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Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys (By a Guy)

The following is a guest post by professional funny man and CollegeCandy friend, Aaron Karo. Read, laugh, learn a few things.

I’m often referred to as a “guy’s guy.” I like drinking and sports and hanging with the fellas. My third book, which is about being single when all your friends are couples, is entitled I’m Having More Fun Than You and features me on the cover with five models. This Friday, November 19th, Comedy Central is premiering my first one-hour stand-up special, AARON KARO: THE REST IS HISTORY (with an album by the same name dropping November 20th). My show is all about the glory of bachelorhood and sleeping around. You know, guy stuff. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: the majority of my fans are female.

That’s right, roughly 65-70% of my audience members and mailing list subscribers are girls. Why? Because I tell it like it is. I don’t pull punches. I reveal what’s really going on inside the pea-size brain of the common man. And so that’s what I’m going to do today: drop a little knowledge for you, the very lovely readers of CollegeCandy. Here’s what’s gonna happen. First, read my Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys. Then, watch my Comedy Central Special (November 19th) and buy my album (November 20th). After all that, you’ll be prepared for anything. Here we go…

Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys, by Aaron Karo

1. We’re beer experts.
You know when you walk into one of those bars that has, like, six hundred beers on tap and your boyfriend squints his eyes while he reviews them all and nods knowingly as the bartender rattles of a list of vaguely German-sounding ales until he confidently choose one? He has no f**king clue what he’s talking about. He’s just trying to impress you and hopes what he picked tastes like Coors Light.

2. We’re knowledgeable about your menstrual cycle.
In order to fend off his advances, a girl once told my buddy she had her period three different times within a month. It actually worked.

3. We’re highly logical.
Somehow we are extremely protective of our little sisters but have no problem jerking off to the daughter from How I Met Your Mother.

4. We’re all about our boys.
Do you ever feel neglected because your man knows everything about his buddies but can’t remember the simple things you tell him? Fret not, we don’t listen to our guy friends either. I went on a two-week vacation last year, and when I got back I had 27 voicemails from my boys. Which was cool, except not one of them even realized I was gone.

5. We’re judgmental.
Don’t bother cleaning your place up if the guy you’re crushing on is coming over. We don’t give a sh*t. We don’t care if you live in a mine shaft with a bunch of Chileans, just clear off a flat surface and we’re good to go. Oh wait, your bras and panties are lying all over the place? Bonus!

6. We’re dependable in an emergency.
Back when I was still living in New York, the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. When the building was evacuated, I made sure to save my old, beat-up Yankees hat but forgot my roommate was fast asleep in the other room. Whatever; he lived.

7. We’re patient.
Ever tell a guy that you’re not ready to sleep with him yet? And what does he always say in reply? “That’s okay.” Notice his voice go up about half an octave when he says it. He’s lying. It’s not okay. He wants it right now. Ever tell a guy you want to sleep with him right away and he replies, “Sorry, I’m not ready.”? Of course not.

8. We’re persistent.
My buddy was dating this girl for a year when one day they got into a huge fight over the phone and both hung up in a huff. They never spoke again. That’s it, no discussion, no reconciliation, no break-up, nothing. I was like, “Dude, you can’t do that, you have to talk to her, you went out for a year!” “Forget it,” my buddy said, “we’re through.” Which kinda sucked for me since she had hot friends.

9. We’re trustworthy.
If you sleep a with guy and then ask, “You’re not gonna go tell all your friends about this tomorrow are you?” he’ll say no. Which is true. But when you go to the bathroom five minutes later, he will send out a mass text.

10. We’re chivalrous.
When you’ve made it clear to a guy you’re not gonna hook up with him but need to stay at his place because you’re too drunk or it’s too far to get home, he’ll often go out of his way to offer you a t-shirt and shorts to sleep in. He’s not being nice. It’s just easier to try to cop a feel (which he’s inevitably gonna do) when you’re braless and wearing a XXL t-shirt he got for free for signing up for a Capital One card.

[Aaron Karo: The Rest Is History premieres on Comedy Central Friday, November 19th at  11pm ET/PT. Get a preview here!
The album
drops November 20th.
Get more Karo at Ruminations.com or facebook.com/aaronkaro]

    Comments

    Comments

    1. Honestly, this entire post is garbage. I am a guy and the only real misconception is number 1… Most of the rest seem like excuses for guys to be bad people… basically this post is saying that men are stupid, immoral pigs; we're not. Admittedly, I am not perfect (I AM judgmental), but the majority of the list is things that men shouldn't be proud of not being. Shouldn't everyone (women included) strive to be chivalrous, trustworthy, persistent, patient, and dependable? Not trying to be a buzz kill, just saying… When it wasn't offensive or blatantly wrong, it was hilarious.

    2. oldfashioned says:

      Articles like this are funny. But I hope to God that the author is just trying to make a joke. Otherwise I will become a lesbian because he makes men sound like really stupid pigs. I guess I worry becuase so many guys try and make these points – like Tucker Max- and I'm not sure if they honestly really are that way or are just playing around making fun of a male stereotype.

    3. I can't breathe!!! Someone just sucked all the funny out of the room. I think I'll go read some ruminations. That'll bring it back.😉 Hilarious as always Karo (yeah that's right…I'm going with a last name only shout out).

    4. Reems says:

      Loved this, I thought it was funny! You people need to lighten up.

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    8. Jill says:

      Too funny!!! People need to learn how to take a joke & enjoy some light-hearted humor. Props to Karo…and I'm posting this comment while wearing a white wife-beater😉

    9. Jerrod says:

      Hilarious! I had just been jerking off to the daughter from "How I Met Your Mother" right before I read this!

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    28. I liked it, found it mildly humorous and easy to relate to (especially the part about being patient). i find myself in similar situations all the time. every body is different which is probably why some ppl didn't appreciate the post. whether it be having a different sense of humor, feeling uncomfortable and self conscious from what was said , not being able to relate, or just taking things too seriously people should settle down. the post was just to entertain and inform with a little comedic exaggeration i think.

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    31. Jean says:

      I understand why most of this guy's fans are women; Since he tells it like it is, women just keep agreeing with him on men being pigs. If guys don't like being called chauvinist pigs, then break the stereotype. Simple.

    32. whoa hard thing.
      My advice is,dress up well,try to seem clean and impressive,strong.Plan everything you will say,plan every sentence and every word,DON'T PANIC!
      Try to seem even educated then you are,don't talk about anything you don't know.Try to make a good relationship with the future father-in-law and try to show that you're ready to do everything you can to their daughter.
      But first of all,are you a good couple together?Are you soul-mates,or are you two people can live together?Marriage is much more different than going out together.
      My mother's wrong decision about choosing her husband,nearly ruined my life.It was also a marriage wasn't accepted by the girl side's family.This story remembered me the story of my father and mother,even details are the same.
      Think well,the marriage thing is not something affects on only 2 people,now I'm mentally harmed and very much disturbed because of a very wrong decision.And again,think well..

    33. clarawood1 says:

      very nice.

    34. Blaaaake says:

      Hey guys, if you want to get sex guaranteed whenever you want it – if you want to be calling the shots that way, hire a f***ing prostitute.

    35. Trish says:

      Aww…People need to lighten up! I found this quite entertaining…just because you wanna believe your bf is classy, polite, caring, thoughtful, and not at all a guy….doesn't make it true. This is just an exaggerated spin on life as we know it. Thanks for the chuckles!

      1. Leliana says:

        People realizing that not everyone is the same isn't being delusional. I'm sorry if you've never found a guy who has the qualities you listed, but that doesn't mean those people don't exist. It's also quite sexist to imply that those attributes make a guy "not a guy."

    36. liam says:

      loada shit

    37. Man#123445 says:

      Except for #9, I agree

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    40. ohkamisvoice says:

      Good post… made me laugh a little.
      i'm pretty sure folks of the female pesuasion enjoy hearing about how much guys suck a little more than guys do..
      "But, not all guys are the same"
      that's what they all say… seriously, it is… WARNING WARNING WARNING… The guy who just said that, is THE SAME ! ! ! ! !

      Don't stop Howling…
      OhKami's Voice

      ohkamisvoice.com

      1. ぐるぐる巡る says:

        If you actually believe that EVERY LAST GUY ON EARTH is the same, you're delusional or dumb.

    41. LMAO…this is hilarious…but true to a certain extent…smh

      Ladies, Why Date You?.. When I Can Play for Free (Your Opinion?) http://creambmp.com/EasyWomen

    42. Hara says:

      It sure is a good thing that anecdotal evidence about a couple of guys proves that every guy in the entire world is exactly the same, and we can therefore apply this knowledge to every relationship ever.

      Oh wait…

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      Once when I messaged him, I said "There is a seventh girl who likes you." He said "Who is it ?" I said "its me" He said "Why only me ???" I told him a few good words about him & I lied to him that "I said I like you. I did not say I love you."

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