Sexy Time: “It Doesn’t Really Count”

November 18, 2010 9:00 am     Posted in Relationships, Sex  Ness g+ page

Most of us have had, or are going to have, less-than-ideal sexual experiences at some point in our lives. The ones that make us shaking our heads and wonder what the hell we were thinking. Whether it be alcohol-induced, teenage stupidity, or just overall ill planning, sometimes these things just happen… even when, looking back, maybe we wish they didn’t.


By Ness

When talking to a group of ladies about “numbers” and past experiences, there will always be someone who claims that one of their partners just “doesn’t count” for one reason or another. Many people have “rules” as to what doesn’t really count as sex – which is a good way to lower a number that doesn’t really matter anyways.

So what are some of the excuses people make to keep their “magic number” low and their “I don’t make bad choices” view of themselves high? Oh, well there’s a whole list of ‘em!

Two pump chump: If it’s less than three pumps, it doesn’t really count.

The hangover: If you only remember some of it, it doesn’t really count.

Flaccid Freddy: If it doesn’t stay erect the whole time, it doesn’t really count.

Climax control: If he didn’t finish, it doesn’t really count.

Straight as an arrow: That girl on Spring Break doesn’t really count.

Timer Tammy: If it was less than two minutes, it doesn’t really count.

The one night stand: If it was only one time, so it doesn’t really count.

Anonymous fun: I didn’t even know his name, so it doesn’t really count.

College co-ed: It was just a college experience, it doesn’t really count.

Trippin’ traveler: If it happened in Vegas, it doesn’t really count.

The escort: If you pay for it then it doesn’t really count.

Kissing Karla: We didn’t kiss so it doesn’t really count.

The first time: Oh, the first time doesn’t really count.

Bad to the bone: It was awful, so it doesn’t really count.

… and the list goes on.

Of course we’re only talking about consensual sex here, but here’s the only rule you’ve gotta follow: if it’s in, it counts. Embrace all of your sexual experiences – even the ones that you wish didn’t count. It’s hard to really appreciate good sex unless you’ve had some really bad sex too.

What “it doesn’t really count” excuses have you heard?

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21 Comments on "Sexy Time: “It Doesn’t Really Count”"

  1. Rachel says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 20109:33 am 

    honestly, i don't think it really matters all that much. it's their sex life, they can quantify it however they want.

  2. kristi says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 201012:50 pm 

    I love CollegeCandy for articles just like these! thank you for making my day !

  3. Rebekah says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 20103:21 pm 

    I actually had a boyfriend my freshman year that told me our first time together didn't count cause it was one of those Two Pump Chumps lol. It kinda made me angry that he didn't seem to think we actually had sex. Needless to say the relationship didn't last much longer .

  4. criolle johnny says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 20104:06 pm 

    "If it's in" … WHERE? Does "that" count? I can hear the rationalization hamster's wheel spinning as I type.
    People, male and female, can lie to themselves about nearly anything. Perhaps this is part of learning to be honest with oneself.

  5. shari says:
    Thu, 18th Nov 20106:05 pm 

    ahh i hate when people say it doesn't count! i agree with if it's in, it counts! lol

  6. Jenny Jen says:
    Fri, 19th Nov 20101:18 am 

    ZZZ vs. XXX: If one of the parties falls asleep during the act, it doesn't really count.

  7. Ness - Sheridan says:
    Fri, 19th Nov 20109:09 am 

    Pretty sure that makes it non-consensual….

  8. Tomalama says:
    Fri, 19th Nov 201011:10 am 

    That guy's nipple is staring right at me. No me gusta.

  9. rox says:
    Sun, 21st Nov 20101:41 pm 

    i dunno, i had an experience that was all in one: one night stand, 2 pumps, kinda regretted it, needless to say not very satisfying for me at the time either…
    most of the time i actually forget about it when thinking back on experiences, so based on its forget-ability.. doesnt count;)

  10. boight says:
    Tue, 23rd Nov 20107:06 am 

    haha…cool!

  11. kaze says:
    Wed, 24th Nov 20106:40 pm 

    so does that mean the STD you contracted doesn't count :D

  12. Chick says:
    Tue, 7th Dec 20103:08 am 

    Does it count if I didn't know what was happening, didn't want to do it, can't remember most of it, and the guy basically just dragged me away and did it without my consent? :D

  13. shey says:
    Thu, 23rd Dec 20105:26 pm 

    also knows as rape…?

  14. maria sylvia says:
    Mon, 27th Dec 201011:00 am 

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  15. S says:
    Mon, 10th Jan 20116:10 pm 

    i am definitely a person who has rules about what counts and what doesn't. i think its a girl's prerogative to decide how she quantifies her number of sexual partners. there is no black and white when it comes to sex.

    I have some crazy stories, and i write all about my stories on my blog, some of them "count" and some of them don't:
    http://afterthemorningafter.wordpress.com

  16. Anne says:
    Thu, 15th Mar 20121:16 am 

    Tom, I haven’t visited your blog for a while and orlhtughoy enjoyed the visit. Thought I would take this opportunity to let you know that I think you are a roll model Rotarian and community leader. What a blessing to call you friend! Mary Beth

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