Gossip Girl: Everyone Sucks on the UES

I want to be that robe. Or that cookie. Or that duvet.

Like most people, after seeing the commercials for Gossip Girl promising loads of Blair and Chuck hate sex, I was beyond excited. While I usually DVR the episode and watch it later in the evening to avoid those pesky commercial breaks, I couldn’t stand to wait another minute so I <gasp> watched it live (with many of you!).

By Lauren

….and I was more disappointed than that time I hooked up with my high school crush and he kept saying “baseball, baseball, baseball” for the duration of the (3 minute) dalliance.

I don’t know what those Gossip Girl writers are smoking over there at CW HQ but it must be laced with something bad because this show has turned into the worst piece of crap in TV history. Seriously, I think I’d rather watch a Hoarders marathon than this dribble. This episode just makes me so angry. When it finally ended and I finished picking popcorn kernels out of my teeth, I hated everyone. Everyone! (Especially Orville Redenbacher.)

Rufus:
There are starving children in Africa. Must you waste so many waffles when it’s just you and Dan eating breakfast?

Serena:
I’m pretty sure the song “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” was written with Serena van der Woodsen in mind. I mean, the girl manages to string along every single guy on the Upper East Side. I know, she’s freaking gorgeous and can make anything, even a dress that is missing the front part of the skirt, look good, but what is it about her that has guys quitting their jobs or hopping in cabs from Brooklyn to kiss their step-sibling?!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, Serena. I’m getting really sick of you juggling all these incredibly good looking men. And if you really love Dan, then having Nate show up on the sidewalk shouldn’t change that. Grrrr.

Nate:
Could there be anyone on this planet who is more gullible and dense than Nathanial Archibald? It’s infuriating. How many times does Cougar Juliet have to get caught in a lie before you finally kick that biznatch to the curb, Nate? Like the wise President Bush once said: “Fool me once shame on….you. You fool me you can’t get fooled again.” Or something like that.

Juliet:
I resent the fact that shopping at outlet malls and having Ikea furniture in your 5th floor walk-up is something to be ashamed of [says the girl sitting at an Ikea desk on an Ikea chair wearing sweats from the Old Navy outlet]. Also, stop letting other people control you and learn to stand on your own two feet, woman. Oh, and please explain to me how you can just constantly call your brother in jail. Aren’t there rules against that?

Vanessa:
What did Jessica Szohr do to the writers that made them hate her so much to give her the worst character of all time? I used to like V back in the day when she was a little Brooklyn hipstery thing trying to save the world. But much like her most recent hair-do, revenge and scheming do not look good on her. Especially when it’s for such a dumb reason. “I’ve been losing to Serena for 3 years, watching her get away with everything and anything and I’m over it.” Is she really so pathetic that she’ll go to such great lengths, sneak into the ballet and totally isolate herself from the 5 people she knows in NYC just to get Serena back for being so damn perfect? I get it, I hate Serena too, but this little inferiority complex is embarrassing and if she doesn’t get it in line soon, I fear we’ll have a little drug addiction on our hands soon.

…but then maybe she’ll go to rehab?

Dan:
Serena is your step-sister. If that’s not enough to get you to wake up and smell the girl who is going to break your heart again, well, godspeed. (P.S. Telling her a man should quit his job to be with her? What world do you live in?)

Chuck and Blair:
OK, so I can’t hate these two, no matter how hard I try. All that hate/love sex. All those pastries in the bathtub. That purple velvet robe. It’s these two (and possibly Dorota) that are going to make me come back and watch more sh*t go down next week.

Get them back together or I’m out, GG. There are plenty other crappy shows, like Real World/Road Rules 47,  I can watch on Monday nights.

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)