It is the best thing you could ever do.  But don’t worry if you aren’t ready quite yet; that is OK too.  Just work on liking yourself, finding out what you like and don’t like, and seeing the “diamonds in the rough.”  And make sure you stay away from becoming a Bitter Betty while you figure it all out.

Trust me, if you let it, love will show up.

Need help to get ready for love? Get all of Kira’s advice right here. Or check out Crush Camp on Kira’s new college love advice site www.thecollegecrush.com.  It’s the second best thing you will ever do.

134 Comments on "Are You ACTUALLY Ready For Love?"

  1. Charlotte says:
    Thu, 4th Nov 201012:38 pm 

    oh my god, i think you just described my life.

    i can relate to this so much.

    thank you so much for this amazing advice!!

    Charlotte

    girlnextdoorfashion.net

  2. Sarah says:
    Thu, 4th Nov 20101:10 pm 

    Thanks so much. Just what I needed to hear. You're right, great guys don't just come along- so when they do, you really should cherish what you could have.

    And guys that don't have love potential? Why waste your time with those? Why do we think that being is a mediocre non-love relationship would be better than being single? You really just made me think… in a good way :) So thanks a ton!

  3. krystle says:
    Thu, 4th Nov 20105:13 pm 

    you're basically…

    preaching to the choir, hit it on the nail, bull eye..

    can i make myself clearer? ..lol

    my dilemma – nice guy vs physical attraction.

    not to sound shallow, but i think some physical attraction is important..right? but maybe i need i new plan, because i tend to go for the ass holes that you speak of

  4. Anna says:
    Thu, 4th Nov 20108:49 pm 

    Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic said it best

    "There're some things I know for certain. Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Plant lavender for luck. And fall in love whenever you can."

  5. Kira the Dating Coac says:
    Fri, 5th Nov 20107:08 am 

    Thanks Ladies,

    Being lucky enough to talk college ladies every day I thought this was a good reminder. Glad you enjoy it!

  6. Cass says:
    Fri, 5th Nov 201012:58 pm 

    Much as I generally agree, what about the guys you 'don't feel the spark with'? They can be great guys, sweet, smart, all that – but is waiting around on them any better if you're only half-interested?

  7. Kira the Dating Coac says:
    Fri, 5th Nov 20102:07 pm 

    @Cass

    That is a great question (and one I was expecting as I typed that:)

    The question I want everyone to ask themselves is that a guy is great, sweet, funny, cute, smart why are you NOT attracted to them? I do understand phermones, chemicals and chemistry, but sometimes there are bigger reasons that women are not attracted to these guys. Sometimes, no matter what, it just isn't there….but I think it is important to take a step back and think about it.

    Hope that helps!

  8. Christina says:
    Tue, 9th Nov 20101:57 am 

    Wow!! this describes me. Every guy that has no intention of committing is the guy i go after while leaving the nice and sweet guys out in the cold. Thanks for the article

  9. Claudia says:
    Tue, 9th Nov 20103:31 am 

    This article just made me realise how I am soooooo not ready for love, and I am the girl you describe in your first few paragraphs!!
    I'm off to put on my big-girl pants :)

  10. Dee says:
    Tue, 9th Nov 201010:25 am 

    @ Kira

    You are amazing! I love how this article actually says something useful. In response to this post though, why do you think a girl can rarely be attracted to anyone? I mean, all of the girls around me like guys that I cannot imagine myself with, I just see all of these guys as immature despite the fact that other girls don't think so. So what do you mean by bigger reasons? What do you think is bigger than chemistry that can be putting one off? Is it about not being ready or not finding Mr. Right?

  11. Dee says:
    Tue, 9th Nov 201010:26 am 

    This is it Krystle, you summed it up perfectly!

  12. s says:
    Wed, 10th Nov 20103:48 pm 

    Not always.
    There are the guys who care about your day, who text you all the time, who worry if you haven't had lunch yet, who pick you up at midnight if you ask them to, who do everything for you and say they like you, but then they don't want to commit to you even when you don't run away (the reason here is irrelevant).

  13. Kira the Dating Coach says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20105:05 pm 

    @Dee
    Thanks for the love!

    When I say bigger reasons, here is what I am talking about and I will try to not get to psychoanalytical. Lots of times we find what we are attracted or not attracted to because of what we feel our worth is. It is hard to be with someone who really, really likes you if you are not liking yourself. It can make you feel uncomfortable and be downright scary since that relationship has real potential…and real potential for hurt.

    Many times it can be a lot easier to be attracted to someone who is exciting, keeps you guessing and makes you feel like he is a bigger catch than the guy who is yours for the taking. Doesn't a $200 pair of jeans that you had to work for seem like it is worth more than a $30 pair from Old Navy? The problem is that although that person seems exciting, does he really demonstrate qualities to have a relationship with (which is usually the point to most people dating)? He may be hot and fun but does he call consistently? At the end of the day do you know where he stand? Do you know if it is just you or is he also texting and hooking up with others. Becuase in a good relationship the excitement will wear off but be replaced by love, respect, communication and more. The really good stuff where you can feel good and grow as a person.

    Make sense?

  14. Mary says:
    Sun, 21st Nov 20103:10 pm 

    this has really really made me think and i think it's a very accurate thing that you're describing. thank you!

  15. jim says:
    Fri, 3rd Dec 20109:36 am 

    wow you are so intelligent Kira, that's what the girls could ask themselves before complaining

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  21. Aubreeyah lexi lynn says:
    Thu, 15th Mar 20128:51 pm 

    I say yhes and no to the first question
    Yhea
    And i think so
    I guess i thought i was ready but in reaolity im not. Oi sam currently in love with someone but it diesnt mean thavim ready for that serious qnd long relationship.

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