Texting Is Going To Kill You!

If research can be trusted, texting is officially the scariest epidemic plaguing society since H1N1. Or the bed bug outbreak. Or Speidi. And I’m not just talking about texting while driving, because we all know that’s just stupid. According to a recent study, people who text a lot (I’ve got one thumb pointed at myself….and the other texting my BFF) are more likely to start fights and binge drink. Yeah, I don’t really see the connection either (how can I double fist when I’ve got both thumbs on my iPhone?), but who am I to argue with science?

By Zara

That’s right – nobody.

But drunken bar brawls aren’t the only dangers associated with hyper-texting. Just look at what else a few “what r u up to”s every hour can cause:

People who text sleep less: Cell phones are seductive things, and apparently the siren-like quality of a text message alert can drag innocent teenagers away from even the deepest slumber, that is if they can tear themselves away from their phones long enough to actually get in bed. Researchers believe that people stay up late at night texting and wake up periodically throughout the night to check (probably drunk) messages as they come in. Less sleep = slower reaction time, foggy brain and a whole other slew of side effects that can be dangerous.

People who text are moody: Another study shows that people who text late at night are more likely to be moody, sullen, or angry all day. Methinks this has more to do with the content of the texts (especially if they’re coming from some bully hyper-texter), but researchers argue that texting in general is the cause.

People who text are shady individuals: Texters are likely to use sneaky CIA-style codes in their messages. Common examples range from the innocuous LOL (laughing out loud) to the duplicitous PAL (parents are listening). Of course, it could just be easier to type three letters as opposed to some long winded speech…. or it can be that texting is a gateway to a lifetime of shady behavior.

People who text are illiterate: Those texting acronyms are at it again! Word on the street is that people who text eventually forget how to use proper English. Maybe that’s why I can never get my friends to stop ending their sentences with prepositions….at.

People who text are going to be thumb-less soon: Blackberry thumb is a disease that originates from too much texting. Unfortunately, switching to an iPhone or a Droid or even a dumb phone is not the cure, since anyone who texts at all is high-risk. Basically the nerves in your thumbs get damaged from too much texting, causing a whole slew of problems like pain and limited mobility in your hands. Talk about a trendy illness!

So, to sum it all up: if you text, you’re gonna die. Or live a shady, tired life with broken thumbs and terrible grammar. Save yourself! Make a phone call!