Most of us have had, or are going to have, less-than-ideal sexual experiences at some point in our lives. The ones that make us shaking our heads and wonder what the hell we were thinking. Whether it be alcohol-induced, teenage stupidity, or just overall ill planning, sometimes these things just happen… even when, looking back, maybe we wish they didn’t.
When talking to a group of ladies about “numbers” and past experiences, there will always be someone who claims that one of their partners just “doesn’t count” for one reason or another. Many people have “rules” as to what doesn’t really count as sex – which is a good way to lower a number that doesn’t really matter anyways.
So what are some of the excuses people make to keep their “magic number” low and their “I don’t make bad choices” view of themselves high? Oh, well there’s a whole list of ‘em!
Two pump chump: If it’s less than three pumps, it doesn’t really count.
The hangover: If you only remember some of it, it doesn’t really count.
Flaccid Freddy: If it doesn’t stay erect the whole time, it doesn’t really count.
Climax control: If he didn’t finish, it doesn’t really count.
Straight as an arrow: That girl on Spring Break doesn’t really count.
Timer Tammy: If it was less than two minutes, it doesn’t really count.
The one night stand: If it was only one time, so it doesn’t really count.
Anonymous fun: I didn’t even know his name, so it doesn’t really count.
Trippin’ traveler: If it happened in Vegas, it doesn’t really count.
The escort: If you pay for it then it doesn’t really count.
Kissing Karla: We didn’t kiss so it doesn’t really count.
The first time: Oh, the first time doesn’t really count.
Bad to the bone: It was awful, so it doesn’t really count.
… and the list goes on.
Of course we’re only talking about consensual sex here, but here’s the only rule you’ve gotta follow: if it’s in, it counts. Embrace all of your sexual experiences – even the ones that you wish didn’t count. It’s hard to really appreciate good sex unless you’ve had some really bad sex too.
What “it doesn’t really count” excuses have you heard?
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