Sexy Time: “It Doesn’t Really Count”

Most of us have had, or are going to have, less-than-ideal sexual experiences at some point in our lives. The ones that make us shaking our heads and wonder what the hell we were thinking. Whether it be alcohol-induced, teenage stupidity, or just overall ill planning, sometimes these things just happen… even when, looking back, maybe we wish they didn’t.

When talking to a group of ladies about “numbers” and past experiences, there will always be someone who claims that one of their partners just “doesn’t count” for one reason or another. Many people have “rules” as to what doesn’t really count as sex – which is a good way to lower a number that doesn’t really matter anyways.

So what are some of the excuses people make to keep their “magic number” low and their “I don’t make bad choices” view of themselves high? Oh, well there’s a whole list of ‘em!

Two pump chump: If it’s less than three pumps, it doesn’t really count.

The hangover: If you only remember some of it, it doesn’t really count.

Flaccid Freddy: If it doesn’t stay erect the whole time, it doesn’t really count.

Climax control: If he didn’t finish, it doesn’t really count.

Straight as an arrow: That girl on Spring Break doesn’t really count.

Timer Tammy: If it was less than two minutes, it doesn’t really count.

The one night stand: If it was only one time, so it doesn’t really count.

Anonymous fun: I didn’t even know his name, so it doesn’t really count.

College co-ed: It was just a college experience, it doesn’t really count.

Trippin’ traveler: If it happened in Vegas, it doesn’t really count.

The escort: If you pay for it then it doesn’t really count.

Kissing Karla: We didn’t kiss so it doesn’t really count.

The first time: Oh, the first time doesn’t really count.

Bad to the bone: It was awful, so it doesn’t really count.

… and the list goes on.

Of course we’re only talking about consensual sex here, but here’s the only rule you’ve gotta follow: if it’s in, it counts. Embrace all of your sexual experiences – even the ones that you wish didn’t count. It’s hard to really appreciate good sex unless you’ve had some really bad sex too.

What “it doesn’t really count” excuses have you heard?

Want more Sexy Time? (Who doesn’t?) Get some. Right here.



  1. Rachel says:

    honestly, i don't think it really matters all that much. it's their sex life, they can quantify it however they want.

  2. kristi says:

    I love CollegeCandy for articles just like these! thank you for making my day !

  3. Rebekah says:

    I actually had a boyfriend my freshman year that told me our first time together didn't count cause it was one of those Two Pump Chumps lol. It kinda made me angry that he didn't seem to think we actually had sex. Needless to say the relationship didn't last much longer .

  4. criolle johnny says:

    "If it's in" … WHERE? Does "that" count? I can hear the rationalization hamster's wheel spinning as I type.
    People, male and female, can lie to themselves about nearly anything. Perhaps this is part of learning to be honest with oneself.

  5. shari says:

    ahh i hate when people say it doesn't count! i agree with if it's in, it counts! lol

  6. Jenny Jen says:

    ZZZ vs. XXX: If one of the parties falls asleep during the act, it doesn't really count.

    1. Ness - Sheridan says:

      Pretty sure that makes it non-consensual….

  7. Tomalama says:

    That guy's nipple is staring right at me. No me gusta.

  8. rox says:

    i dunno, i had an experience that was all in one: one night stand, 2 pumps, kinda regretted it, needless to say not very satisfying for me at the time either…
    most of the time i actually forget about it when thinking back on experiences, so based on its forget-ability.. doesnt count;)

  9. boight says:


  10. […] CollegeCandy: Sex that “doesn’t count,” from really bad sex to early finishes. […]

  11. kaze says:

    so does that mean the STD you contracted doesn't count :D

  12. […] make yourself comfortable, and sleep it off. And remember whatever happens with the homeless man doesn’t count if you can’t remember […]

  13. Chick says:

    Does it count if I didn't know what was happening, didn't want to do it, can't remember most of it, and the guy basically just dragged me away and did it without my consent? :D

    1. shey says:

      also knows as rape…?

  14. maria sylvia says:

    wanna get sexy body shape ?
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  15. S says:

    i am definitely a person who has rules about what counts and what doesn't. i think its a girl's prerogative to decide how she quantifies her number of sexual partners. there is no black and white when it comes to sex.

    I have some crazy stories, and i write all about my stories on my blog, some of them "count" and some of them don't:

  16. […] Disclosing the number of notches on your belt has picked up this stereotype of being dangerous territory but it’s only as dangerous as you and your current guy make it. Swapping “numbers”, much like swapping spit, should be somewhat lighthearted. If you’re with a guy you’re already comfortable with, sharing your “number” is not a gauntlet where the both of you will be throwing down judgment. It’s your past and you can’t change it (no matter how many times you’ve claimed someone “didn’t count”). […]

  17. […] a few “oh god” stories of bedroom disasters. These are the ones that make it into the “it doesn’t count” category. You know, when something happens that, you know, just shouldn’t have […]

  18. […] sex isn’t always as easy as doing it or not doing it. Regardless of my ill-humored post about when it actually counts, I have a legitimate question for you lovely readers — what is sex, […]

  19. Anne says:

    Tom, I haven’t visited your blog for a while and orlhtughoy enjoyed the visit. Thought I would take this opportunity to let you know that I think you are a roll model Rotarian and community leader. What a blessing to call you friend! Mary Beth

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