Not Everything About Your Ex is Bad

November 11, 2010 5:00 pm     Posted in Advice, Relationships  Sarabeth - University of Texas g+ page


By Sarabeth

Just about everyone out there seems to have dating horror stories. Seriously, ask anybody; chances are they’ll tell you that they have a relationship that they wish had just never happened. I myself went through a pretty nasty break up earlier this year. Not only was I with the guy for over 3 years, we lived together and were planning a wedding when I realized that what we were doing was a mistake and called everything off.

I’ve spent the past 7 months trying to put my life back together and pretty much hating my ex for how nasty he got post-breakup.

Recently, however, a friend and I were talking about living without regrets. She said, “I don’t regret anything. Sure I’ve made mistakes and have had rough times, but all of that made me who I am today. And I love what I see in the mirror, so why bother with regrets?” I love my friend for her incredible amount of self confidence, and she really made me think. I realized that instead of hating my ex and wishing that I’d never met him, not EVERYTHING about our time together was bad.

From every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve taken something away and learned from them all:

Chris, you were my first boyfriend. We were pretty darn young; possibly too young to really date considering we had curfews. You drove me up the wall with all of your outrageous lies. You really think I believed you when you said that your mom was dating a millionaire and that he promised to wire you money for a car when you were old enough? You drove me up the wall over those months but from this, I learned the wrong way to break up with a guy. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you to your face and had my best friend tell you. I don’t blame you for never talking to me again.

Evan, you were the epitome of mixed signals. You flirted excessively and told people you liked me, but when I asked you out we only dated for a few weeks… if you can even call it that, because you avoided me the whole time. You are the only guy I’ve dated who broke up with me. And it hurt. But you taught me that just because a guy is older than you, it doesn’t mean he’s more mature. I also had to learn the hard way that just because a guy will sneak out of a play with you to go make out in his truck and says he’ll call the next day, it doesn’t mean he will.

Jake, I think you were nuts. You told me you loved me entirely too soon and I was not ready for it. After I broke up with you, you left 6 voicemails within an hour that were all of you crying. Talk about wayyyyyy too heavy for high school. But there was some good. Because of you I love laying out and watching the sky at night like we used to do on the high school’s track. And I learned that there is such a thing as falling too hard, too fast. Like every other naive high school girl I thought I would one day meet the guy of my dreams and I would be love at first sight. But I realize now that love happens gradually and it shouldn’t be rushed.

And finally, Matt. I was with you for almost all of my college career, and my senior year has been quite an adjustment without you around. Like I said, I’ve spent the past 6 months hating your guts because you got so hateful towards me after I broke up with you, but now that I look back on it I can understand why. I broke your heart. You had the biggest impact on my life. Thank you for introducing me to sushi, Band of Horses, and East Texas, all of which are some of my favorite things now. You taught me that even though you really do love somebody, that doesn’t mean they are the one. I couldn’t be what you needed and vise versa. I also know now that you really need to love yourself first before you can love someone else; that’s something we both needed to work on.

So even though I went through some stupid/rough stuff with these guys, I can’t hate them. I value every experience each one gave me and I believe I can be a better girlfriend for whoever I date next. Here’s to living life without regrets!

Now it’s your turn! What have you learned from your exes?

27 Comments on "Not Everything About Your Ex is Bad"

  1. yan says:
    Thu, 11th Nov 20105:35 pm 

    Gerardo: I learned not to believe everything a man says. Men can say they love you one day, and break up with you the next day.
    Alberto: I learned NOT to date a guy just because he's good-looking and your parents like him.
    Hector: I learned that rebounds make you feel like crap, specially when the rebound guy falls for you and you have to dump him by phone.
    Adolfo: I learned that people can't change for someone else, they have to change for themselves.
    Pablo: pablo, you still own the tittle of the love of my life. Everytime i listen to pearl jam I hear your voice. Getting over you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and i hated your guts even tho you were great after we broke up. You changed my life, you made me brave, you thaught me to fight for my beliefs and to never give anyone explanations. I learned that family is more important than you think. Most importantly, I learned the difference between love and obsession.
    Sebastian: I learned not to date a guy with a million flirty fans.
    Gary: I learned that money isn't everything.
    Guillermo: I learned that taking things too slow is as bad a taking them too fast.

  2. Meg says:
    Thu, 11th Nov 20105:41 pm 

    I love this. The guy I have been dating for 4 years and I called it off this past sunday. Seeing this helps me embrace the fact that we had marvelous times together and learned alot. I don't know if we'll end up hating each other or not, but I know that I don't want to hate him. I wish him the best. Here's to living and learning!

  3. YouKNow says:
    Thu, 11th Nov 20106:45 pm 

    I learned to trust my instincts. If only I had followed my gut about John, I wouldn't have wasted my time- which ultimately ended up in court to get a restraining order against his crazy ass.
    Then again, had I not gone through hell, I wouldn't have the heaven that I do today with my husband. I guess getting through nightmare relationships allows you to better understand who you are and what you want out of life (alone or with somebody else).
    I never loved John, and I didn't love myself enough at 19 to know better. I'm in a much happier place now, and it was a long and torturous journey but dammit, it was worth it!

  4. Nikki says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20101:14 am 

    Thank you for this article!!! It took a bit of growing up for me to be thankful for what my exes taught me!
    D: From the moment you said "hot-male" instead of 'hotmail', I should have learned never to go out with a guy whose ego is bigger than the size of this universe. But now I know. And I also learned never to change myself or drop my standards for a partner just because of one guy. And finally, you taught me the best lesson in how to deal with bitchy exes (who are bitchier than most girls!). It was awesome when karma came to bite you in the ass for that.

    C: I learned that 'friends with benefits' is never a good place to be. And you, especially, taught me how to protect my heart.

    S: I learned that wanting companionship in a boyfriend is never a reason for dating someone. We were never right for each other. I also learned that putting up with things you really can't stand in the other person is not the way to go either… I'm just so glad you taught me to see what I really wanted and needed in a guy.

  5. girlnextdoorfashion says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20109:44 am 

    This is fantastic. It takes a long period of hatred to really realise that good things in your relationships.

    Mike: You controlled me and manipulated me, but you taught me to never let anyone control me like you did. You made me a stronger person and showed me that no man should decide what I wear!! Maybe you inadvertently turned me into the fashion blogger I am today?
    Lucas: You taught me to just jump into a relationship without being scared. Okay, it was perhaps the worst relationship known to man, but still. You also taught me that I deserve to be with someone who I find attractive, but that having the same values as someone is most important.
    Joe: Wow. You were the love of my life at one time. You taught me that a relationship doesn't have to be built just on lust. You taught me how to be best friends with a guy, and you introduced me to Star Wars and a lot of fantastic music. Breaking up with you seemed like the worst thing ever, I didn't think I would make it through. But I did. And now I am a better person. I know now that success is the best revenge.
    Jonny: You taught me not to fall for a charmer who was also seeing two other girls at the same time. You taught me about words that have no meaning. You taught me not to let myself fall again for someone wh doesn't care about me.

    Wow that was cathartic :]]]

    Charlotte http://www.girlnextdoorfashion.net

  6. Enchanted says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20101:04 pm 

    Boy number 1: we were both just too young. I learned that many guys are commitment-phobes. You still regret choosing the slut over the good girl, but I think it might be too late… that little plan of keeping me in the corner to marry later didn't work so hot, did it?

    Boy number two: You were my first love. I learned how to be in a relationship, and how much compromise, trust and communication goes with that. I also learned that I cannot do 100% of the work in the relationship, and that I need a fighter-not just to fight with me, but for me. Even if that means fighting with me. In the end, college changed you, and your priorities. I am sorry that I was not one of them, but I know I deserve a guy who makes me a priority, and loves me as much as I love him. And doesn't get mad when I want to see him alone once a week when we've been in a long term relationship

    Man #1: I'm still waiting for one of these to show up… do they exist in college?

  7. laurenrstewart says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20101:44 pm 

    This is great. I learned that I shouldn't be ignored and I should talk things out instead of ignoring problems.

    Lauren http://www.laurensthoughts.com

  8. Amanda says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20103:33 pm 

    L: You taught me that there's more to relationships than what's on the surface. I still regret breaking up with you and I wish I had been more mature and not listened to what everyone else said about our relationship. IT was immature and superficial, but I've done some growing up and I'm truly sorry for hurting you.

    C: Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't have to change anything about myself if someone really cares about me. I pretended to be someone I wasn't most of our relationship and it just made me miserable in the end. Thank you for showing me the beauty of the hookah. Thank you for teaching me how to surf. Thank you for inspiring me to love the gym.

    T: You've possibly taught me the most of all my "exes" if you can even count as that. I learned that I should only be with someone that I trust and that if there is even a doubt in my mind that I don't trust them, I shouldn't be with them. I learned that friends with benefits hurts and is the most god awful arrangement ever. I learned that sometimes letting go is the hardest thing, even when its the right thing and that even though I might still love(?) you, I'll be better off once I completely let things dissolve.

  9. drummergirl says:
    Fri, 12th Nov 20109:57 pm 

    This article was AMAZING.
    So amazing, in fact, that i wrote my own in my journal. And when my very special boyfriend came over later on, i read to him every single entry..Then, he told me what he learned from each and every one of his exes. It was extremely therapeutic, and brought me and him even closer together. Thank you so much! :)

  10. ktalways says:
    Sat, 13th Nov 201012:56 am 

    S – You were my first, way later than most people have their first. Thanks for teaching me to be confident about making a move when I feel like it. Thanks for forcing me out of my shell a bit and, most of all, teaching me that next time i'm going to do it differently, and be more myself right from day one. Getting dumped hurt, though you did it as nicely as you knew how to do things. I don't regret giving it to you. But I do wonder if you dated much just so you could get it.

  11. Jennifer says:
    Sat, 13th Nov 20103:46 pm 

    Nick: You were my first boyfriend, and my first love. I wish you had been more honest with me from the beginning so the truth wouldn't have been so hurtful when it came out, but thanks for eventually telling me the truth. I'm sorry the turmoil I put you through with my depression, and for going crazy after you broke my heart, but it hurt like hell. Thanks for getting me to appreciate metal music, and being the first boy to make me feel beautiful and wanted. I wish I still talked to you once in a while, I do still wonder if your life got any better because it was pretty shitty towards the end of our relationship.

  12. ... says:
    Sat, 13th Nov 20104:25 pm 

    U- You were EVERYTHING that I wanted in a guy, but I messed it all up by being insecure, and a little selfish. Thank you for showing me exactly what I need to do to make my next relationship work, I just hope another guy can make me feel the butterflies that you did.. …

  13. Bee says:
    Sun, 14th Nov 201012:11 am 

    C: You were my first love. I'm still searching for all the lessons you taught me, but I know & practice some of them daily. You were the best first boyfriend I could have asked for. You were just what I needed in my timid venture into the crazy world of dating. I'm sorry I mistreated you so often and took advantage of your kindness. Please know that I'll always have a place in my heart for you, even though we'll never talk again a day in our lives. I regret that every day and think about you so often it hurts. I love you and miss you in my life. I would do anything to have you be my best friend again. I wish you all the best with you and L. You deserve nothing less.

  14. KPN says:
    Tue, 16th Nov 20108:22 pm 

    A: My choice or not, I will never forget you. You were my beginning-my first kiss. A kiss that fueled the imagination of a hopelessly romantic and naive girl. I thought you were my prince, but of course I soon realized that there were plenty of more frogs to come. You taught me that sometimes..whether we like it or not, things don’t work out for a reason. Trying to fit a square inside of a circle just doesn’t make sense. You were a wavering ghost disappearing/reappearing, but never gave me a definite answer. With you, I learned that games are not the foundation of a lasting relationship. You taught me that even nice guys..can break your heart.

  15. Erika says:
    Wed, 17th Nov 20102:00 am 

    N: thank you so much. It's been two years since we've been 'friends-with-benifits' (even though you led me on to believe that you liked me) However, you taught me some very important things. You taught me to trust my insincts. I knew you were lieing to me and seeing other people, but I chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe you were a good guy. The most important thing you did for me was to make me put up a wall between me and men. Why? Because it would have to take the most amazing, caring, wonderful person to be able to take that wall down. I found him. Now I'm in a wonderful, HONEST, caring relationship of 1 year, and I've never been happier. And you, you are completely alone. Karma, right?

  16. heeey. says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 20102:29 pm 

    R-you were my first kiss, my first boyfriend. but we never actually talked. we were definitely too young for a relationship. i never hated you, because i never really cared for you at all. but you did make me feel beautiful, thank you for that.
    E-you were my first long-term relationship, my first FIRST. if you know what i mean.lol. you had an amazing sense of humor and we could talk forever. i'm so sorry for hurting you, i wish things had ended on a better note. you taught me to not try to make something work that clearly shouldn't. i always got back with you out of guilt, and i regret it. i shouldn't have dragged it on.
    J-you were my bestfriend, my first real love.. i still love you, to this day. i'm glad we're on good terms now, and i'm sorry for going psycho on you after we broke up. but i'd never felt pain like that before and wasn't quite sure how to deal with it. you taught me not to settle, the next relationship i have will be just as incredible, if not better. you taught me to be 100% open & honest. the most important lesson i've learned.

  17. Jessie says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 201010:44 pm 

    Alex – You were my first "boyfriend", as defined by middle school standards…But first you were my best friend from elementary school. I know things didnt end well in high school but I'm so glad we eventually became friends again. You taught me how to be friends with guys and how you can love someone but not be in love with them.

    Evan – You were my first actual boyfriend in high school. I think I was craving companionship when I threw myself impulsively into this relationship. I dont think I was ready (I was, admittedly, quite immature) and I'm sorry for ending it the way I did, by avoiding you.

    Dave – You were my first everything. I don't know if I was ever really ready for this relationship but I gave myself willingly to you and I don't regret it. I learned that if a guy cheats on you and you can't trust him anymore, regardless of how much it hurts, you need to end the relationship. I fought for you and trusted you but in the end, I lost you. Leaving you and giving you up hurt but gradually, with distance and time, I learned that I could be happy without a man and that I had to learn how to be "me" and trust my instincts. You also taught me that I cannot lose myself in another person. There will always be a spot in my heart for you.

    Mike – Somehow we became friends randomly. I didn't realize you had liked me until you literally spelled it out for me this summer/Fall. You showed me that it is possible to be oblivious, to like someone without expecting anything in return. The few short days I had with you were possibly the happiest I've been in the last few years. And, you also proved to me that the world does indeed have a skewed sense of "right time, right place". I don't expect you to wait and I'm going to live my life but, just maybe, if we were meant to be,we'll find our way back to each other and you'll have taught me something else, that waiting can be worth it.

  18. MoeMck says:
    Sat, 20th Nov 20105:00 pm 

    K: You were my first boyfriend and the first guy that actually liked me and thought I was pretty after my awkward stages. I liked you so much even though you were much older than me. You taught me that just because you were older, did not mean you were wiser. I wasn't ready and it wasn't ok.
    M: You hurt me and toyed around with my heart. You constantly broke up with me and then got back together with me at least 4 or 5 times. You were extremely popular and you taught me that just because you were popular, doesn't mean that it was the best thing.
    S: You were my first everything and every girl was jealous of me. You were extremely handsome, perfect, and exciting even if you were a C – student. We were the school's power couple for a little over a year and in that short time, it took me 6+ months to get over being dumped by you. I don't regret handing it over to you. You have been the only person I truly was in love with. Our relationship taught me that handsomeness isn't everything and that I needed someone I could have an actual conversation with.

  19. Michelle says:
    Mon, 22nd Nov 20106:14 pm 

    P- my high school boyfriend. I was too nervous to kiss you, thinking you would judge me… realizing too late that you wouldn’t have. Thanks for encouraging my teenage reckless side but always reminding me to call my parents- advice that I still do not listen to.
    S- you were cute, but a doormat… I think this is where I started walking all over boys. Introducing me to sushi & sex in cars, telling me you loved me after a month, thanks for making me realize I need a strong willed boy.
    A- You were fun, but my boy on the side… and another one who let me walk all over you. Karma did bite me in the ass though, and ive learned not to be such a psycho.

  20. Michelle says:
    Mon, 22nd Nov 20106:15 pm 

    M-you definitely changed my viewpoint on a lot of things. Im still confused about you, but I think ive got it figured out now…you were a perfect example of mixed signals, and hopefully I never fall into that trap again. the way you treated me in the beginning to the way you treated me towards the end, complete 180, thanks for picking up all those girls numbers that weekend. I hadnt cried this much over a boy in a LONG time…thanks for making strive for real knowledge & intellectual conversations, and for making me realize that sometimes its not me, it really IS you.
    S- started out as friends with benefits and you became my best friend but also so much more…I wish you would have told me how you really felt earlier, because it WOULD have changed things. It bothers me how I was able to walk away from all of this without crying, but 2 years with you, even though we were never ‘official’ were honestly 2 of the best years of my life. I now know how a boy should treat me, and I will never settle for less. Thank you for your never ending patience with me and unconditional love, even though I wore you out. you are honestly the one person in my life who deserves all the happiness in the world.

  21. Kate says:
    Tue, 23rd Nov 20101:33 pm 

    Jake- you were the most popular guy i knew but you were mine. you were my first everything. our relationship was amazing, and iv never felt so alive with anyone else. i could tell you everything, and we were so comfortable together. i could never stop smiling around you, but when our relationship ended i was devestated. took me 6+ months to get over you but i dont regret a thing.

    matt- we were together 8 months without being official. i gave you everything. you were the bad boy but never fully committed to me but you never cheated on me either. finally you did cheat on me, and i hated you for a long time. now we're friends and im glad you were a big part of my life. i would do anything for you and you have no idea how much i care. always will

  22. Kate says:
    Tue, 23rd Nov 20101:34 pm 

    mike- im sorry i broke your heart. i said i loved you but i never truly meant it. you fell for me and gave me your everything. i was your "first love" i tried breaking up with you, and you wouldnt let me, so i ended up cheating on you. im sorry for everything…

    tim-i found you amazing. you would come over every morning and wake me up, if you hadnt spent the night. we could talk about everything, and i felt like we knew each other so well. we bought a dog together, i could go on and on. i have never known anyone like you, maybe never will. when you broke up with me because you felt like age really did matter it broke my heart that you could be so dumb, but after all there are more fish in the sea, i will find the one guy who is right for me. thanks for making me who i am

  23. Joy says:
    Wed, 24th Nov 20103:35 pm 

    W- You were my first "boyfriend", and my first kiss. I'm not exactly sure why I was so upset when you broke up with me. However, a few months later when I had a new boyfriend you did try to get back together. Guess you regretted it!

    R- I don't even know where to begin. You were my first for almost everything, including abuse. I was only 14, and I'm still not sure why I stayed with you. Our relationship was insane, always crying and fighting.. It was awful and I stayed with you because I thought I'd never find anyone as cute as you, which is the dumbest possible! You were completely INSANE. You would think someone as gorgeous as yourself would have a lot of self confidence. But I guess not. I honestly hope that you have changed since then.. seeing its been about 8 years. You should NEVER EVER treat ANYONE the way you treated me!! You taught me that I deserve nothing but the best and that I should never let anyone touch me the way you did! You also taught me that I should stand up for my self and act like I'm someone anyone would love to be with. I know I deserve to be treated right! And I am!!

  24. Minty says:
    Sat, 27th Nov 20105:02 pm 

    Kevin: You have taught me what it feels like to be beautiful and wanted. You have taught me how to give myself completely without asking for much in return. I learned how to love unconditionally, and I learned what it feels like to be so completely absorbed in someone. You showed me simpler pleasures in life, like dancing in the rain, racing to our cars in the parking lot, and endless Pokemon marathons. You were my first, and I wanted you to be my last. You taught me that even the best intentions come with consequences, and that sometimes the only thing someone can do is let go. I'm sorry that the distance got too tough once we left our small town for college.

  25. blahblah says:
    Sat, 5th Feb 20116:05 pm 

    gosh reading these things are so depressing….rather than saying, "oh i still love you even though its been 5 years" why not think that it just wasnt meant to be? its too sad if you think too much about the past. you know? just my 2 cents.

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