The following is a guest post by professional funny man and CollegeCandy friend, Aaron Karo. Read, laugh, learn a few things.
I’m often referred to as a “guy’s guy.” I like drinking and sports and hanging with the fellas. My third book, which is about being single when all your friends are couples, is entitled I’m Having More Fun Than You and features me on the cover with five models. This Friday, November 19th, Comedy Central is premiering my first one-hour stand-up special, AARON KARO: THE REST IS HISTORY (with an album by the same name dropping November 20th). My show is all about the glory of bachelorhood and sleeping around. You know, guy stuff. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: the majority of my fans are female.
That’s right, roughly 65-70% of my audience members and mailing list subscribers are girls. Why? Because I tell it like it is. I don’t pull punches. I reveal what’s really going on inside the pea-size brain of the common man. And so that’s what I’m going to do today: drop a little knowledge for you, the very lovely readers of CollegeCandy. Here’s what’s gonna happen. First, read my Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys. Then, watch my Comedy Central Special (November 19th) and buy my album (November 20th). After all that, you’ll be prepared for anything. Here we go…
Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys, by Aaron Karo
1. We’re beer experts.
You know when you walk into one of those bars that has, like, six hundred beers on tap and your boyfriend squints his eyes while he reviews them all and nods knowingly as the bartender rattles of a list of vaguely German-sounding ales until he confidently choose one? He has no f**king clue what he’s talking about. He’s just trying to impress you and hopes what he picked tastes like Coors Light.
2. We’re knowledgeable about your menstrual cycle.
In order to fend off his advances, a girl once told my buddy she had her period three different times within a month. It actually worked.
3. We’re highly logical.
Somehow we are extremely protective of our little sisters but have no problem jerking off to the daughter from How I Met Your Mother.
4. We’re all about our boys.
Do you ever feel neglected because your man knows everything about his buddies but can’t remember the simple things you tell him? Fret not, we don’t listen to our guy friends either. I went on a two-week vacation last year, and when I got back I had 27 voicemails from my boys. Which was cool, except not one of them even realized I was gone.
5. We’re judgmental.
Don’t bother cleaning your place up if the guy you’re crushing on is coming over. We don’t give a sh*t. We don’t care if you live in a mine shaft with a bunch of Chileans, just clear off a flat surface and we’re good to go. Oh wait, your bras and panties are lying all over the place? Bonus!
6. We’re dependable in an emergency.
Back when I was still living in New York, the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. When the building was evacuated, I made sure to save my old, beat-up Yankees hat but forgot my roommate was fast asleep in the other room. Whatever; he lived.
7. We’re patient.
Ever tell a guy that you’re not ready to sleep with him yet? And what does he always say in reply? “That’s okay.” Notice his voice go up about half an octave when he says it. He’s lying. It’s not okay. He wants it right now. Ever tell a guy you want to sleep with him right away and he replies, “Sorry, I’m not ready.”? Of course not.
8. We’re persistent.
My buddy was dating this girl for a year when one day they got into a huge fight over the phone and both hung up in a huff. They never spoke again. That’s it, no discussion, no reconciliation, no break-up, nothing. I was like, “Dude, you can’t do that, you have to talk to her, you went out for a year!” “Forget it,” my buddy said, “we’re through.” Which kinda sucked for me since she had hot friends.
9. We’re trustworthy.
If you sleep a with guy and then ask, “You’re not gonna go tell all your friends about this tomorrow are you?” he’ll say no. Which is true. But when you go to the bathroom five minutes later, he will send out a mass text.
10. We’re chivalrous.
When you’ve made it clear to a guy you’re not gonna hook up with him but need to stay at his place because you’re too drunk or it’s too far to get home, he’ll often go out of his way to offer you a t-shirt and shorts to sleep in. He’s not being nice. It’s just easier to try to cop a feel (which he’s inevitably gonna do) when you’re braless and wearing a XXL t-shirt he got for free for signing up for a Capital One card.
[Aaron Karo: The Rest Is History premieres on Comedy Central Friday, November 19th at 11pm ET/PT. Get a preview here!
The album drops November 20th.
Get more Karo at Ruminations.com or facebook.com/aaronkaro]