5 People You Should NEVER Defriend

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Jimmy Kimmel has deemed November 17th National Unfriend Day.  Yes, he’s talking Facebook and he’s insisting that you don’t really have 763 “friends” in real life, so why should you online?  Time to trim the fat, people!

Initially I thought this was a great idea.  Eliminating all those random welcome week acquaintances and sophomore year World Civ group project people would be pretty great.  I mean, seriously, who are these people anyway?  Do I care that your sister just had a baby?  Do I want to know what movie you watched last night with your mom?  Should you be posting pictures of your new tramp stamp?  Hell no.

But upon thinking some more, hitting that “unfriend” button could induce a sort of high.  It would start with people you’ve never heard of, increase to the ones you shared a few classes with, and end when you’ve cut all online ties to ex-boyfriends and old hook-ups.  Holy batman, you can’t stalk them anymore!  You can’t see if their new girlfriend is prettier than you!  You can’t know if they’re posting mysterious song lyrics that may or may not point to the beautiful moment you shared in the back of the bar last Thursday night when his hand was up your shirt!  What have you done!?

While I don’t think you should skip this new holiday altogether, I encourage you to observe it with a modicum of restrain.  Here’s a cheat sheet on who to delete now and who to keep around for a little longer:

The Frenemy

You met her freshman year and from her always-sleek hair to her perfectly polished nails, you knew you hated her.  Then you found out you two shared a major and the dream of becoming a star news anchor.  And you reeeeally hated her.  Then she stole the guy you were crushing on and you simply wanted to gouge her sultry eyes out with a melon-baller.

It might be an easy call to delete her designer denim-clad ass, but you might want to think again.  Whose status updates will motivate you to be better than this bitch?  Certainly not your mom with her daily inspirational quotes.  Gandhi didn’t know jack about revenge, and you’re in it to win.

The Deadbeat

On the flip side of the frenemy coin you find the deadbeat.  He was popular in high school, but now he’s driving around with a Domino’s delivery sign on top of his car.  His tagged photos are mostly comprised of him taking bong hits and throwing his arms around the occasional cute girl.  “Unremarkable,” you may think to yourself.  But reconsider putting an end to this friendship.

When you’re sitting in sweatpants working your way through Glee DVDs and the Frenemy is out mingling with Jay-Z, you might want this guy around to lift your spirits.  Because hey, it could always be worse.

The Ex(es)

We’ve all got them, those pesky exes, and if you haven’t done so already: DO NOT DELETE HIM.  I know it’s tempting, but don’t do it.  I promise you’ll regret it the next time you hear a rumor about a new girl he’s dating or see him at the bar mingling with a cute blonde.  Who is that slut!?  Well, you’ll never know if you can’t look him up on Facebook.  Simple as that.

The Funny Stranger

You have no idea who this person is.  None.  But they post amazing YouTube links and have the funniest status updates around.  Plus, sometimes you steal their lines to use when you want to get an easy laugh out of your friends.

The Celebuspawn

True story: I was Facebook friends with Kevin Costner’s super attractive son for a few months…until I wasn’t.  It must have been a technology glitch; no way the kid deleted me.  But the spring of 2008 was the peak of my online life.  I got to look in on the lifestyles of the rich and famous, enjoyed the Costner family’s private vacation photos, pretended like I was his father’s publicist’s sister’s daughter…

So if you’ve got a famous Facebook friend and you’re feeling guilty for duping them into thinking they know you, just get over it.  The benefits far outweigh the creepy costs.

The Oversharer

They’ve got their Twitter account tied into Facebook, so that means status updates every five freakin’ minutes.  And this comes on top of their way too personal collection of pictures (you posted the sonogram of your baby, really?) and extra-detailed list of interests, hobbies, and musical tastes.  Like you care.

But secretly, you do.  A little.  When you can’t sleep at 2a.m., you can always count on this person to be good for some instant entertainment.  Why give the axe to an irreplaceable service like that?

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